24 Jun
Help Me Turn My Husband OFF

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband is at me ALL THE TIME to get it on. I cannot walk from the shower to my room wrapped in a towel anymore for fear of being jumped. He is totally out of control. By day he is a boring suit, but even when I suggest I have the chafe or a boil on my butt, nothing stops him from pestering the crap out of me. I think I am going to get a night job. Surely my sisters in the USA have a bit of advice for a sufferer from down under?

Best Wishes,


Mrs. Woog

P.S. He is out this evening; it is my version of a stay of execution.

P.P.S. I am not 22 and perky. I am 36 and saggy.

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Dear Mrs. Woog,

I’m sorry to hear your husband frequently overdoses on Viagra. It must be a difficult way to live. Surely they have support groups for that? I mean, they have a hair club for bald men. There must be one for men with frequent and long-lasting boners.

Now, while you search for a local chapter of Flaccid Friends, I have a few practical yet world-shattering suggestions for turning off your husband. For beginners, stop walking from the shower to your room in just a towel. Are you insane? Any married woman who does that is just asking for trouble. Walk from the shower to your room dressed as your mother-in-law instead. Best sex repellent ever.

Also, stop lying to your husband. He knows you don’t have “the chafe” (What is that? We don’t have it in America) or a boil on your butt. I suggest you contract ringworm on your butt. He may not believe you even then (after all of the lying), but he’ll damn sure believe you from then on!

Or you could simply call out another man’s name during sex. I say man’s name, because if you called out a woman’s name, that would have the opposite affect and turn him on even more.

Take these suggestions and you’re guaranteed to spend many sexless nights in the future just like most normal women in their mid-thirties!

Signed,

Heather, TMH

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23 Jun
Tattoos are Not Wedding Appropriate

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I want to include my 3 sisters in my wedding as bridesmaids. The problem is I don’t really get along with one of them. I thought I could get over it and just let her do it anyway to avoid family problems, but she just got the UGLIEST tattoo on her right arm, which would be really hard to cover up. I really don’t want her to be in the wedding now. It is shallow, but I don’t want her tattoo (of Insane Clown Posse Juggalo ax murderer guy) to ruin my pictures.

We already don’t get a long (AT ALL) and she lives a few states away. I don’t know if it is ok to include my other 2 sisters and not her. I don’t want to damage things between us anymore but now I really don’t think I can be ok with her being a part of my wedding… How do I deal with this?!

Signed,

I Wish I Only Had Two Sisters

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Dear I Wish,

I just booked you and your fiancé a flight to Las Vegas. An Elvis impersonator will marry you at the Avoid Family Drama Wedding Chapel and you can party the night away with Celine Dion, far from the Insane Clown Posse or their fans. Problem solved.   Well, except that you’ll still have three sisters and now all three of them will be pissed that they weren’t bridesmaids.

This is what I hate about weddings. We spend our entire life cleverly sweeping family problems under the rug and then a stupid wedding brings out all the dysfunction in one mighty swoop. It can be a lot to handle – especially for the bride.

But remember, when it comes to a wedding, you can never undo the decisions you make. You leave your loud mouthed Aunt Helen off the guest list and you’ll feel a tinge of regret every time she calls to sing you Happy Birthday. You choose aqua colored floor length bridesmaid dresses, your maid of honor will always remind you that it clashed with everyone’s skin tones. So you have to make your bridal decisions carefully.

I understand your sister is not your favorite person but you must ask her to be a bridesmaid. It will cause so much family upset to leave her out.   You don’t have to love her, but you do have to include her. Of course, if she has ever slept with your fiancé or she’s a serial killer, then you’re off the hook. But if neither of these exceptions apply, she must be in the wedding party.

As for the hideous tattoo, hire a make-up artist who is skilled at covering such things up. Or have your sister wear a long sleeve dress.   And then forget about it. This is your day to focus on your husband-to-be and your life together and no one can take that away from you.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

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22 Jun
Did Cinderella Give Her Fairy Godmother a Gift Card?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am going to have my first child in July and my girlfriend is throwing me a baby shower. Both my best friend and the friend that is throwing the shower are going to be my child’s Godmother. Is it customary to buy the Godmothers a gift?

Signed,

Ready to Pop

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Dear Ready to Pop,

First of all, congratulations on your impending motherhood! Even though it’s been a few years for me, I still remember my pregnancy days very fondly. The swollen ankles, the gigantic badonkadonk, the weird strangers sticking their grimy paws on my belly and screaming, “Wow! You’re huge, lady! Whaddya got in there—the Harlem Globetrotters? Better order your SlimFasts by THE CASE, chubs!” Oh, it was just magical.

But I digress.

Now, per your question, you’re obviously the type of person who really cares about doing nice things for others. And this is good news, my dear, because in just about four weeks, all you’re going to be doing is nice things for that little bundle of joy currently crunking on your cervix. Yep, you’ll be doing all sorts of nice things like nursing, swaddling, burping and ducking for cover when the explosive diarrhea starts flying fast and furious. (Mom tip: Do not feed Texas BBQ to newborns.)

But while it’s very considerate of you to want to get these ladies Godmother gifts now, I believe that most people usually wait to do this until the actual christening of the child. At that time, you can happily give them each something very meaningful and timeless. Something that truly reflects their sacred vow to raise your baby in accordance with the church’s teachings. Something like this, for example:


Foxy AND holy! What a combo!

Anyway, my advice is to just sit tight on the Godmother presents for now (unless you’re dying to get them something), and instead give them each a little nicety to thank them for the baby shower and the pregnancy support. A bouquet of flowers, a pretty picture frame, an autographed 8 x 10 of a hot teenage vampire sucking on a virgin’s neck—I’m sure anything like that would be very much appreciated.

