25 Jan
Aloha! You’re A Bitch

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My friend is on vacation in Hawaii while I’m suffering through the worst winter ever. She keeps sending me annoying photos of herself on the beach, in the surf, etc. I’m happy she’s on vacation, but how do I get her to stop torturing me? I’ve had enough of the photos.

Signed,

Frosty Franny

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Dear Frosty Franny,

I always find this time of year to be very interesting because while most of the country is freezing their asses off, a few states are still enjoying beautiful, sunny weather and they just can’t keep quiet about it. This is mostly played out on Twitter, where someone like @MamaIgloo will tweet, “OMG, we’re having ANOTHER SNOW DAY. My kids are driving me crazy!” Then someone like @TexasCougar will tweet   back, “HAHAHAHA! You suck, you stupid snow person! I’m doing yard work in my TUBE TOP. That’s right–TUBE TOP. LOSER!”

OK, so maybe that first tweet was actually from Kelcey and maybe that second tweet was actually from me. But at least now you know why she no longer wears her half of our BFF heart necklaces. She’s so damn sensitive.

Anyway, I don’t think your friend is sending you those pictures to rub your freezing little face in her good fortune. She’s just so filled up with Vitamin D that she can’t help but spread the sunshine around. You could either just grit your teeth and ignore it, or you could instead keep yourself warm this winter with a raging internal fire of revenge (highly recommended). Simply find out what her inadequacies are, then send her pictures of you completely one-upping her in that department.

For example, if she’s a horrible cook, send her a shot of a gourmet meal and tell her it’s just something you whipped up with the crap you found in your pantry. If her kids are badly behaved and always in trouble, send her a picture of your kids wearing medals around their necks and sitting on the mayor’s lap. If her husband is unattractive and bad in bed, send her a picture of you and your husband rubbing hot oil on his…well, you can see where I’m going with this.

The point is, nothing keeps you warmer during these long winter months than plotting and scheming against someone who’s really done nothing at all to deserve your wrath. That’s why I advise you to just light a fire, put on a sweater and look at those Hawaii photos until your blood starts to boil and your face turns a bright shade of purple. Because while you may not be the one relaxing on Waikiki beach,   you can still look like you’re the one suffering from heatstroke, angina and in dire need of a speedy trip to Urgent Care. And isn’t that really what friendship’s all about?

Hang Loose,

Wendi, TMH

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24 Jan
What’s With the Angry Birds?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Everyone is talking about these Angry Birds.  I just figured out Twitter and now I have to wrap my head around these Birds?  What is this game? Where do I find it? And why are the birds so angry?

Signed,

Tweet tweet

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Dear Tweety,

Remember back in school how we used to have final exams? And every once in a while, we’d get to the exam, look at the essay question and have absolutely no idea what to write?  And then we’d look around the classroom hoping to see similar dismay on everyone’s faces, but instead we’d see them writing a lot and quickly?  Well, what I would do in those situations is start writing a lot and quickly, too, and sadly it was usually off-topic. Because I may not have known the importance of the Reformation, but I could write up a storm about the Renaissance, and surely I’d get some credit for that, right?

So back to your question about your mother-in-law. Don’t worry because most people who write to us have problems with theirs. It’s natural.  You both love the same man, so there tends to be some bristling over that.  The best way to address whatever tension arises is with respect for the old bird.  No need to get angry!

What? No credit for that answer? Oh, OK.

image from Wikipedia

Well then, Angry Birds is a game that is available through the Apple App store, smartphones, gaming consoles and personal computers.  My nine-year-old son plays it on his iPod and my 12-year-old daughter downloaded a version on her Mac Book.  The goal is to launch the birds, via a slingshot, to kill as many pigs as possible. I don’t get it, either.  I can vouch for it being addictive, though, because when I played it on my son’s iPod, I almost went insane trying to annihilate those stupid pigs.  It was so bad that one afternoon I decided to go cold turkey off the Angry Birds.  That didn’t make the birds any less angry.

I always assumed that these birds  were angry because they have a unibrow and everyone was calling them Breznev behind their backs.

But apparently, they’re angry because the pigs stole their eggs.  During the days of my Angry Bird addiction, I did not once realize that there were eggs involved, which means either that I am one of the biggest morons online or that the Angry Birds developers need to flesh out this heart wrenching back story.

So give it a try! It may be just the time killer you’ve been searching for. And get your mother-in-law into it as well.  I can’t help but think that the mass pig murder will enhance any relationship!

Happy launching,
Marinka, TMH

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20 Jan
Why Are Mothers-in-Law Such Hags?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am engaged to marry in August. It is the 2nd marriage for both of us. I have two sons ages 18 & 14. He has one son age 4. His former wife is now re-married, but his mother still insists on having her in our lives. She went to the hospital when the ex-wife had her child with the present husband, who is no relation, and my (future) mother-in-law buys that child gifts. Yet, she refuses to acknowledge my children whatsoever!! She has even refused to come to our home for a holiday dinner if MY children were going to be there!

Am I right for hating this woman?

