18 Mar
Namaste (and You Need Deodorant)

It’s Guest Post Friday! Otherwise known as our favorite day of the week because the Housewives can go get spraytanned while someone else does our heavy lifting. And today we’re especially honored to welcome the superbly funny and witty Betsy who blogs at   Graymatter-matter.blogspot.com. She also does über-cool stuff that will rock your world over at Digitwirl.com. But the reason I love Betsy so much is because one great night in Boston, we drank a lot of wine and talked about a naked Michael Chiklis. Ahhhh, Chiklis. Thank you, Betsy! — Wendi


Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve been going to a new yoga place near my house. A lot of the other moms at school go there, too, and I’ve become friendly with one of the women in particular. We usually try to put our mats next to each other and talk before class. I like her a lot, however…she has horrible B.O. and it’s making me sick. How can I arrange it so I’m not next to her without offending her? I don’t know her well enough to tell her the truth.

Signed,

Gagging At Hatha

____________________

Dear Gagging at Hatha,

First question: Do we ever know anyone well enough to tell them they reek like a Calcutta cab driver? Second question: Does she come into class ripe or is that after an hour of downward dogs in a Bikram inferno?

I actually would submit that when you don’t know someone that well, it’s the perfect time to tell them about gaffs in personal hygiene. But if you’re not comfortable with that, I would go the route of chatting before class, and then tell her that you’ve been having trouble with your child’s pose and need to put yourself in a different location.

Then, and this is the important part, tell her you’ll stop by after class to catch up some more. After you finish your last “ommmm,” bolt out of there and tell her you forgot a meeting, but that you should grab coffee one morning. (Presumably she’ll arrived showered and Summer’s Eve fresh).

If that fails, then I recommend rubbing patchouli oil under your nose and getting your Zen on. However, next time you’re in tree pose, turn your head ever so slightly to the left. It’s possible that what your actually smelling is yourself.

Sincerely,

Betsy, Guest TMH

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17 Mar
High Maintenance Friend Gives Silent Treatment

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a friend from college who has always been sweet and fun, and in recent years helped me tremendously with my boys while I finished a degree. However, she can be a bit sensitive (read: paranoid) and motherly (read: irritating) at times. We had a falling out after college over a trivial email I sent.   Fast-forward about 4-5 years later and I randomly find her again through MySpace.   This time she answered my email, so we met up for coffee. We cried, hugged and apologized, and everything was better.

I figured we’d both grown and all that, but I’ve recently found myself on the receiving end of her silent treatment once again. It’s been a few months now and I still haven’t heard from her after repeated attempts to contact her. Frankly, I’m getting a bit annoyed that I have to work so hard to keep this friendship alive. What should I do? Is this something I need to walk away from, or should I try–once again–to track her down and work things out?

Signed,

Friendship in Limbo

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Friendship in Limbo,

When first reading this I thought TMH had received a new reality TV pilot in our inbox. But before I could pretend spend the royalties we’d collect off of this obvious future hit series, I realized this is a real problem from a reader. Now I’m pissed.

………

………

………

That’s me giving you the silent treatment. Now it’s your turn to repeatedly call, text, and/or email me in a sad attempt to gain my attention, but it will be no match against my imaginary powers of pettiness. Not even skywriting to me can diminish my powers!

You said it yourself – you’re both grown. At least you’ve grown. It sounds like your friend is caught in a junior high time warp and stuck at the age fourteen. No one should work that hard to keep a friendship. Yes, relationships take effort, but let’s remember the difference between effort and being jerked around by the other person.

You’ve made several attempts to confront the situation and resolve the problem. If she’s not willing to meet you half way, there’s nothing else you can do. So I say save your energy for something more fun. And let’s face it, clipping old lady toenails would be more fun than this.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

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16 Mar
I’m Free Now. Why Aren’t You?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have two friends that I have known since we were young.   As we got older the typical thing happened and we spent less time hanging out. I got a boyfriend who turned more serious and we have two kids together.   I saw my friends every now and then (birthdays, Christmas, baby showers, and the odd “let’s get together!”).

My boyfriend is now my ex and my friends are involved in relationships. I’m trying to see them to hang out but it seems to be an impossible task. Should I take this personally? Did I do something wrong or am I worrying too much? I’m thinking I should talk to them about it but because we aren’t as close as we used to be it feels a little weird to be all whiny about it.

Signed, the Forgotten Friend

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Dear Forgotten Friend,

A funny thing happens when people fall in love… they take all the important and fulfilling relationships in their lives (their friends, their parents, their dog) and they blow everyone off. Yes, even the dog. And they do this to spend time with this new person who either will turn out to to be the love of their life or a total jerk who will break up with them via text after they’ve paid his way through graduate school.

