21 Dec
Holiday Cleaning Fun

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I really love the holidays, but I hate all the cleaning I have to do around the house to prepare for visitors. Any suggestions of how I can make holiday cleaning less of a chore?

Signed,

Dirty Elf

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Dear Dirty Elf,

I’m not sure why you even bothered writing in to us when the answer to your problem is so glaringly obvious:

Set your house on fire.

Duh.

OK, not really, but why don’t you just not host this year? Make your single sister take a turn and entertain the family in her 400 square foot studio apartment. Or rent out the back room at some pizza parlor where $6/hour employees will have to clean up the puke and tinsel. Or better yet, just have everyone stay home and you can Skype your holiday celebration.

No? Not ringing your sleigh bells? Then how about asking your family for help when it’s time to clean. (FYI: “Asking for help” includes demanding a maid service.) If everybody pitches in, it should be done in no time flat. As an example, give your children bathroom cleaning duty, the husband mopping duty, and assign yourself liquor cabinet dusting duty. That way you can both clean, plan and sample which cocktail concoctions you’ll serve. The more thorough job you do at this, the quicker time passes. Probably because you’re intoxicated, but if you’ve delegated the cleanings duties correctly, the rest of the family will be too busy to notice.

Of course, you could also just relax and realize that your holiday guests are coming to see YOU and not your vaccummed carpets. And that’s the best present of all, isn’t it?

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

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20 Dec
Thanks for the Gift, Where’s the Receipt?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My daughter got two of the same presents for her birthday. I would like to return one. Neither has a tag or a receipt. Is it rude to ask one of the moms where she got it?

Signed,

Returning Rebecca

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Dear Rebecca,

I fall firmly in the “not rude” camp on this one.  Because unless the gifts in question are identical diamond bracelets, it just makes sense to exchange one of the gifts for something that your daughter doesn’t already have.

Except.

What if the gift that your daughter received is a regift?  And the mom doesn’t know where it came from.

And.

How well do you know the mom in question?  And how confident are you that in a few weeks The Mouthy Housewives won’t be answering the “How do I tell my so-called-friend how hurt I was that she returned the gift that I spent literally minutes picking out for her daughter? Signed, Wounded Wanda?”

If I were to guess, you’d have a conversation that would go something like this:  “Hi, listen, thank you so much for your gift.  My daughter loves it.  I love it.  We all love it.  And we love you.  A lot. We love you so much that we feel like we can be honest with you.”  At this point you will pause dramatically and your friend will most likely succumb to tremendous anxiety that you are about to deliver life shattering news.

It’s very exhausting.  And makes me think that I am also firmly in the “Don’t say anything to anyone about any gifts and just regift the duplicate or donate it to Toys for Tots” camp.

Who knew that I was such a camper?

If, on the third hand, the mom is easy-going and probably has already forgotten what she gave your daughter, then by all means.  Although there is a slight chance that she won’t have a clue about where she bought it.

Is it me, or is a no gifts policy starting to sound like a great idea?

Best wishes,

Marinka, TMH

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Congratulations to our Where Women Cook giveaway winner, Cheryl from Deckside Thoughts!

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16 Dec
Ex-Con Relatives Aren’t on My Christmas Card Mailing List Either

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

H-E-L-P!!! I have a mother-in-law that I swear is directly related to the devil. She has done nothing but give me problems in the five years I’ve been married to her son. {I also might add she hates me because my mother kind of married her ex husband (who, yes, is my husband’s father) but that wasn’t my fault.}

The real issue is the fact that she has stolen things from my house, gotten caught, AND ARRESTED, and still thinks she is welcome in our lives. I personally hate every ounce of her being, so I did not send her a Christmas card. However I did send one to all five of her other children who live close to her. I thought this would rub in the fact that we hate her in even more. She calls us and asks why we didn’t send her card, then goes on to say that I am obviously pregnant in the picture and wants to know when her grandchild is due. I am not pregnant, nor do I look so. I think it was okay not to send her a card, right?!

Signed,

Am I being too harsh?

P.S. Thank GOD she lives 1000 miles away

________________________________________________________

Dear Too Harsh,

Okay, is there a conspiracy aimed at turning me into a drunk? Because, sweet baby Jesus in a manger, I need yet another drink to process this question. If these type questions continue I’ll have to insist you conspirators include a drink recipe with your submission.

Is it okay to not send your mother-in-law a Christmas card? Let’s evaluate the situation! She stole from your house and I assume you played some role in her arrest, but you’re wondering if excluding her from your holiday mailing list is harsh. Hahaha! I do love a good Christmas laugh. They should make an after-school special based on this exact problem.

Laughter aside, I consulted a self-help book titled When Your Mother-in-Law Lives in a Trailer Park to make sure my judgment of your behavior is spot on. I was thrilled to discover my wisdom and advice crosses all socio-economic boundaries and applies well to satanic family member dynamics.

It’s okay to not send your mother-in-law a Christmas card. I don’t send Christmas cards at all, but this is more of an environmental decision (save the trees!) than anything to do with relatives whom I’ve had thrown in jail for theft.

Next time your mother-in-law calls to ask about her Christmas card you could always tell her to go steal it from one of the other five kids. However, is it okay not to send her one but send cards to others just to rub in the extent of your disfavor? What side of Santa’s Naughty vs. Nice list do you think that would fall? My advice is to follow my lead instead and claim the pro-environmental Christmas card exemption.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

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It’s a Mouthy Housewives Chocolate Giveaway! Pure Dark Chocolate is going to provide one lucky Mouthy Housewives reader with Pure Dark Signature Chocolate, Signature Cutting Board and a Chocolate Chipper.  A Chocolate Chipper! Have you ever heard of a more wonderful devise?  Chip a huge chunk of chocolate for yourself and a tiny morsel for your guest!  It’s not you, it’s the chipper!  To enter our giveaway, simply leave a comment on any post this week and work the word “chocolate” into it. We’ll pick a winner randomly  on Monday, December 20th.  Good luck!

