23 Jul
Mouthy Housewives Tip of the Week!

Bonus tip! When you are filming sage advice, why not enlist your young child to do the camera work? My 8 year old used the JVC HD Everio to make this vlog. A big thank you to JVC, a sponsor of the Mouthy Housewives BlogHer 2010 Party in NYC!

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22 Jul
Help, I May Have Married a Jerk

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and have 3 kids together. He works 2 jobs (one he works 4 nights a week, the other only 1-3 night) and I stay home with the kids. My problem is that we are not connecting like we did when we first got married. He comes home 3 hours after work, jumps on the computer to play World of Warcraft or watch porn when no one is around. He does this until his bedtime and then off to work again.

I get no help with the cooking, the kids, or cleaning, and he’s no longer affectionate. I feel like I have a roommate not a husband. Sometimes I just want to walk away. I don’t know if I’m wrong for feeling this way and or what to do. Please help.

Signed,
No Help and Alone

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Dear No Help and Alone,

I assume you are point blank asking him for help as opposed to relying on your powers of telepathy? See, it takes a powerfully talented woman to control others with our mind. We’re a rare breed so for the majority of the female population, you actually have to use words to express what you want.

Another important and crucial step is to determine before marriage whether your man is a stupid jerk. (It may be too late for you, I don’t know.) This is where many women go wrong. They marry a stupid jerk and then wonder why he acts like a stupid jerk. I don’t know what to say to these women, because, duh.

However, if he isn’t a stupid jerk and you aren’t connecting like you did when you first married, then let me be the first to welcome you to real life with kids. It is harder to stay connected as a couple when you have kids. That’s just part of the game. But what makes it even harder is having a spouse who doesn’t help at all with your life at home.

Some men have stuck in their heads (probably from watching too many Brady Bunch reruns as a kid) that they go to work and their job is done, there are no other responsibilities in life. And I guess that could be true. For husbands who do not want to have sex.

Let’s forget about telepathic powers, that’s not where a woman’s power lies. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about, and it never ceases to amaze me the number of women who underutilize this power. This isn’t about passive-aggressive behavior on our part. This is about logic. It is ridiculous (and disrespectful) to expect the wife to take care of everything. In fact, the only other ingrates that operate on this assumption are our children. So your husband is treating you like his mother. Do you know what is NOT acceptable in our society? Having sex with your mother.

So, basically, if your husband takes you for granted like his mother, you aren’t allowed to have sex with him, the end.

Signed,
Heather, TMH

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21 Jul
My Landlord is a Jerk. And He’s Also My Husband.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m a doctoral student who moved into my husband’s house (that he had owned for 10+ years prior to meeting me) when we got engaged a year and a half ago. We’ve now been married nine months. My income is from my meager stipend and part time work when it’s available.

I currently write my husband a check once a month for a little less than half of the monthly bills (including the mortgage). My problem is that I really don’t feel like this is my home. It doesn’t help that when he (unintentionally) refers to things as “his” house/room/garage and refers to my check to him as “rent.”

He wants to keep things as they are for now, and then when he pays off a specific loan, we could start using our joint account to pay bills.   I feel bad because I’ve walked into a lovely house that I didn’t pay for and now I pay less than half of the bills. But it still feels really crummy to feel like there’s no home to call my own. When I try to explain this to my husband, he gets upset and points out that I haven’t paid for the house! Please help!

Signed,

Am I Paying Down My Dowry?

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Dear Dowry,

Sounds like your landlord is sort of self centered and not really accommodating. When your lease is up, I would totally find a new rental. Oh, wait. You can’t. Because this is your HUSBAND.

You feel bad?! Seriously? Because he bought the house? Over 10 years ago? Listen, I brought a Jeep Cherokee into the relationship with my husband and you don’t see me holding that 1999 beauty over his head. Once upon a time, your husband bought a house. And then you two got married. And now it’s YOUR house too. And he needs to start acting like it.

He should immediately stop calling it “his” house. If he refuses or doesn’t get why you’re upset, then go out and buy the most awesome Wii games out there and call them “yours.” Make him ask permission each time he wants to play. He’ll start to understand.

I think when couples get married, it just makes sense to pool one’s resources and have a joint checking account in order to avoid this kind of situation. But some couples are more like Brad and Angelina and prefer to keep their riches separate. And I’m certainly not going to judge another woman for having a slush fund for Jimmy Choos.   But whatever arrangement is made, the husband and wife must both feel good about it. You shouldn’t feel like you’re living in someone else’s house.

So sit your husband down, tell him the current situation is not working for you, make no apologies about it and work on finding a solution.   I would also recommend making a few design changes to the home to make the house feel more like you. (I’d start with tossing out the Jamaican spring break shot glasses and that bean bag chair.)

