Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Recently a good friend of mine has been pulling away and spending a lot more time with another mutual friend, mostly in the form of play dates. I am friends with friend B, but not as close with her as I am this friend. I don’t host many people at my house because it’s small and there’s really only one space to play in, which gets crowded very easily. And let’s face it, I’m just not a host.
I recently learned via Facebook that my friend hosted a big play date and didn’t invite me. Then today we had plans for her to come over, and when I asked if it was still on, she said that she forgot and made plans with friend B late last night, but I was welcome to join them. She was very apologetic and seemed to feel very bad, but I don’t want to be anyone’s pity play date.
I know that this sounds petty, but this is (was) my closest SAHM friend. We were more than just moms who get together with their kids. I know that everyone’s going to tell me to talk to her and tell her about my feelings, but we all know that’s much easier said than done. I feel like I’m going through a break up.
Dear Lonely Mom,
Keep in mind that your friend might be getting together with friend B more because their kids are just more compatible and play well together. Of course, I find this ridiculous because play dates aren’t supposed to be about kids having fun. They are supposed to be about moms connecting, laughing and gossiping. Where else are you going to be reassured that you’re not the only one with a 4 year-old who still has a pacifier addiction?! But maybe she’s confused and still thinks play dates are for children.
I think you need to embrace Friend B, along with your main friend. Jack, Janet and Chrissy all made it work on “Three’s Company” and there is no reason you all can’t get along too. Especially without that meddlesome Mr. Roper around. Plus, bonus… you don’t have to pretend that you’re gay!
You need to start being more proactive. Invite both over for a play date. To be a good play date host, throw out a bag of baked chips, some flavored Pellegrino and don’t make anyone clean up. Also, invite both of them to go to the aquarium. Or the zoo. Or anywhere that’s fun. If you want to be included, start including them in your plans. Pretty soon, you’ll be the tightest threesome in town!
If this doesn’t solve the problem, you may just need to talk to your friend. Don’t come off needy. Just say, “Hey, I feel like we never get together anymore. I miss hanging out. I’d love to put a play date on the calender.” Or even better, forget the play date and grab dinner and drinks once the husbands get home from work. Most problems really can be solved by a mojito or two.
Let us know how it goes. Good luck.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What is the best way to drive home the message that dirty dishes go in the dishwasher and not in the sink as a staging area? Because I’m about to kill my husband and appear on a very special episode of “Snapped.”
Dear Dishpan Hands,
I certainly sympathize with your problem, however I must tell you that you need to let go of your anger immediately. You see, according to the New England Journal of Made-Up Medicine, scientists have recently discovered that the DNA code of male humans does not include the “Clean Up After Your Own Shit” gene. Yep, they can’t help it, the dirty, little darlings. They were just born that way.
In fact, over the past 18 years of my marriage, I have observed this genetic anomaly on a daily basis. To wit: Husband uses bowl. Husband places bowl in sink that’s TEN INCHES away from the shiny dishwasher he himself installed. Husband wanders away to scratch. Twelve hours later, husband opens cabinet and grabs same, exact bowl that’s now magically clean. How’d that happen? he wonders. Osmosis? Fairies? The ghost of Billy Mays? Ah, well, who the f*ck cares? Cereal good.
Now despite his affliction, I’ve still tried a few guerrilla tactics to try to change his behavior over the years. Maybe one of these would do the trick for you:
1) Let the dishes pile up until the kitchen smells like the dumpster behind the Chattanooga Waffle House
2) Invite his parents over for a fancy dinner, then serve filet mignon on disposable paper plates
3) Invite his boss over for a fancy dinner served on your wedding china, then while she’s watching, have the dog lick the plates clean before you put them back in the cabinets
4) Fill the dishwasher with beer, popcorn and Victoria’s Secret catalogs so he forever associates it with “good stuff inside.”
5) Finally, refuse to let him “load your dishwasher” until he “loads the dishwasher.”
Of course, none of those things has actually worked for me. No, I’m still transferring dishes out of the sink and into the dishwasher like the world’s prettiest indentured servant. But you know what? I’m okay with that because I recently discovered a genetic anomaly of my own: The inability to not order shoes online when seething with resentment over household chores.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My 4-year-old daughter is playing her first season of soccer. At the start of the season, the “Team Mom,” told us in no uncertain terms that when it was our week to bring an after-game snack, it needed to be healthy. On my week, I spent two hours cutting up fricking apples and oranges, only to have the kids refuse to eat anything. The next week, the same thing happened with another mom. Then finally, this past weekend, the “Team Mom” shows up with Rice Krispie Treats and Capri Suns and the kids now worship her like a High Fructose Corn Syrup Goddess. What’s the deal? Were we set up? Should I call her out on it?
Dear Soccer Sucker,
Why, what we have here is a simple misunderstanding! See, I’m assuming that what the Team Mom had in mind is that the team parents would alternate snacks with some parents being asked to bring the scorned and dreaded healthful snacks while the favored parents being awarded the gift of bringing snacks that the children will actually eat and rejoice about.
Guess which category you fell into?
What to do?
The mature solution would be some kind of combination of laughing if off, ignoring it or talking to her in a civilized manner using phrases like “I am confused” and “Perhaps you can clear the snack policy up for me.”
People swear by those methods, and if that’s what you elect, I can’t stop you.
But I can warn you that the bitch tried to take you and your daughter down and you have to retaliate. Because you may be a grown up, but your daughter has to live out the rest of the season with the stigma that her mother, her own mother, brought sliced fruit as a snack.
