21 Oct
The Geriatric Art of Mommy Judging

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My mother constantly judges and criticizes my parenting skills. She literally called me a bad mother last week for taking a break from my daughter by going to a friend’s house for a couple of hours. We haven’t talked on the phone for an entire week (and we usually talk on the phone daily). I don’t know if I should send her a lengthy email, cut her out of my life, or forget everything and call her right now.

What should I do?

Signed,
A Mom Pissed at Her Mom

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Dear Mom Pissed at Her Mom,

You haven’t talked to your mom in a week and you’re complaining about it? You do realize some women would give up their Louboutin boots for that?   Maybe part of the problem is the two of you talk too much. I guess you could send her a lengthy email about her behavior, but only if doing so doesn’t cut into your cocktail time. Besides, do you know what speaks louder than a lengthy email? A slammed phone followed by a dial tone.

You’d think your own mother would understand parenting is tough since she once did it herself. We all need breaks from our kids to be a better parent. The fact that your mother doesn’t remember this leads me to question her sanity.

Instead of emailing a long diatribe detailing her transgressions against you, I suggest you email her articles explaining how untreated syphilis ravages the brain. Follow that with articles on elderly dementia and then sign her up for snail mail nursing home brochures. (The seedier the nursing home the better.) Before your next girls’ night out, I bet your mom will be too paranoid to even think of your parenting skills.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

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20 Oct
Geographically Incompatible Couple Seeks Help

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband of 21 years just told me if he weren’t married to me, he’d be living in the desert. I didn’t freak out. I simply responded calmly and honestly  by telling him that if I weren’t married to him, I’d be living on the North Carolina coast.

There’s no way I can live landlocked. There’s no way he can live with any more humidity than we already deal with here in New England.   I like him plenty and love him a lot. I’m just wondering if I should leave him now or wait until he retires in 18-20 years at which point I’ll likely be dead.

Signed,

We’re Both Ready To Move – Just To Different Places

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Dear We’re Both Ready To Move,

Let me quickly review some of the sacrifices I’ve made for my own marriage.   I am constantly cleaning up clutter because my husband thinks our dresser is the ideal place to store 90% of his stuff. I don’t get to follow Justin Bieber on his worldwide tour because I have a family to take care of. And I don’t get to sleep with hot lifeguards. We all make sacrifices.

And I understand your distress because I hate living in New York where, in my opinion, it’s FREEZING six months out of the year.   My dream is to live by the beach in LA or Miami where it’s warm and sunny all year long. Meanwhile my husband would love to live in Italy, eating pasta and drinking red wine every day.   But his employer is in New York City so unless somebody starts paying me a lot of money to clean all the junk off our dresser each week, we’ll be staying right here – drinking lots of red wine in our living room.

It’s perfectly normal for couples to want to live somewhere else. But that’s what a marriage is – COMPROMISE. It ain’t pretty but it actually works. It you like and love your husband, I would stay put. Because those North Carolina beaches can get pretty lonely without a significant other. Plan a girls weekend there ASAP and suddenly you won’t feel so frustrated.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

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19 Oct
Let’s Play Dress Up! Not.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Each Halloween, our neighborhood has a big street party and people wear costumes. I love doing this, but my husband refuses to dress up. Then he looks like a stick-in-the-mud at the party, which kind of embarrasses me. Should I keep trying to make him wear a costume or just leave him alone?

Signed,

Married to a Halloweiner

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Dear Married to a Halloweiner,

Man, do I relate to this problem. After making my husband dress up as the Captain to my Tennille one year, and the Dumb to my Dumber another year, he now completely refuses to participate in any costume shenanigans at all. In fact, last year he totally ignored my repeated pleas to drape himself in Don Hardy wear and go as Jon Gosselin. I can’t even begin tell you how depressing it was to sport a Kate Gosselin wig without a balding douchebag by my side that night. I didn’t even have the energy to scream at my eight kids.

However, we must remember that after the age of 10, wearing a costume isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. That’s why the world isn’t full of theater majors and/or people who put on a mascot suit and have orgies. Therefore, I suggest that instead of bugging your husband to go in character, you simply let him wear his every day clothes to the party. Then make sure that YOU dress accordingly. For example:

  • He wears a shirt & tie and chinos.
  • YOU wear a blue stained dress and beret.
  • Instant Clinton/Lewinsky costume!

OR

  • He wears golf clothes and a visor.
  • YOU wear clear heels and edible panties.
  • Instant Tiger Woods/Whore costume!

OR

  • He wears dirty jorts and a camouflage t-shirt.
  • YOU wear a Confederate flag miniskirt and a bridal veil.
  • Instant White Trash Wedding costume, Y’all!

So you see, my friend, with a little imagination and a lot of trickery, the possibilities are endless. Especially if he shops at Chess King.

Happy Halloween!

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

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18 Oct
Gazundheitcover Your Mouth!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Why do my co-workers not cover their mouths when they cough or sneeze? I bought 10 boxes of Kleenex for the office and spread them around in every location. They still cough or sneeze without covering their mouth. HELP.

Signed, Germ-a-Phobic

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Dear Germ-a-Phobic,

There’s  a long answer and a short answer to your question about why they do it.  They have bad manners.  (And the long answer is that they have very bad manners.)

Our goal is to get them to start covering up.  But before we embark on that worthy goal, we have to review Sneezing and Coughing 101.  Fortunately, I attended a presentation last year and learned that the new and fashionable way to sneeze is not into your hand, but into your elbow. I know what you’re thinking, but you actually don’t have to be a contortionist to accomplish this task.  Just bend your elbow and sneeze away.  Not using your hands has the extra benefit of not spreading germs through your hands, even if you are tissue-free.

Why not share this fun tidbit with your office mates?  Surely they’ll be fascinated and who doesn’t want to appear modern by testing out the fancy new elbow sneezing an coughing technique?  Why, the water cooler will be absolutely buzzing with excitement.

If they still insist on free-range sneezing and coughing, ask them to please cover their mouths.  Explain that you’re one of those weirdos who is concerned about not getting sick and missing work, forcing your co-workers to pick up the slack.  If you can say it in an Elmo-voice, all the better!

Here’s to your health,

Marinka

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14 Oct
Get A Little Closer

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been married for 7 years and we have 3 beautiful children together. Lately, though, it seems we do not talk and there is distance between us.   What should I do? Please help.

Signed,

Desperate to Connect

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Dear Desperate to Connect,

Congratulations on being married fifteen years! We all know seven years is the new fifteen years in today’s marriage. I’ve been married fourteen years (which is actually 67 in psycho years), so I hear you on the distance and lack of talking. I can’t remember the last time my husband and I talked about something other than Little League practice schedules and the next Netflix movie in our queue.

Most experts recommend couples hire a babysitter to stay connected. Obviously those people aren’t experts in the current economic times. Just like they did during the Great Depression, we’re going to have to be a bit creative yet hopefully not resort to lingerie made out of flour sacks.

One suggestion to close the distance between you and your husband is to sit next to him on the couch. For ultimate closeness, sit on top of him. If he complains you’re blocking his view of the television, you might have to try those flour sack nighties.

For conversations starters, I recommend a healthy, intellectual debate, such as my personal favorite: Can you fix the toilet or do we need to call a damn plumber? Perhaps take on a fun house project together, such as finally walling off that padded room. Think of the decorating conversations you’ll have! Or try reading Shakespeare to one another after the kids are in bed, impressing each other with how much parenthood has atrophied your brain.

Before you know it, you and your husband will be talking and connecting once or again! Possibly through tin cans running to and from the padded room, but hey, you’re talking and connecting.

Signed,
Heather, TMH

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