30 Nov
Happy Holidays! Now Get Me What I Want

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My sister-in-law insists on telling our family exactly what she wants for Christmas for herself and her kids. She even provides links. Then she gets upset if we don’t buy off her list.

This makes me crazy! Whatever happened to the spirit of the holidays? Should I say something?

Signed,

Wish List Wench

____________________________

Dear Wish List Wench,

I’ve been sitting here thinking about your question for some time, trying very hard to see both sides of the issue. However, after ten minutes of objective reasoning and Spider Solitaire playing, all I’m left with is this:

Your sister-in-law’s a jerk.

At the risk of sounding like an animated North Pole monkey on a crappy holiday special starring Delta Burke as Santa, I have to say that it seems like your SIL has forgotten the true meaning of the season. I’m sure her thinking is, “Well, they’re going to buy me gifts, anyway. I should make sure it’s something that I want!” Not necessarily bad thinking. But since her list making is completely unsolicited by you, it actually smacks of greed and outright entitlement. Plus, it’s just sort of icky.

You could continue to just grit your teeth and stick with her list to keep the family peace. Or try the passive-aggressive route and give her things from the list, only in the wrong color or size. (“Oh, did you want a Small, blue sweater? I thought it said “XXL, plaid! My bad!”) Or, and I think this is the clear winner here, you could instead make a nice donation in her name to a worthy charity.

Maybe then she’ll finally realize that it’s the thought that counts.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

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29 Nov
Why Doesn’t This Bother Her?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My daughter married a man who keeps three pages of endearments from an ex-girlfriend online for anyone to read. It breaks my heart that he refuses to remove it, and that my daughter says it’s okay. I don’t believe that a woman truly isn’t bothered by that, but am I wrong?   Have things changed that much?

Signed,

Sticking Up for My Daughter

_____________________________

Dear Sticking Up,

One thing I know about women is that the things that drive one woman absolutely insane do not bother other women in the least.   At least that’s the only way that I can explain Dr. Phil’s popularity.   I have a life- threatening allergic reaction whenever I see him on TV, whereas my mother thinks that he is a “very wise man and he often makes sense, especially when dealing with ungrateful daughters.”   Whatever.

Why not write her a letter?  Something along these lines:  “Dear Daughter, I saw that your husband posted a three-page list of endearments from a former girlfriend and my heart breaks on your behalf.  I am worried that you are deeply upset by this, but have not had the courage to face your agony. I want you to know that I am here for you.  If what your husband did pains you, makes you feel like less of a woman or if perhaps your marriage is in trouble, do not keep those feelings bottled up.  Confront your husband and threaten him with the time honored tradition of sexual deprivation and/or crashing the website that hosts this lovefest. And if you truly don’t mind, please ignore this note.”

Obviously, I don’t know what the endearments are exactly, what the backstory is and why the three pages are of any interest to anyone other than the two people involved (unless they’re celebrities—OMG, your daughter isn’t Heidi of Speidi fame, is she?!)   But if your daughter generally speaks her mind, and she says that it does not bother her, I recommend that you take her at her word.

Sincerely,

Marinka, TMH

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25 Nov
The Thankful Housewives

It’s Thanksgiving and The Mouthy Housewives are feeling thankful!  Thankful for our families, our children, our compression undergarments and our well-stocked liquor cabinets.  But mostly we’re thankful for the blogs that fill our days with laughter and warm our hearts with whatever it is that warms hearts.

The list below is full of people who we think are the writers that make us a community, and we toast them at our virtual Thanksgiving table.  Thank you, ladies, for all that you give and for not making fun of us when we shotgun two pumpkin pies in under 20 minutes.

And since we’re a little cheap here at The Mouthy Housewives, we’re going to make this a Thanksgiving potluck and ask all of you readers to add in the blogs for which you’re thankful this year. It might even be your own or (ahem) one of ours. But we ask that you just take a couple of minutes and let us know.

Blogs We Love:

Amalah

The Flying Chalupa

These Are the Days

The 52 Seductions

The Days are Just Packed

Her Bad Mother

Peace Love and Guacamole

A Road with a View

Ann’s Rants

Finslippy

Earth Mother Just Means I’m Dusty

Is There Any Mommy Out There?