And don’t forget our giveaway for the autographed premier issue of    Where Women Cook!  Simply    tweet any Mouthy Housewives post this week and leave us a comment with a link to your tweet.  It wouldn’t kill you to work in something about our timeless beauty and or sage advice into your tweet.  Winner will be selected randomly on Friday, December 17th.   Good luck!

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15 Dec
Can I be Friends with My Ex Brother-In-Law?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband’s sister is recently divorced (within the past year). She didn’t want the marriage to end and is having a very tough time moving on. During their marriage, I was really good friends with her ex, my brother-in-law. We often commiserated about being the “out-laws” and counseled each other on handling some of the less than favorable family traits that our spouses each inherited. We got along well.

So while their marriage didn’t work (he ultimately ended it and moved on to someone new a bit too soon, if you know what I mean), I really miss talking with and hanging out with him.   I haven’t had any contact with him since the divorce was finalized.   Do I need to sever my ties with him because she did? Did I mention I was matron of honor at their wedding?

Signed,

Family Ties

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Dear Family Ties (AKA Alex P. Keaton),

So just to clarify, you were the matron of honor in this woman’s wedding and you want to know if it’s ok to hang out with her ex? And the answer is….

No. It’s totally not ok. Not even a smidgen.

Sorry.

Let me explain why.

1. She’s still your sister-in-law.

2. He’s no longer part of the family.

3. He’s now hanging with Miss young hottie and your sister-in-law is having a rough time.

4. Finally, let’s say you do reconnect. What are you going to do with the guy? Get together for a coffee? A spirited game of Scrabble? Watch “The Bachelor”? It’s all sort of pointless. And if word gets back to your husband’s family, it will mean all kinds of hurt feelings and awkwardness.

I understand your intentions are good. I think my mother used to like one of my ex-boyfriends more than me. They talked gardening, needle point, interior decorating. You know, I’m starting to understand why it didn’t work out with this guy. Sure, my mom was sad we didn’t end up together but they did one last shopping spree for throw cushions and then she knew it was time to let go.

Because I know from watching too many Olive Garden commercials, when you’re here, you’re family. So when you’re not here, you’re out.

Now I’m craving bread sticks.

Good luck to you,

Kelcey, TMH

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It’s a Mouthy Housewives Chocolate Giveaway! Pure Dark Chocolate is going to provide one lucky Mouthy Housewives reader with Pure Dark Signature Chocolate, Signature Cutting Board and a Chocolate Chipper.  A Chocolate Chipper! Have you ever heard of a more wonderful devise?  Chip a huge chunk of chocolate for yourself and a tiny morsel for your guest!  It’s not you, it’s the chipper!  To enter our giveaway, simply leave a comment on any post this week and work the word “chocolate” into it. We’ll pick a winner randomly  on Monday, December 20th.  Good luck!

And don’t forget our giveaway for the autographed premier issue of    Where Women Cook!  Simply    tweet any Mouthy Housewives post this week and leave us a comment with a link to your tweet.  It wouldn’t kill you to work in something about our timeless beauty and or sage advice into your tweet.  Winner will be selected randomly on Friday, December 17th.   Good luck!

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14 Dec
Age Is Nothin’ But a (Wrong) Number

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve been friendly with the mother of one of my kids for a little over a year. We’ve had coffee together a couple of times and were planning on taking Pilates classes together. However, the last time I talked to her, I said, “You’re 42, right? You sure don’t look 42.” She then yelled, “What? I’m 35! That’s why I don’t look 42!” and now she’s giving me the cold shoulder. How do I apologize?

Signed,

Bad With Numbers

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Dear Bad,

It seems that you never got the memo saying that one should never, ever say how old someone is out loud. Even if you’re holding their birth certificate in your hand. Or at their 40th birthday party. Or if they’re yelling “Kiss my ass, I’m 50!” while wearing a shirt that says, “Kiss My Ass, I’m 50!” and getting a permanent tattoo on their butt cheek that says, “Kiss My Ass, I’m 50!” You just don’t do it.

But, you did, so let’s see how we can mop up this mess.

The most obvious and painful route would be to just come clean and say, “I’m so sorry I said you were 42. I was confused” and leave it at that. If she accepts your apology, great. If she doesn’t, then you’ll probably never become Pilates Besties, but you can still be nice and polite to her until she hopefully forgets about it.

If that’s not appealing to you, here’s another way to go: The next time you see her, point to her stomach and loudly congratulate her on being in her second trimester. I’m pretty sure that’ll make her forget all about being 42.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

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Congratulations to our randomly drawn OXFAM winner Theresa O’Connell! Theresa thinks the chicken crossed the road to get to the 7/11, so that tells us she knows a lot about poultry. Please send us your information, Theresa, and you can then bestow the gift of 12 chickies to a needy farmer in your name or in the name of a loved one. And thanks to everyone for participating!

And it’s giveaway time!   For a chance to receive an autographed premier issue of   Where Women Cook, tweet any Mouthy Housewives post this week and leave us a comment with a link to your tweet.  It wouldn’t kill you to work in something about our timeless beauty and or sage advice into your tweet.  Winner will be selected randomly on Friday, December 17th.   Good luck!

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