Now stop worrying about them for a minute and give yourself a present: for the next few weeks, sleep in, load up on ice cream, get a massage, and just sprawl on the couch in your underwear watching bad Freddie Prinze Jr. movies. You’ll thank yourself later.

Good luck!

Wendi, TMH

There’s still time left to enter our book giveaway! To win Amy Wilson’s “How Did I Get Like This,” click here!

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21 Jun
We Are in Wove!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am in my mid 20s and have been with my boyfriend for four years. I am not really ashamed to say that we are one of those disgustingly cute couples that cause many prebubescent children to screw up their noses and go “yuk.”   We do it all. From whole conversations on the topic of “I love you,” to talking about all our thoughts and feelings, to discussing our future plans together, and on top of all that, we consider ourselves best friends.

We practically live together and both of us do almost equal amounts around the house (if anything I’m the lazy one, not him). We are also thinking about getting married soon. I love TMH, but after reading about the various relationships that you and many of the people who write in have with their husbands,  I wonder how long this stage of our relationship will last. I know we won’t be all lovey dovey forever because relationships change, but I can hope that we won’t lose that spark completely. It’s been four years, so that’s a good sign… right?

Signed,

Lovey Dovey

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Dear Lovey,

Ah, young love.  You gaze into each others eyes, proclaim your love, unload the dishwasher while dancing to The Big Chill soundtrack and fall asleep in an embrace. Let me guess, you call sex “making love,” don’t you? I’ve read about couples like you, and seen you on TV, but to find a real live breathing one in the wild?  What a catch!

You ask if the magic will last. I so want to reassure you that it will; that you will continue to nauseate young people everywhere for the rest of your lives with your googly eyes and your hand holding, but I can’t.  Because the state of your relationship is up to you.  And him.  And how you handle whatever life throws at you.  Will you roll your eyes when he tells his favorite humorless joke for the fiftieth time?  Will he snap at you when you shrink his favorite shirt in the laundry?  Every day will give you fresh and exciting opportunities to become annoyed and estranged from each other and it will be up to you to remember the love, the passion and the fact that he does most of the housework.  Are you up for it?  And if you have children, be prepared to be up for it while exhausted and drained and going out of your mind.

And take it easy on us old-timers.  Sure we complain about our husbands, whine about the housework and the kids, but that doesn’t mean that we forgot about the spark that started it all. If you look closely enough, we can nauseate the unsuspecting with the best of them!

Sincerely,

Marinka, TMH

There’s still time left to enter our book giveaway! To win Amy Wilson’s “How Did I Get Like This,” click here!

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18 Jun
I’d Rather Join the FBI Than the PTA

It’s Guest Post Friday everyone! Today we’re thrilled to welcome Amy Wilson, the author of the new book When Did I Get Like This? and star of the off-Broadway hit Mother Load. Amy is a very accomplished writer, actress and mother and she’s also super funny. Plus we suspect she’s quite a wonderful person, too, because she’s giving away two copies of her book to a lucky reader! Yay!

Just leave a comment on this post letting us know a way to hide from the PTA and we’ll enter you in our drawing to win. Then please go check out motherloadtheblog.com and amywilson.com. Thanks, Amy!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I made a very huge mistake last year and fear I can never, ever get out of it short of moving or death. You see, I decided to become active in a militant group more popularly known as the PTA. They insist on blood (really), sweat (so unattractive) and tears (usually caused by the meanest of mean girl that can be found outside of a high school).

After realizing “These women are scary,” I quit and now they won’t go away. They stalk my Facebook, watch my tweets and even wait until I post something on my blog so they can then try to decipher hidden meanings in it that they think they can use to bring me down.

Do you think I have to change my name, move and join the witness protection program or is there another way to make these meanie moms go away? I tried a Roach Motel and Pest Control, but I am pretty sure they could even survive a nuclear war along with the roaches and Wall-E.

Signed,

If I Wanted to Play High School Games, It Wouldn’t Be Mean Girls; It’d Involve a Cheerleading Outfit & My Husband

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Dear If I Wanted,

It is so true that when our kids go back to school, we do also– and, for better and worse, we have a real possibility of a do-over, a chance to sit at a different lunch table. Unlike our own high school experiences, where the rules for who sat at the Mean Girls’ table were as inscrutable as they were ironclad, the rules for being part of the “in” crowd among school parents seem pretty simple. Like Marcia Brady, all one need do is sign oneself up.  It sounds like that was your plan last year. But now that you’ve realized the Pretty Terrifying Absolutists are not really your style, did you really think you could just walk away? What were you thinking? They’ll cut a bitch.

Here’s what you need to understand: you cannot break up with a stalker, or else they’ll stalk you. You have to get them to break up with YOU, if they’re ever going to leave you alone. In your case, the best way to do this– stay with me, here– is to actually rejoin the PTA, but on the lowest-rung committee you can find. The Semiannual Coaches’ Appreciation Breakfast? The used pencils drive for the less fortunate (or less pencil-owning?) Pretend you’ve seen the light. Get back in- just a little bit. Then, be so lame at your lowly task that someone else has to step in and pick up the slack for you. Once they realize you are apparently so dim you don’t even know how to photocopy, they’ll dump your ass, and go after some sweet, unsuspecting pre-K mom. And sure, you could warn her.

But in a world this cutthroat, you gotta look out for yourself.

Sincerely,

Amy Wilson, Guest TMH

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