Find out whose snack turn it is next week, and ask them if you can bring the snack instead. You’ll be amazed at how generous parents can be in letting you take their snack day. And then go all out. Make those Rice Krispie Treats and Capri Suns look like tofu bits and mother’s milk in comparison. I’m talking donut holes, glazed bacon bites, and apple juice (ask your dentist about apple juice. Point made.)
Serve it with pride and dare Team Mom to make a peep. And if she does, feel free to have that adult conversation, complete with adult phrases.
That’ll teach her to mind screw with you snack-wise.
Disclaimer: I’m a little sensitive about this subject because I was conned into bringing organic baby carrots and broccoli florets to my son’s first T-ball game. I still wake up in a sweat at the memory. Or maybe that’s menopause.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The other day I looked in my husband’s wallet to see if he had any cash. In the past I’ve asked him before I looked and he would then give me a “kind” amount. He wasn’t awake this time, so I “borrowed” $4.00. He did have more, but I only needed the $4 for the kids’ lunch money. When my husband got home from work, here’s how the conversation went…
Husband: “Did you take money out of my wallet?”
Me: “Yes. It was only $4.00.”
Husband: “You stole from me. You’re being a bad example to our kids. You’re teaching them how to steal.”
Me: “First of all, the kids were not around when I “stole” from your wallet. Second of all, it was $4.00! I’ll pay you back!”
My question is do wives have the right to look in their husband’s wallet and “borrow” money? Or should we always ask permission first?
I’m Not a Thief
Dear Not a Thief,
Hell no we don’t have the right to “borrow” money. We have the right to TAKE money. I don’t know what state you reside in, but in my state I have a legal right to half. That means I could take half of whatever is in his wallet (not just $4) and the cops can’t do anything about it. In fact, since we aren’t divorcing I’m pretty sure I could take everything in his wallet and the cops still can’t do anything about it. So none of this “stealing” business, please. Can you imagine a cop’s response to that 911 call?
911, state your emergency
Yes! My wife took all of my money out of my wallet!
Sir, go to the ATM and get more.
Look, taking money out of our husband’s wallet is one of the two benefits of marriage for women. It’s certainly not the extra laundry, the dirty socks on the floor and the extra seven hours per week of housework we gain upon marriage. It’s having someone to complain to and taking money out of their wallet. Why else do they think we listen to them fart when they pee?
So yes, in my book, we have a right to look in our husband’s wallet and take money, though I must make a disclaimer: when my aunt did this very thing, she discovered condoms in her husband’s wallet – birth control they didn’t need or use together. Oops.
Of course, it’s good marriage manners to ask first, or at least let them know we took it. It’s that whole Golden Rule thing. I would hate to go to pay for my pedicure and not know I’m $4 short. Then again, I’d hate to not know my husband is carrying around condoms if I’ve had my tubes tied, so maybe in this case we should just forget The Golden Rule.
Today my good friend, who is a trifecta of smart, funny and gorgeous is guest posting for The Mouthy Housewives. It’s a good thing that I’m a big hearted person, not prone to petty jealousy. So if you like funny, smart writing, please check out Annie’s blog, Lost in the Chaos. -Marinka (the big-hearted).
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I are fundamentally different in just about every aspect of our personalities. We rarely see eye to eye about anything (makes for some FUN times, let me tell ya). One thing that drives us crazy about each other is that I think he’ll find the absolute hardest, most complex way to do something, where he thinks I take the easy way out every time. I don’t. I just don’t see the point in making something harder than it is. For example, if we’re in the same room and you ask me to come over to you, chances are I’ll scooch my chair over (you know, so I have a place to sit when I get there, NOT because I’m lazy). Him? He’ll leave the room, go downstairs, go out the front door, get in his car, drive around the block, come back, park the car, get out, come back upstairs, and then walk over to where you’re sitting. Now, which way makes sense to you? What is he trying to prove, and how can I get him to stop making things so difficult?
So Not From Mars
Dear Not Martian,
I’m a guest here, but don’t worry, they didn’t stick you with one of those women who thinks marriage is all su nshine, roses and rainbows shooting from my beloved’s posterior. I’ve been married 17 years to a total left brainiac, so I know a little about different ways of thinking. Marriage can be hard. Turning our spouses into exact replicas of ourselves is even harder, so don’t even try it. I can’t imagine why you’d want to.
Sure life might be easier if we never had to try to prove how right we are. My husband would get lost 9 times out 10 if I wasn’t backseat driving – he loves that! He takes FOREVER to read all the fine print on directions. I ignore directions and just get things done. His attention to little details can drive me insane, but since he’s also managed to get himself a Ph.D. in analytical chemistry, there must be some method to his madness. I have a BS in Marketing – emphasis on the BS. I’m sure there’s a lesson in there somewhere.
I say make the best of your differences. It’s worth the effort. If he’s going to take an hour driving around the block to find his way across the room to you, have a glass of wine or get some reading time in. Better yet, draw him a treasure map with porn at the end. That’ll light a fire under his rainbow-less ass! I don’t think he’s trying to make things difficult for you so much as he’s trying to prove he’s right just as much as you are. All that proving each other wrong can be exhausting!
I’m sure I’ll sound like somebody’s mom or grandmother when I say marriage really is about compromise. Or if you’re not buying that, my ever brilliant husband once said: “Sometimes you just have to accept it and move on.” I’m sure he pissed me off at the time (I may have been ranting about one of his family members), but in the end it pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it?
Annie, Guest TMH