Late Enough

Mom 101

The Tales of Princess Mikkimoto

Scary Mommy

Classy Chaos

The Bitchin Wives Club

Deb On The Rocks

Lost in the Chaos

I’m Gonna Kill Him

Smacksy

Vodkamom

Hollywood: Where Hot Comes to Die

The Extraordinary Ordinary

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! (And if we forgot you, feel free to come over and throw your leftovers at us. Especially the stuffing.)

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24 Nov
My Nanny Stole My Heart! And Possibly My Visa Card

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I think my nanny (who I love!) might be stealing money from me. How can I find out for sure?

Signed,

Ripped Off

_________________________________________________

Dear Ripped Off,

Ah, nannies. When they’re not writing sucky tell-all books about you, they’re sleeping with your husband and having his golden-haired love child. Both of which are reasons I’ve never, ever hired a nanny to take care of my precious children. (And also because I haven’t held a job since 1980.)

But while I may not have any first hand experience with dishonest nannies, I certainly know how to sniff out a dirty rat when I see one. After all, I spent most of my formative years drinking wine and watching The Godfather trilogy over   200 times.   Therefore, I can say with 100% certainty that your nanny is probably guilty if you see any of the following signs:

  • She upgrades the rims on her Cadillac El Dorado to diamond studded platinum
  • She’s started wearing solid gold cuff links to poker night at Big Jimmy’s place
  • She’s now hanging out with a higher class of Atlantic City hooker
  • She went behind your back to Miami kingpin Hyman Roth whose men attempted to assassinate you at your Lake Tahoe compound so they could then take down the entire Corleone organization and gain control of Vegas
  • She has a new Coach purse

However, if she doesn’t show any of those signs, I say trust your gut. Where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire.   But (and this is a big but) get proof before you make any accusations. You could do this with a Nanny Cam, which kind of gives me the personal creeps, or with a sting operation in which you put a wad of bills in a drawer and keep tabs on it to see if any goes missing. And then if any does, and you’re totally certain the money wasn’t taken by your kids, your husband or yourself, then sit her down and have the uncomfortable discussion. Hopefully, she’ll confess and you’ll get the answer you want. But if she still won’t come clean, fuggedaboutit.

Because I hear a horse head in the bed works wonders.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

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23 Nov
Mean Girls

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I need advice on responding to several emails from a “friend” wanting to get together. She is a former co-worker (we still work in the same building and run into each other occasionally). The past several years we have drifted apart, but then she will call and we will get together.

This summer she responded to my call by posting a Facebook wall invite to get together the next day. I was unavailable and felt like the invite was an afterthought. In the fall, I saw her again at work and she made an insensitive joke about my leg injury. I called to talk with her about this and she didn’t return my call.

Now two months later, she has sent two emails and wants to know if something is wrong. I don’t know how to respond. Suggestions?

Signed,

Ready to De-Friend

______________________________________

Dear Ready to De-Friend,

This reminds me of when I was in the 5th grade and the most popular girl in school Melissa made fun of my hair because it didn’t feather properly, despite a very expensive perm that made me look like my grandmother. Melissa just wove her fingers through her perfectly feathered brunette tresses and deemed me not cool enough to hang with her Farrah Fawcett crew.

The formaldehyde vapors from my perm couldn’t soften the blow.   I cried to my Shaun Cassidy poster every night, wondering how anyone could be so cruel. But you know what I learned as I grew up? Mean people suck. And if this girl is making fun of your leg injury and not returning your calls, then she isn’t worth a single moment of your time. Because life is too short to waste your energy on mediocre friendships.

So here are your options…

1. Press delete and write on her Facebook wall, “Hey. Sorry I’ve been so busy. Hope you are well!”

2. Press delete and forget about this girl.

3. Press delete and go get yourself a perm. (Warning: Although when you hear “perm,” you obviously think glamour, just keep in mind that sometimes this hair treatment can go a bit awry.)

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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