31 Dec
Real Housewives of Backstab County, Episode 1

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My friend and her husband have been married for more than 20 years. I’m married too, and all of our kids are good friends. Here’s the kicker: my friend’s husband has a BIG crush on me and I would love to shag his brains out. So far I have ignored it all, but my friend has definitely noticed. We live in a small community and obviously if I were to shag him all hell could break loose – something I am not prepared to put everyone through. When I’m not ovulating (ha) I can be quite rational about it and, in fact, feel resentful towards him for putting so much at risk.

I need your advice. Do I ignore him? Do I play along with it by being open and funny about his thing with me (in front of her)? Do I point the facts out to him or just throw caution to the wind? Thank you!

Signed,

Hot and Bothered

P.S. My husband and I laugh about it.

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Dear Hot and Bothered,

Right away I see the root of your problem. You were a rabid As the World Turns fan, possibly even a cast member, and now that the show is canceled you are trying to fill the void in your life with a personal soap opera. We could call your version As My World Implodes. Because that’s exactly what will happen if you “just throw caution to the wind” which I assume is a tasteless euphemism for “screw my friend’s husband.”

As many times we Mouthy Housewives see humor in things, I really don’t see how you can play along and be funny about this in front of your friend. How would that work? “Tee he he, Jon, you’re such a flirt. Jane, we all know your husband wants a piece of my badonkadonk. Isn’t that funny, your husband lusting after your friend?!”

Your only option is obvious:   Ignore him. And by ignore him, I mean stop being around him. It’s one thing to appreciate that a friend’s spouse is a hottie and think she’s a lucky girl.   It’s even acceptable to sometimes fantasize about sex with in-real-life people. But decency ends there and I think you know it.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

P.S. What drug do you slip into your husband’s nightcap that he thinks it’s funny you want to shag another man? I might like to keep some stashed in case I ever run into Daniel Craig and shag him. I certainly want my husband to see the humor in that!

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29 Dec
I’d Love My Friends if They Were Actually Nice to Me

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have these two friends that I really like to hang out with. They are smart and funny and in some ways the same as me. I also don’t have very many other friends at the moment (actually none) so it’s important I keep up these friendships. The problem is, they never ask about my life at all.

One dropped by today and spent an hour talking about herself and answering my questions but when I went to say something about me, or ask a leading question she ignored it. It’s always me asking them to do stuff and though I know they have fun when we’re out, I feel a bit pathetic and labrador-ish. I don’t know what I should do. Should I just grit my teeth and bear it until I make some new friends or should I confront them about it? I guess I could start ramming facts about my life down their throats but that just seems exhausting.

Signed,

Labradoodle

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Dear Labradoodle,

You obviously have a very loose interpretation of the word “friend.” Because these so-called smart, funny women are also enormously self-centered and hurtful. They don’t ask you to do things. They don’t ask about your life. What is so friendly about them?!

Sounds like they see themselves as the glamorous duo Farrah Fawcett and Jaclyn Smith while you’re stuck being bland Kate Jackson. So you have two choices here. You can either start feathering your hair or dump these two egocentric ladies.   I suggest the latter because too many layers are a bitch in the humidity.

Of course, that leaves you with no friends. Or at least no IRL (in real life) friends since we Mouthy Housewives already think you are fabulous. Reach out to other women (an acquaintance, someone from work, another mom)   that you know and invite her to a movie, a drink or dinner. It feels sort of like dating again but you don’t have to worry about that awkward “Will we kiss or won’t we?” moment.   Eventually, you’ll find the right girl. A real friend. One that doesn’t make you feel like a dog.

Good luck!

Kelcey, TMH

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27 Dec
Is She a Babysitter or a Parking Expert?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I recently left my 6 year old and 5 month old son with a babysitter. When I returned, I realized that her car was parked in a different spot. Turns out, she ran out and moved it while I was gone to avoid getting a ticket. She claims that she was only gone 2 minutes and the baby was sleeping at the time. I was upset about this. What if she had gotten locked out? Shouldn’t she have at least asked me first? Am I over reacting?

Signed,

Mama Bear

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Dear Mama Bear,

Here at The Mouthy Housewives we have an iron clad policy not to answer a reader’s question while feeling angry.   And the fact that I just made up this policy shouldn’t detract from its validity.   But, see, I read your question over an hour ago, I counted to ten and took so many deep breaths that I should register comatose on the relaxation scale, and yet, I’m still seething.

