HOW TO SURVIVE SNOW DAYS
Kids stuck at home because school keeps getting canceled due to weather? Going crazy trying to entertain them? Then simply follow these easy steps to give yourself a hassle-free Mouthy Housewife-style Snow Day!
Step 1: Go to whitepages.com
Step 2: Enter the name of your child’s teacher and write down her address
Step 3: Call a cab (Note: If they claim the roads aren’t clear, loudly moan and tell them you’re giving birth and require immediate assistance)
Step 4: Stick child in cab with a Post-It saying, “Surprise!” and give driver directions to the teacher’s house
Step 5: Unplug the phone, close the curtains and reeelax! You’ve earned it, baby! Snow days are fun!
Disclaimer: The Mouthy Housewives are not responsible for any school expulsions and/or jail time that may result from following our advice. We just write what the voices in our heads tell us to write.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Where do you stand on the whole Do I hire a hot nanny or am I asking for trouble issue?
She’s Really Hot
Dear Really Hot,
I’m not sure if the Mouthy Housewives speak with one voice on this one, but personally, I say, hire away! The hotter the better, the tighter the sweater, we must increase our bust! What? Oh please, I can’t be the only one who bursts into spontaneous variations of Judy Blume quotes.
But seriously. If you found someone who you believe is capable of taking care of your children, whose references check out, who is responsible and who you like and the only thing standing between you and liberation from the shackles of childcare is her good looks? Ha! Let me repeat that: HA! Because let’s not kid ourselves here. Is her hotness an issue because (a) you’re worried that she’ll make you feel unhot; (b) you’re concerned that modeling assignments will pour her way and she’ll be late to her nanny job a lot; or (c) you suspect that your husband will have an Ethan Hawke-Robin Williams-other Hollywood riff raff-esque affair with the hot nanny.
If you are in the C-camp, let me reassure you: each of those men left his wife for a woman who was a lot less attractive than his wife. (Ok, in some cases I’m guessing. But I bet if you Google, you’ll see that even when guessing, I’m right.)
So you just can’t predict what will make a married man hook up with a nanny, or for that matter, a tranny. But basing your hiring decisions based on her looks is nuts. Especially since in my experience when it comes to attractive women, you and your husband’s mileage may vary. Because my husband doesn’t consider Helen Mirren to be a babe like I do.
It’s Guest Post Friday! And today we’re thrilled to welcome one of the funniest writers I’ve come across in my 45 years of blogging and that’s the lovely Tarja from The Flying Chalupa. (No, her blog’s not about eating Mexican food on airplanes. Well, not usually.) Please be sure to go read her stuff because she’s truly one of the freshest, most original voices in all of Mommy writer land. Thanks, Tarja! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have four children, all in private school. Because of the economy, we’re looking to send just one of the kids to great public school next year. Both my husband and I agree about which kid to send (he does the best with change of all the kids), but I’m worried that he will see it as punitive and not fair. Is it unfair? Any advice on how to make it easier?
Dear Going Public,
As the President and CEO of four private companies with amazing future profit potential, I congratulate you on your decision to take one of them public! As evidenced by Google and eBay (let us ignore Enron, an obviously troubled child), taking a company public has so many benefits – the first being that you’ll have one less annual fundraising phone call to endure.
And punitive? Unfair? I think not.
Your parental stock is going to SOAR when this kid is introduced to vending machines and high fructose corn syrup. And let us not forget the American ritual that is pep rallies and cheerleaders!
They’re short, yeah! They’re short, yeah!
You checkin’ out my bloomers?
GO! SHORT! SKIRTS!
Upon pick-up for the first day of school by the big yellow cheese wagon, that IPO will be jealously coveted by the other private companies, mark my words. And here’s where I’m going to blow your mind with an amazing suggestion – stay with me! – don’t send just one kid public. Send two public and two private – solidarity in numbers – or hell, send ’em all public.
I’ll let that sink in.
SEND THEM ALL PUBLIC.
You say that it’s a “great public school?” So why not save a bundle and prepare for the option of taking these four companies private again when they’re 18 and dying to go to Amherst College. (To which you’ll respond, of course, “But they’re the LORD JEFFS, don’t be absurd.”)
I know you’re worried about how your kids will handle the change, but they’re resilient. Hardy. Like cockroaches that never shut up. Or something. The kids will be fine. It’s adults that can’t handle change. I mean, look at me! I wrote this on papyrus using a quill and ink and sent this to the Mouthy Housewives via carrier pigeon.