Not that this happened to me.

But I hope he really enjoys that stupid anthropology degree.

First, you blew your friends off for your boyfriend. And now they are deeply involved in their own relationships. But this will shift. Because after you’ve spent 24/7 with someone for 2 straight months, you suddenly jolt out of bed and want three things…

1. Some bloody alone time.

2. To finally pay your bills.

3. To go to drinks with your girlfriends.

So if your friends are in new relationships, be patient. And then send a nice email that says, “I really miss you. It would be so fun to get together. Name the date and I’ll be there. Drinks are on me.”

Hopefully, they’ll jump at the chance to see you. Good luck.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

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15 Mar
How to Stay Polite When Getting Sober

Today we have a special Guest Poster, who for reasons you’ll see below, wishes to remain anonymous. But we are hugely grateful to her for taking the time to pass along her wisdom. She is a true friend.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

A new friend of mine is thinking of getting sober. I have been in recovery for almost 10 years. My friend is very quick to discuss her personal problems with her acquaintances, many of which are my close friends. I am nervous about her breaking my own anonymity (I am in one of those “anonymous” programs). How can I impress upon my friend that not only is it inappropriate to discuss her substance abuse problems with people she barely knows, but that she needs to keep my business private as well?

Signed,

In Recovery

__________________

Dearest Recoverer,

In keeping with the spirit of anonymity, I’m not using my name here. Just think of me as a formerly-drunk friend of the Mouthies who got sober in the pre-Zima days of big perms and shoulder pads.

First, congrats on your ten years on the wagon. That’s no small feat. It’s fantastic that you are reaching out to your new friend to try to get her some help. Regarding letting her in on what you see as “appropriate behavior” with spilling her hung-over guts to your pals, what’s appropriate for you might be different than what’s appropriate for her. Consider sharing with her the benefits you’ve found in limiting your self-gossip to the people in your program that share your struggles. Of course, what she decides to do is out of your hands.

When it comes to your own privacy, you can certainly ask Miss Chatty to respect your anonymous status with your mutual friends, but since she’s still getting her booze on you might want to keep your expectations low.

No matter what happens, she’s a lucky lady to have your support. High five, sister.

Sincerely,

“Anonymous” Guest TMH

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14 Mar
Don’t Call Me Mom

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been taking care of a two year old boy a few times a week since he was 6 months old. His mom is a nurse who works nights, so when I have him, it’s for the whole day so she can sleep. Now that he can talk, he says the cutest little phrases and can be so much fun, but one thing is troubling me. He flat out refuses to call me by my name, insisting on calling me “Mom” – about 500 times a day. When I try to correct him, he just laughs and repeats “MOM!” And will continue to say it again and again until I answer him.

This is really cute and kind of heartwarming that he sees me in that way, but I’m really worried that his mother will be upset or hurt by this if she finds out – or might even suspect me telling him to call me that! She already gets her feelings hurt that he throws a fit when she comes to get him and take him home, I can only imagine what she might say to him calling me “Mom”!

So, do I tell her? Do I not bring it up? Do I refuse to answer him unless he says my real name? I’m really at a loss, this is not something I’ve ever encountered in my 23 years of babysitting!

Signed,

NotMom
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Dear NotMom,

Something tells me that this kid knows that you’re not his mother and gets a huge kick out the game he’s playing with you. And that something is my immense wisdom and natural beauty and genteel breeding. Why, there are days when I sit in front of a mirror and marvel- oh, sorry. Back to you.

Chances are he’s calling you Mom because Mom stands for all things good and safe and not because he thinks you’re his mother.

Or he could be a moron. So hard to tell with kids these days.   Of course he may be calling you Mom because it gets a rise out of you. Can he break you and get you to respond to Mom as opposed to your name? Of course! He’s got all day!

You have a few choices:

First, you can Take Him On! Let him know that if he calls you Mom, you’ll call him Grandpa. This may get him to stop, or may lead you down the path of going absolutely insane as he rejoices in his new moniker. This is the part where I draw your attention to the disclaimer at the bottom of this page. We are here for entertainment. And disclaim all liability for the harm that may come to you.

Second, you can ignore it. Chances are the fun of calling you Mom will wear off if you don’t reward it with attention.

But whatever you decide, definitely tell his mother about it. Let her know that you believe that this is a phase that he’s going through, suggest your plan for dealing with it and ask her for her input.   Hopefully the two of you being on the same page and using the award-winning strategies in this post will make him lose interest in calling you Mom sooner rather than later.

Keep us posted!

Marinka, TMH

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