Signed,

Future Daughter-in-Law to a Hag

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Dear Future Daughter-in-Law,

Of course you are right for hating this woman. It’s in the marriage by-laws, for crying out loud. Well, maybe it’s not, but at the very least we whisper the vow   “and to hate your mother” right after we promise to love, honor and cherish the groom, right?

Yet hating our mothers-in-law lumps us in with one of life’s biggest clichés. I don’t know about you but I really hate living a cliché. Also, I want to make sure you’re actually complaining about your mother-in-law NOT coming over to your home. I’m confused – is that a problem? Unless you need her visits as an excuse to drink, and if that’s the case, how dare she ruin that for you!

I don’t understand why there is tension between wives and mothers-in-law other than it’s some sick yet deeply embedded power struggle. (And a lot of mothers-in-law are hags.) This conflict appears to be part of the human game, but the good thing about being human (other than opposable thumbs which serve us well when holding a wine glass) is we can make a conscious choice to play along with the power struggle or not. You can play along, in which case you’ll have a lot of company but not much fun. Or you can decide not to get in the ring with her, go about with your life and be happy.

Happiness really is the best revenge against hags.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

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19 Jan
Don’t Dip Your Pen in the Company Ink (Unless the Ink Has a Six-Pack)

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I started sleeping with a coworker about two months ago, which is OK as far as there being no rules against workplace relationships as long as neither party is a supervisor of the other. However, we agreed that it would just be sex and now, what started out as a secret affair, has turned into not quite secret and more than an affair.

How do I approach the topic to said coworker about where we are going with this? We aren’t the best at talking (read: he’s a man). While the relationship isn’t off limits, working the same shift in the same department isn’t something management prefers, so things could get complicated were everyone to find out, which given the current situation could happen very quickly.

Signed,

Co-Mingling With a Co-Worker

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Dear Co-Mingling,

Whew! Your question makes me really happy that I don’t have a job and therefore any hot co-workers around to entice me into thrilling sex-only relationships! No, I am definitely much better off just sitting here alone in my cold house. With my cat. And my burrito. And my worn out copy of Twilight.   And my…OH, FOR F*CK’S SAKE, WHY IS MY LIFE SO DAMN PATHETIC?!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!? WHY DO I KEEP HITTING ON THE CHUBBY UPS GUY WHO SMELLS LIKE LONG JOHN SILVERS? WHYYY? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I’M GOING TO DIE ALONE NEXT TO A LITTER BOX, AREN’T I?! AREN’T I?!?

But let’s get back to your problem of having too much meaningless sex.

Now, I have to confess that I’ve never, ever had a work-place rendezvous (obviously), so I can’t speak from personal experience. However, I think if you re-read your own question, the writing is on the sexy, sexy, oh God, so sexy wall (ahem): put your pants back on, baby.

It sounds like you’re not ready for this hook-up to turn into a real relationship, so that’s why you need to end it as soon as possible. For both his sake and the sake of your career. (And if he won’t listen to you, just write “We’re kaput, bitch!” on your boobs. That’s how I broke up with my last mammogram technician.)

However, maybe I’m wrong and maybe that’s not what you should do at all. So I’m going to ask our amazing, beautiful and very wise readers to chime in on this one. What do you all think? Should she keep on keeping on? Is it OK to do this with a co-worker? Or should she kick his ass to the curb before Human Resources transfers her to the home office in Kzakaitshaantan? We really, really want to hear your advice.

And, uh, if you can throw in your two cents about my obsession with the chubby UPS guy, that’d be good, too.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

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18 Jan
Don’t You Go Talking To My Nanny

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I was recently over at the house of a friend who has a full time nanny. I need some help picking up my daughter after school two days a week and asked the nanny if she had any friends that she thought would be interested. Since I’ve never used a nanny (both my children were in daycare), I also wanted to know what she thought was a fair price to offer. My friend got upset with me and said that it was “inappropriate to discuss money with her employee.”

I was certainly not trying to steal my friend’s nanny, nor was I going behind her back (I asked the questions in front of my friend). Although I apologized to my friend for making her uncomfortable, I am not sure that I did anything wrong. Did I?

Signed,

Franny Faux Pas

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Dear Franny,

First of all, I’m relieved. When I first started reading this question, I thought you were involved in some kind of international nanny poaching ring and with a heavy heart, I was going to be obligated to turn you into the feds.

Then I read a bit further and thought, “Oh no. This is Nannygate all over again!” I feared your nomination for United States Attorney General was in grave danger of being derailed because of your plans to hire an illegal alien as a caretaker for your child.

But it turns out that you haven’t broken any laws. Except maybe the eleventh commandment, “Thou shalt not talk to my nanny without my permission, especially pertaining to issues of money.”   Sure, it would have been a bit more polite to talk to your friend before approaching her nanny. Your friend probably could have given you a lot of insight into what people generally pay their babysitters. There is usually a range based on the region of the country, the experience and the responsibilities. And then you could have spoken to the nanny directly about possible friends who might be looking for work.

But this is hardly some unforgivable atrocity. It sounds like you have already apologized, so don’t give it another thought.   Instead focus on finding the right babysitter for your own kids.

Good luck!

Kelcey, TMH

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