28 Feb
I Read Your Blog, Why Won’t You Read Mine?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

There are a few blogs that I love.  I read every time they post and always leave what I consider to be an interesting comment.  I try to be funny and complimentary, yet a few of the bloggers that I admire have never visited my blog.  I would never ask them this directly, but isn’t that considered rude in the blogosphere?


What Should I Do?


Dear What,

I know exactly what you mean.  The other day I went to see a movie at the theatre, and afterward I came home and was stunned that Natalie Portman didn’t ring my bell and ask to see some of my home movies. Can you believe the nerve?  I sat through Black Swan and she wouldn’t even spare a few minutes for some footage of my daughter’s entry into this world!

Okay, so I am exaggerating.  A bit.  Because although some people believe that it is proper etiquette to return every comment with a visit to the commenter’s blog, others don’t subscribe to that kind of blog quid pro quo.

Ask yourself why you read the blogs that you do.  Is it because you enjoy the content and find that it adds value to your life? Or is it because you’re hoping that the blogger will follow you to your own blog?  There is absolutely nothing wrong if the answer includes a combination of those two things, but if you find that you are leaning towards the “follow me back to my blog!” option, be prepared for disappointment.

In my opinion, it has nothing to do with being rude.  People are busy.  The content that you (hopefully) enjoy reading takes time to create.  Plus, we all seem to have those responsibilities outside of the blogging world (I know.  I’m in shock too.)  Or maybe the blogger of your dreams just isn’t interested in adding to her blogroll right now.  Who knows?  If you enjoy what you’re reading, keep reading.  If you feel too slighted to visit the blog again, then don’t.  But if it was the great content that you loved, chances are you’ll be back!

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

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24 Feb
Paging Dr. Doobie

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve finally found a pediatrician my kids like. They like him because we became friends with the good doctor and his family, so my kids see beyond the white coat now. I, too, see beyond the white coat. His white coat is stuffed with joints. He’s a big pot smoker. I don’t know if he abstains on his on call nights, but I have a feeling he doesn’t given how often I see him stoned. It’s the only pediatric practice within our town, and I’m very close with his wife. It would be problematic to switch to a new MD within his practice and they’d require a reason since the other doctors are not accepting new patients (I did check once).

Would this trip you out?


Our Doctor Has a Doobie (or ten)


Dear Doc Has a Doobie,

Wow, I’m totally tripping out right now because I don’t even know how to answer this. On one hand I want to be ethical and legal. But on the other hand I’m trying to overcome my uptight ninny reputation, so I feel pressured to act like pot is no big deal. (Aren’t all the cool parents doing it?)

Of all the illegal drugs out there, pot does seem to be the least harmless – as long as you don’t hold the life of a child in your hands! I’m sorry but it looks like uptight ninny is going to win out this time. Not that I really care if someone smokes pot during off hours. But a doctor getting stoned while on call will bring out the uptight ninny every time.

If he’s high as often as you suspect, he possibly has a problem. Now we enter into the sticky realm of whether you talk to your friend or not. And now I want to get stoned. GAH! Why can’t things be simple?!

I think you need to be very honest with yourself. How much does this bother you? If your child had an emergency during off hours and he was the doctor who came to treat him/her, would you trust him? If not, you need to find a way to move to a new doctor.

If I were you, I would switch pediatricians with the excuse of needing someone who could be more objective in the event of an emergency – a close, personal friend might not have the distance needed to stay levelheaded. It sounds flimsy, but it’s all I got. Then again, if you were I, you would swear off all MDs and go with witch doctors instead. We’ve never been healthier!


Heather, TMH

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23 Feb
My Puppy is Lonely and I Feel Guilty

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband and I purchased the cutest little mini schnauzer puppy. My husband had wanted a dog since we bought our home 3 years ago, but due to his hectic work schedule (2 full time jobs) and my 12 hour work day, this wasn’t an option. Unfortunately, he was laid off and has been for the past year and a half. So I finally decided having a puppy might be fun, so we went for it.

Well, the day before we bought the puppy, he tells me some story about how he got another job only working a few hours a week locally near our home. Not a big deal. Well, the truth came out after we got our puppy that he’s really back full time. The job is fabulous, and the money is better, but our new puppy now spends 11-13 hours alone depending on who makes it home first. Yes he has food, water and puppy pads, but who in the world wants to live like that? So now I feel awful for the little guy who’s only 8-weeks-old. He was doing his business outside fairly well until today when it became a free for all in our home.

Should I find our puppy a new home or let him hang out in our upstairs bedroom in a gated play area all day?


