It’s Guest Post Friday! On Thursday! OMG, we’re so confused! Today we’re joined by the super funny Bejewell from The Bean, who is also one of my Austin blogger friends because she once bought me a hamburger. Beej is one hilarious mamma jamma who guested for us once before and gave great Facebook/marriage advice. We’re thrilled to have her & her kick ass advice back here today. Thank you, Mizzus Bejewell! Mwah! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband keeps hinting that I should get a boob job since I’m no longer nursing or having any more babies. (I’m a B cup.) I’m not sure if I want to do this or not, but I also want to keep him interested and hot for me. What should I do?
Dear Flat Franny,
Okay, let me get this straight. You want to know if you should spend thousands of dollars to undergo major surgery so your already-normal-sized breasts can be artificially enlarged by the implantation into your body of foreign objects (or, as I like to call them, “bags of goo”), which are likely to either rupture, leak, cause breast pain, back pain and/or a host of other health complications, all so you can keep your husband – WHO IS MARRIED TO YOU FOR BETTER OR WORSE – interested in sex?
Listen, hon. I don’t know your husband or how serious these “hints” of his are, but if he requires larger breasts as a condition of staying “hot” for you, he’s a total asshat.
I’m not saying that NO ONE should have breast implants – in some cases they’re a lovely option, especially for women like my friend Paula who lost both of hers to cancer and had reconstructive surgery. But if you have even a shred of doubt that this surgery is right for you, you should tell your husband (and anyone else who suggests you need bigger boobs to be sexy) to suck it.
If the husband’s insinuations persist, perhaps you should drop a few hints of your own. Open your computer’s web browser to before/after photos of Tara Reid, Janet Jackson or Viveca Fox, and “accidentally” leave it open so the next time he sits down to check his bank balance he gets a nice big eyeful of weird, dented, fake celebrity boobs instead. Maybe it won’t seem like such a big turn-on then.
Or change the subject to something the hubs might really want but can’t afford. A home theater? A pretty new mid-life-crisis Corvette? College accounts for the kids? A healthy retirement plan? Any or all of those things would be a lot easier to afford without sinking thousands into your cup size — no? Hey! Better yet, cruise on over to one of those penis enlargement sites and sign him on up. After all, you’re not the only one in this relationship who can make a few adjustments!
Bottom line: If you don’t think there’s anything wrong with your body, there’s not. And don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.
Hugs, kisses and nipple twists —
Beej, Guest TMH
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My 6-year-old son is pulling all kinds of annoying crap lately…mostly whining and complaining about things not being fair between siblings or with the universe in general. I think it’s a phase because I remember our oldest acting like a similar pain at this age.
The problem is, every time my husband and I discuss our son in private, my husband gets all wound up and worries about him suffering from Pathetic Middle Child Syndrome. Well, I’m a middle child thankyouverymuch and I get pretty defensive every time he argues his case for PMCS. How do we have a decent conversation without me getting all “Marcia Marcia Marcia” about it?
Signed, Don’t Call Me Marcia
Dear Jan Brady,
As you know, there are plenty of advantages to being a middle child. Like your son gets to be a big brother AND a little brother! And he also…. umm… damn… I thought I’d be able to think of more.
Okay, it’s a bit of a rub being the middle sibling. You’re often not as talented as your older sibling and not as cute as your younger one. You get all the hand me down clothes, fewer photos and less attention which leads most middle children to work on their greatest achievement… WHINING.
But being a middle child is not an excuse. It’s a chance to rise above your lot in life and conquer the world. Or at least that’s what I tell my middle one. She just looks at me and whines that she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
Look, there are a million reasons why children behave badly and with our demanding reality TV commitments, we don’t have time to always figure it out. Maybe your son really is upset because he is the middle child. Or maybe he’s bummed out that Dino Dan can see dinosaurs and he can’t. Or maybe he’s in the dumps that the Phillies’ second baseman is out with an injury for the foreseeable future. How the hell should you know? “Dancing with the Stars” is on!
Tell your husband that it really doesn’t matter why he’s complaining – so enough with this middle child excuse. You just need to figure out how to improve his behavior. This is pretty much trial and error. Spend some time with him one on one. Try to ignore the whining and only give him attention when he speaks in a normal voice that doesn’t make you wince with agony. Make a chart and give him stars when he behaves well, take away stars when the whining hits full throttle and when he gets a certain amount of stars, he wins a prize…. like a trip to the candy store, extra TV time or a safari vacation! Only you know what will work for him.
I’ve heard this middle-children-annoying-the-hell-out-of-us is just one incredibly long phase. But still just a phase. So hang in there and keep us posted.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m allergic to my mother-in-law. No, for reals. She wears a very strong perfume and it gives me headaches. I hate hugging her because then my shirt is left smelling like a Grandma instead of the young, hot housewife that I am. (OK, that part is not for reals.)