Because leaving a child unattended for however short a time period is unacceptable.   And the fact that it was two children is twice as unacceptable.   Unacceptablemus maximus.

Fortunately, she moved the car, avoided a ticket, and your children were unharmed.     That’s the good news.   The bad news is that she seems to value not getting a ticket over your children’s safety.   You are not okay with what she did and are now questioning, correctly, her judgment.

I mean, are you supposed to leave her a list of do’s and don’ts? When we hire caregivers for our kids we like to assume that they are on the same page as we are, and often leave some things unspoken.   If we have to mention things such as “please don’t let my baby do any deep-frying” and “my toddler is not allowed in the shooting range” it makes having a babysitter more of a burden than necessary.

Do yourself a favor and get a new babysitter.   One that will park herself in front of the kids.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

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23 Dec
I Want to be Faceless on Facebook

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve come to you with a Facebook dilemma. My family loves taking and posting pictures on Facebook. Great, except I don’t think so. I recently got together with my family to do the Christmas baking: an all-day marathon of cookies and candy. I dressed suitably for the event in a t-shirt and ratty sweats with my hair in braids and absolutely NO makeup. When I saw the first camera come out I threatened death if any pictures of me ended up on Facebook. Well, there they are AND they won’t take them down. What can I do about my face getting plastered on the Internet? I’m thinking I just won’t attend any more events.

Sincerely,

Faceless on Facebook

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Dear Faceless,

Your first option is to follow through with your threats of death. Of course they are posting those pictures on Facebook. They aren’t taking you seriously! I promise it won’t take but one death to change that. Keep in mind, though, if you go with option one, having your picture on Facebook will be child’s play when compared to having it on America’s Most Wanted.

Your second option is just like you said: you don’t attend any more events. Obviously this must be a lifelong commitment since social media technology isn’t going away. So no more weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, girls’ nights out, holiday parties, cocktail parties, school parties, and after work get-togethers for you, all of which can and do end up on Facebook. You know the t-shirt and ratty sweatpants you wore to the bake-a-thon? Consider that your new wardrobe, because why bother with anything else? Go ahead and dig yourself an underground hobbit hole to live in too, that way perhaps GPS satellites won’t be able to pinpoint your exact house on Google.

Or we can do something less drastic, like accept we live in the 21st century. It can suck at times, I know, and this whole social media thing is a real Catch-22. It’s great to stay connected, but on the other hand, when and where can we be human? When can I go out of the house with no makeup and greasy hair and old boyfriends not find out about it? I also freak out a little when my son gets on my iPhone, finds our home on Google, and there it is, not just an address, but a picture of it too!

What lessons can we learn from living in the limelight of the 21st century social media? There’s a reason it’s called 15-minutes of fame: you should spend at least 15 minutes making yourself presentable to the public. Just ask Brittany Spears about the time she spent only 13 minutes and skipped the underwear to save a little time.

You know your family enjoys taking pictures and posting them on Facebook, so I suggest spending 15 minutes putting on makeup and throwing on jeans and a fitted t-shirt the next time you get together with them.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

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22 Dec
Take Your Housewarming Gift and Shove It

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

We were invited over to meet our new neighbors for a housewarming, and brought a bottle of wine. Neighbor lady makes a face, tells us she doesn’t like wine, and sets it aside. Her husband forced it back into our hands as we left.

What’s the proper Mouthy Housewives response?

Signed,

We’ll Drink It

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Dear We’ll Drink It,

Judging from their reaction, are you sure you didn’t also give your neighbor lady a new diaphragm? Or some K-Y Jelly? Or the Waterproof Jack Rabbit vibrator? (I know. Waterproof vibrators. The advancements in technology are amazing.)   Or some kind of other inappropriate gift?

Or possibly the wine had one of those clever, funny names like, “My Neighbors Can Suck It” or “Don’t Even Think of Painting That Fence Because It’s On My Property.”   That might explain such a strong reaction to a bottle of vino.

Or maybe they don’t drink. Even so, wine is the universal gift. They could have brought that bottle to their next dinner party and passed it on, spreading good wine karma throughout the world. Instead, they rudely shoved it back in your hands.

Clearly, these new neighbors are not going to be regulars at your weekly neighborhood Bunco & Sangria night so I would just let this go. Be cordial to them in person and suppress the desire to cover their car with decals from your local wine shop in the dead of night.   And be very grateful you didn’t have to waste a bottle of your favorite Two Buck Chuck on those bizarre people.

Cheers!

Kelcey, TMH

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