Good luck to you.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

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20 Jul
Home Alone

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

For the past few weeks, I’ve been going to a 6 a.m. yoga class. I just became friendly with one of the other attendees, a mom in my neighborhood, and she recently told me that she often comes to class when her husband’s out of town—which means she’s leaving her small children home alone.

I know her house isn’t far from the yoga studio, but this really horrifies me. I told her I don’t think that’s the right thing to do, but I don’t know her very well. And if I “turn her in,” she’ll know it was me because she hasn’t told anyone else she does that.

Signed,

Om Um

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Dear Om Um,

This is exactly why exercise is so dangerous.  First you’re stretching and Downward Dogging and the next thing you know, you’re in the middle of a Moral Dilemma involving small, innocent children.  Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to skip the whole thing and sleep in?

You don’t say how old the children are, but I’m assuming that they’re under 13 (and no, adding their ages together to get to the age of majority doesn’t count). There’s an unspoken rule in the mommy community that we should respect each other’s choices even when we don’t understand them or agree with them.  The caveat, of course, is when someone’s choice is putting her child in danger you should intervene.  And I think that leaving young kids unattended is dangerous.

So should you speak up, or look the other way?

I’m guessing that looking the other way is not an option for you, because you are pre-haunted with the images of young children scared and helpless, crying for their mother while she’s all bendy at yoga.  And because you’re not insane.

So you have no choice.

And short of turning her in to the heat, you have to have it out with her.

Tell her a few horror stories of the terrible things that happened to children left home alone.  (And feel free to look beyond Macauley Culkin!)  Tell her how dangerous it is.  And if you’re really at a loss for words, tell her that my mama thinks that she’s an idiot.  Because in addition to the parade of horribles that you’ve imagined, mama thinks it’s entirely possible that the kids can knife each other in some kind of a junior re-enactment of West Side Story.

Besides, everyone knows that when your husband is away, it’s the perfect time to sleep in and skip the workout!

Good luck!

Marinka, TMH

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19 Jul
The Party Pooper

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

One of my girlfriends is constantly having “house parties.” You know the ones—you   go to someone’s house and they proposition you to buy stuff that you don’t need and really don’t want for exorbitant prices?

Well, at first it was kind of fun because we all have kids the same age and it was nice to get out and do girl stuff, but now it is just annoying. I’m not talking a party or two each year—she has a party at least every month. I don’t want to buy that stuff and, quite frankly, can’t afford it with our one income family. I’ve told her such, but she is just so pushy! I’m on the verge of filing for witness protection and getting the heck out of Dodge. How can I get out of these invites without completely ruining our friendship?

Signed,

Too Much Tupperware

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Dear Too Much Tupperware,

Ah, the neighborhood sales party. It’s a scourge that’s been around since pretty much forever. I think even Cavewoman Joan knew that if she invited Cavewoman Peggy over to her split-level, um, cave and plied her with cheap white wine, she’d earn a 10% commission on whatever stone cookware she talked her friend into ordering. Unfortunately, the only way Cavewoman Peggy could escape was by yelling, “My ride’s here!” when her husband came to give her a drag home, but luckily, you have a few more options.

Option #1: Buy, Buy, Buy!

No matter what kind of crap your friend is pushing, just whip out your pen and fill out that order form. Soon your house will be filled with scented candles, one-of-a-kind dinner plates, stacks of eyeshadow and really trashy lingerie. (Which, sidenote, will make your house a lot like Cher’s.) Simply do this for a few months and in no time at all, you’ll have an iron clad excuse for missing her next party: bankruptcy!

Option #2: Sell, Sell, Sell!

That’s right, I said “sell.” After all, where would McDonald’s be without Burger King nipping at its greasy heels? What your friend needs is a competitor, so it’s high time you went into the home party bidness, too. If she’s selling jewelry on Tuesday, then you sell SHINIER jewelry on Monday. If she sells ugly figurines at 7 p.m., then you sell even UGLIER figurines at 6 p.m. If she sells big, purple “personal massagers” next week, then you sell even bigger…well, you get the idea. Make it so hard for her to throw parties that she just stops altogether!

Option #3: Make yourself unwelcome

Not hard to do, but best when done with a subtle touch. The next time you’re at her home with a group of women, simply put one or all of these lines into your repertoire: “Oh, my God, you still have that couch?” or “Wow–whoever cleaned up your kitchen after that meth explosion sure did a fabulous job!” or “Hey, everyone—I think congratulations are in order because for the first time in three years, I didn’t see any herpes cream in the medicine cabinet! Our hostess is finally STD free!”

(That last one has kept me off invite lists since 1988.)

Of course, you could just try the direct route again and say, “I”ll be your friend, but not your customer, so please don’t invite me to any more parties.” Hopefully it’ll be the last order you ever have to give her.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

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