When she stays at our house, the perfume invades every possible room, and the kids’ clothes and beds smell like Grandma, too. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but she can be hypersensitive and difficult to talk to. Suggestions?
Zyrtec Doesn’t Cover Mothers-In-Law
Dear Zyrtec Doesn’t Cover Mothers-In-Law,
Oh, the poor mother-in-laws of the world. Can’t they ever catch a break? They meddle, they nitpick, they harangue, they have inconvenient hot flashes. What a bunch of Chico’s wearing jackasses. In fact, I’m seriously considering telling my boys to never get married just so I don’t have to ever worry about some woman begging the Internet for advice on dealing with her crazy mother-in-law’s Barry Manilow obsession.
Sigh. It’s hard out there for a MIL.
But all kidding aside, I completely empathize with your problem because I loathe heavy perfume and cologne, too. And don’t even get me started on that Axe Body Spray crap that smells like white, hot douchebag death. Seriously, anyone who wears it should be immediately set aflame, then sprayed down with a fire hose until their top layer of skin is completely removed. DIS-GUS-TING.
Now where was I?
Ah, yes. Stinky-In-Law!
I’m not going to advise you to give her a new perfume that you like better, because she’s going to wear what she wants to wear. I’m also not going to advise you to ask your husband to talk to her for you, because that’s probably not good for anyone. What I am going to advise you to do is tell her that you and the kids have just been diagnosed with a sensitivity to perfume and your house now needs to be fragrance-free. (Yes, that’s a little white lie, but with the headaches, you probably are somewhat allergic to it.)
If she’s a smart MIL, she’ll realize that’s most likely not true, but that you’re saying it that way to spare her feelings. And then hopefully she’ll stop wearing the scent, everything will be all better and the two of you will be entered into the record books as one of the world’s first MIL/DIL success stories. Hooray!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Help! I’m suffering from “mother smother!” My mom stopped working 30 years ago to raise children. Now that we’re grown and gone, her volunteer activities don’t give her enough to do. She’s married (to my step-dad), but wants me to be her source of entertainment, shopping buddy, and travel companion. No matter how much time I spend with her, it’s never enough! She ignores my suggestions about finding a job, or pursuing new hobbies or friendships. I want to spend my free time with my husband and my friends, not as a social director for my mom.
Need to Breathe
Dear Need to Breathe,
First of all, it took your mom THIRTY YEARS to rear her children?! My goodness, why did you grow up so slowly? I thought after 18 or 20 years, she’d be done, no? What are you not telling me about this parenting scam that we were all tricked into?
And second of all, as a mom whose kids are on the cusp of teenagehood, which will lead to being all grown up, I must ask: how dare you? How dare you refuse to spend every single second with your mother? The woman who gave up her career, her ambitions and possibly her figure to change your diapers, care for you, cook for you, worry about you, and provide for you?
Third- what? Oh. I’m being told that my Mouthy Housewife license is about to be revoked because I’m “ranting” and “personalizing” again. (I think they’re just out to get me.)
But okay, point taken.
You love your mom and enjoy spending time with her, but you have other commitments and, well, a life of your own. You know, like the life that your mother had before she had kids. Ahem.
I assume that you have already considered joining the YMCA with your mother. She will certainly meet other people there and may go during the day, while you’re busy reading laundry tips. And what about church? If she doesn’t attend regularly, why not drop some hints about eternal damnation to get her to services promptly?
But at the end of the day, I think you owe it to your mother to be straight with her, and not drop hints.
Talk to your mom and tell her that you value your time together (make sure to phrase this in your own words, you know how suspicious mothers can be!) and that you would love to have a standing special event for just the two of you– a brunch, a shopping trip, a walk in the park every few weeks, but that you have other people in your life who deserve your attention as well.
If your mother lives relatively close to you, consider having a dinner night at your house, or hers, on regular basis. Invite some women who you think would be possible friends for your mother. (Ask your friends if their mothers or aunts or mothers-in-law are available! You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how many will volunteer to deliver theirs to your doorstep! ) If she likes them, great! Friendship made. If she doesn’t like them, great! Friendship not made and your mother will think twice about inviting herself over too often! The important thing is that your mother and you will both look forward to your special time together and she will hopefully learn to respect that you have commitments to the other people in your life as well.
Today we have two people very, very worthy of receiving our not-so-coveted Seal of Approval! Yay, them!
The first is the super talented Maxine Lapiduss, who made this hugely entertaining video about life with out Oprah that includes a cameo by Jane Lynch. We can’t stop watching it.
The second is this very funny, touching post by Jeni at Highly Irritable that’s about kids and dogs and dogs and kids. We just loved it.
Congratulations, ladies! Wear your Mouthy Housewives Seal of Approvals with a lot of pride and a lot of sass!