TRICK OR TREAT? HOW ABOUT BOTH?!
Still searching for a last minute Halloween costume for yourself?
Tired of the usual “sexy” crap like nurses and kittens?
Well, why not shake things up a bit this year and show the world how slutty you can be without even trying!
SEXY BUTT WIPER: Unbutton your blouse and carry a box of wet wipes!
SEXY EXHAUSTED MOTHER: Unbutton your blouse and put glitter on your dark circles!
SEXY DISHWASHER: Unbutton your blouse and spank people with your wet Playtex gloves!
SEXY WINO: Unbutton your blouse and drink enough wine so that even your weird neighbor Gary looks hot!
SEXY WEIGHT WATCHER: Unbutton your blouse and tell everyone the caloric content of each piece of candy!
SEXY PMSer: Unbutton your blouse, retain water and punch people in the face until they give you chocolate!
So you see, ladies, with a little imagination, a little unbuttoning and a whole lot of “Oh, who the f*ck cares, just give me the stupid candy bars and let me cry in my closet by myself people,” Halloween can be the sexiest—and scariest—holiday of all!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am literally the poorest person in my fancy town. We have a nice, modest home, I’m perfectly happy and grateful for everything we have. But we are surrounded by giant houses, fancy cars, and so much wealth. The other day I lied to my friends when they asked me to join them at an expensive restaurant for dinner. I just can’t blow that kind of money on one meal! We’re not moving and the school district is great here. But sometimes it’s just hard to deal with all the wealth.
Any ideas on how to deal with this?
Not Keeping Up with the Joneses
Dear Not Keeping Up with the Joneses,
Are you sure you’re the poorest person in your town? It could be you’re really the most prosperous in town. If we’ve learned anything from the Great Recession, it’s that you can’t judge the wealthy by their McMansions. For all you know your neighbors are overextended, underwater, and burdened by a house, a Benz, and a country club membership they can’t truly afford.
You know what I would like us to do? I mean other than TP the Joneses’ McMansions, because I really detest financial show-offs. Let’s start a Not Keeping Up with the Joneses movement! (You’ll never guess how I came up with the slogan.) Look at us and try to keep up with our modest homes that don’t suck up half of the power grid, our 11-year-old paid-for cars, and our 22-piece gourmet cookware set found on Craigslist. We’ll be the ones in vogue before your neighbor’s next collection call.
As far as what to do between now and then, they say honesty is the best policy. Except when it comes to money. We Americans uphold a financial tradition of secrets and lies, so keep lying to your friends! The next time you’re invited to a costly event, tell them you would love to come except you just donated all of your fun money to the orphanage. Not only will this get you out of the overpriced dinner, it will make them feel guilty too. You could also say you’re working in a soup kitchen, knitting caps for preemies, or bathing lepers – all good charity cover stories! Before long their guilt will spur them to donate to charities too, so your lying will actually make the world a better place.
Keep lying. Keep saving.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Last week I went to my good friend’s hairdresser for a hair cut, eyebrow wax and partial highlights. The woman did the highlights, but they came out way too blonde. She then toned them down, but they were still way too blonde, so she had to tone them down again. The third time was the charm, and they came out fine after four long hours at the salon.
Before my appointment, I looked up tipping etiquette and read that 20% was a good tip. My question is: I tipped this woman $20 (more than 20%), but I was there for four hours, so was it enough? Or was I a bad tipper?
Dear Hairy Situation,
Finally! Finally we get a question here at The Mouthy Housewives that actually falls into my realm of expertise. I mean, let’s be honest here: I don’t know jack about mother-in-law issues, Facebook problems or how to throw down in the bedroom, but just give Ms. Wendi a question about blonde highlights and boom—girlfriend’s all over it like Dr. Joyce F#$@ing Brothers, man!
(There might be a slight chance that my ponytail’s too tight today.)