Sad Puppy Mommy


Dear S.P.M.,

You know what that dog needs? Marriage counseling. Oh, I mean, not the dog. I’ll get to that cute little 8-week-old pup in a moment. Just to clarify, your husband lied to you about his employment status (claiming he only had a part-time job and was free to be home with the puppy) and then changed his story once the dog was yours? Maybe I’m missing some details here but it sounds like you and your husband need to work on your communication skills. Because lying to your spouse to get what you want is not exactly a healthy foundation for a marriage. Perhaps some counseling might be a good idea. But unless your marriage counselor has a second career as a dog sitter, this will not solve your puppy problem.

I think it’s really unfair to leave most dogs (especially a puppy) alone for 11 to 13 hours a day. So you have a few options. Find the puppy a new home which will be incredibly sad but then probably a big relief. Another option is to find a dog walker to come spend time with your pooch every day. Or you can bring him to a doggy day care center where he can be around other dogs and people while you are at work. Sure, some of your friends might start calling you ooh la la fancy doggy pants for doing this but you won’t get any judgment from me. Of course, I used to have a personal trainer run my hyper kangaroo dog 5 miles a day so I say, go for it.

But if the elitist dog route isn’t for you, you could always acquire another dog to keep your current one company.   Of course, that will be double the amount of dog crap all over your house but on the bright side, less guilt!

Good luck with the dog. And the husband.


Kelcey, TMH

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22 Feb
Baby, It’s Cold Outside, So I’m Stuffing My Face

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

How do I reconcile my desire to remain svelte with my dead-of-winter need to snack snack snack because it’s so gray and dull and snowy and cold and generally depressing outside? I totally disagree with Kate Moss, by the way: there are MANY foods that taste better than skinny feels. However, there is very little that feels good about catching a glimpse of my jiggling rear view as I get into the shower in the morning. Especially since just two short months ago, I finally (after more than a year of work) hit my target weight.

Got any tips on how to make it until spring without regretting the fact that I already donated my fat pants?

You can sign me,

Craving Chocolate in Michigan (and it’s starting to show…)


Dear Craving Chocolate in Michigan,

Your question deserves a lot of high-level scientific answers that I shall now proceed to give you in a rather half-assed, incoherent and drunk fashion. (Editor’s Note: Please be advised that Wendi has never gotten above a C- in any class that ends in “-ology.” Not even Cosmetology.)

Here we go!

1. Your impulse to stuff your piehole is simply because of your evolutionary history. See, according to a NOVA episode I once watched when I hit my head and couldn’t find the remote control, a human’s DNA is programmed to pack on the pounds whenever it gets really cold outside; that way we’re too fat for the dinosaurs to eat. Thank you for the thunder thighs, hairy cavemen ancestors! You rock!

2. Another smarty, science-y reason for your eating binge could be that the gloomy, gray weather makes your brain chemicals sad. 🙁 That means your neurons (?) then start firing and demand that you immediately inhale a sleeve of Thin Mints so your head can quickly fill up with the happy juices of dopamine and seratonin and cumin. Yay, medicinal chocolate!

3. Finally, as any member of the Donner party could tell you, the longer you’re trapped in the house with other people, the more they start resembling cheeseburgers and fries.

Therefore, my advice to you is to remove all of the high-calorie, unhealthy food from your house post haste. Donate it to a food pantry or a skinny neighbor whose figure you want to ruin out of spite. Then put on your tightest pants and stock up on smart, healthy food and exercise DVDs that you’ll actually use. Sweat your ass off to the Oldies, baby.

It won’t be easy to say “no” to yummy treats, but if you want to stay at your goal weight, you’re going to have to summon up all your will power and remain strong. (Just like I did when I successfully broke my 50 Red Vines a day habit.) Because while a lot of things might taste as good as skinny feels when it’s 20 degrees outside, they’re probably going to taste like shit when it’s 80 degrees and you’re hiding under a towel at the pool wishing you’d stuck to your guns.

Good luck!

Wendi, TMH

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21 Feb
Is Bridge Building Worth It?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

There is a big family rift here. I am the only person speaking to all parties and being ragged by each for keeping in contact with the other.  Is it worth it?


Bridge Builder


Dear Builder,

I’m going to assume for a moment that the people in question aren’t your husband and toddler, but rather grown ass adults.  And  I will further assume that the reason that you are speaking to all the parties is that you want to help and not for purposes of gathering juicy gossip to use against them later.  If that is correct, I’m going to let you in on a secret about those people ragging on  you:  They are trying to bully you into taking their side against their family member enemy.

You have some choices, most of which involve some lightweight lying to everyone concerned that you have, indeed, stopped talking to the offending party and have been plotting their demise.  Or you could tell them to butt out and mind their own business. Because you are an adult and can manage your own relationships.  If they continue to make comments to you regarding your being in touch with Uncle Joe, simply say “I prefer not to discuss Uncle Joe with you.  Nor do I discuss you with Uncle Joe.”  And then live by that.  Maintain your relationship with the people that matter to you, but don’t try to reconcile them.

If the rift is going to heal, it’s going to have to come from the people who caused it.  Leave the bridge building to the engineers.

Good luck,


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