The big question is: can you handle being a public mom?
True. The PTA won’t compare to the Friends of the Organic Garden Committee, but I, for one, see going public as a great investment for your shareholders.
Yours in Technological Denial,
The Flying Chalupa
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I are slobs. We’re not quite starring on Hoarders or anything, but I haven’t changed my cleaning habits much since I had a path to my bed when I was 10. Luckily (or unluckily) my husband has the same tolerance to clutter/mess that I do, so it’s never before been a cause of marital strife. But now I’m trying to change.
This past month I’m on a roll and have started making visible progress, but this has coincided with one of my husband’s worst months at work. All he wants to do when he gets home is sit in his chair and watch TV, all evening, all weekend. You know, the kind of behavior that has been OK for the past dozen years of marriage, but it’s suddenly pissing me off. It’s very frustrating to not get any help and feel like I’m the only one actually fighting in the battle to reform. (Full disclosure: He does notice what I’ve done during the day and is lavish with the compliments.)
How do I balance genuinely needing help and support versus “You can’t change another person, only yourself”?
Dear Nearly Neat,
Congratulations on being on the path to cleanliness! They say it is next to godliness, which I guess explains the voices I hear in my head: God is right next to me, talking to me. Or maybe I hear the voices because of all the cleaner fumes I breathe in when I scrub the tub. Either way, who cares! The house is clean and I’m happy because God tells me I deserve a vodka tonic after all my hard work.
It’s true we can’t change another person, only ourselves. The weird thing though, is that by changing ourselves, it also changes others. Mahatma Gandhi also speaks to me, mostly when I use a lot of bleach in the whites, and he told me that directly from heaven! What’s stranger still is Gandhi was a man so I’m wondering if he ever did his own whites. What did he know about extensive housework?
But this is marriage we’re talking about here. Partnership! Helpmate! The reality is things aren’t always exactly 50/50. Right now he’s under a lot of stress. We know husbands have to take care of themselves emotionally just like we do. So maybe, for now, you should let him off the cleaning reform hook. If you have old enough children, make them take his place. What did we have kids for if not to at least wash the dirty dishes?! As a child I was convinced that was the only reason my parents had my sister and me.
As far as the weekend goes, well, I think that’s a wee bit different. For the time being, perhaps you should scale back your expectations. Say, get him to help you on a specific cleaning job for, I don’t know, an hour or two, and then call it quits and do something fun, like go out for ice cream or watch as your kids do the dishes. (I swear my parents’ FAVORITE pastime.) And don’t forget to let yourself off the hook a little right now too.
But once things calm down at work, put the screws to him. Work his @$$ off and make him earn IT. And you know what I mean by “IT”.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Why the crap won’t my kids sleep at night? This is effing ridiculous. Son is 2-years-old, daughter is 7 months and they’re both messing with me from 2 am to 6 am.
Sleepless in San Diego
Why won’t they sleep? For the same reason you stayed up until 3 am doing Sex on the Beach shots with Johnny the drop-out bartender at the local dive bar in college when you knew you had to be at class at 8 am. Because it’s fun to be awake!
Your kids are thinking – “Hey I’m up. Let me cry a little bit and see if I can get my pushover mom to come in here and pick me up. I bet if I cry hard enough, she’ll even bring me some milk! Don’t forget the Oreos, SUCKER!!”
Here is the best way to get your kids to sleep through the night. Before you go bed, check on them to make sure they are snuggled comfortably and safely in their cribs. Go into your own bedroom, shut the door and turn off the monitor. Sleep peacefully until morning! Get woken up by sunshine and birds chirping!!
In all seriousness, if you stop going into their rooms, they’ll most likely stop waking up. My 8-month-old daughter was a regular on the infant party girl circuit. She loved to wake up through the night. I tried feeding her, rocking her, singing to her, bringing her into my bed and praying to God himself that she would JUST SLEEP. And then one day I just moved her into a crib downstairs and let her work it out for herself. And you know what? One person parties aren’t that fun. She now sleeps through the night pretty regularly.
My advice is to get tough before your kids can bound out of bed on their own. Because I have a 4-year-old who consistently comes into my room. And it’s just not as fun to be awake in the middle of the night without Johnny the bartender around.