I’m assuming from what you said that you don’t live in California, Texas or Florida where there’s no such thing as “way too blonde.” And that probably means you’re not a Real Housewife or a Tiger Woods mistress, either, which is a shame because I’d really like to become friends with one so I can get discounts at Bebe. Anyway, unlike you, I like my highlights to be as blonde as possible so I look like Dog the Bounty Hunter and nobody bothers me at school drop-off time, but it’s okay if you don’t agree. The world needs subtle blondes, too.
Now, regarding the hairdresser’s tip, I totally think you did the right thing. If you were clear with her from the get-go as to your expectations, it was her job to make you happy no matter how long it took. Plus, you were more than generous with the 20%. (But does that $20 mean you got all of this beauty done for $100!? If so, where do you live? Do they have wine bars and Super Targets there? Can you send me some real estate listings?)
The next time you get your hair done, I’m sure things will go much smoother and the hairstylist will know exactly what you want from her. And then just one short hour later, you can leave your generous 20% tip and go on your merry blonde (but not too blonde) way.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
On a routine trip to the pet store to get dog food, my 10 year old fell in love with the hamster/gerbil/guinea pig section. Now she is DYING for one. The problem is that we already have a dog and a cat and everything I have read confirms my suspicions that the cat will eat the thing. So is there a cat proof hamster home out there?
I explained that we have to respect our current pets that were here first and not tempt them with meaty chewables and I thought that worked. But this morning I woke to a full page letter wishing me all the luck in “finding” a hamster. What should I do?
We Love Dogs, Cats and Rodents Too!
Dear Animal Lovers,
I am going to tell you a very unfortunate story and I only hope you will learn from my wise words. When I was a kid, I had the chance to bring home the class guinea pigs for the summer. This was an honor indeed!
And I made sure those guinea pigs had the most fabulous summer (sun bathing, frolicking, water skiing) – right up until the day they got eaten by our two dogs. There is nothing worse than having to explain to your teachers why you are coming back from summer vacation with an empty guinea pig cage.
Dogs and cats are always going to be very interested in eating hamsters, guinea pigs and gerbils. So there is always a risk of little Herb the hamster becoming your kitty cat’s next meal. I would advise a cage with a very secure top. Ask your local pet store what to buy. And I would put something heavy on top of it to make sure no one gets out and no one gets in. Like a big fat hardcover book. Because your Kindle ain’t keeping anyone out of that cage.
And one more tip on animals: If you ever get bunnies and let them run around your yard, they, too, will be eaten. I know. I’m not a fast learner.
Good luck to you.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I recently started a new job that is causing my family to move back to our home state. I packed up, took the two kiddos, rented an apartment, and started a new job all by myself. Hubby has been by my side the whole way helping make arrangements, helping me move, and helping me get the apartment together, but he won’t be able to transfer to his job in our new location until mid next month.
My mom mentioned how nice it would be when he gets here in a few short weeks. I spouted off “Yea, if it really happens. His boss hasn’t given us a date.” What I meant was – “His boss hasn’t given us a firm date and my husband still has to get the house ready to sell.” Apparently, she interpreted that as “You are having marital problems and you might get divorced.” Now she is telling everyone that we are having marital problems and that he might not move.
I am trying to clean up her mess, but I really just want to strangle her. What should I do?
Can I Divorce My Mom?
Dear Divorce My Mom,
What we have here is a beast known as The Mother-Daughter Relationship. The problem is not just that your mother misunderstood, it’s that she’s blabbing her misunderstanding to everyone. As much as you are annoyed by her now, when your marriage is blissfully intact; you’d be thinking of torture schemes for her if you were indeed in the midst of marital woes. Torture schemes that would involve forced marathon sessions of The View. The Starr Jones episodes.
So, you can let her know that you do not appreciate her sharing your personal problems with the world. Explain to her how hurt you are that she did not keep your confidence and encourage her to make it up to you with spa treatments or perhaps a larger than previously considered share in her estate. If you’re feeling generous, let her know that your marriage is just fine and that she just misunderstood you. But I would wait until her Will has been property notarized.
You may also want to have a general discussion with her about the English language and the art of casual exaggeration. So that the next time you say “I could eat a horse!” she doesn’t call the local stable to put them on notice.
Sorry about your impending divorce.