30 Jun
Not Knocked Up

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I had a baby six months ago but I have yet to shed all my baby weight.   Not only do I feel lousy about my body but at least once a week, some idiot asks, “So when are you due?”   I practically walk away in tears. What is the proper response to this question?

Signed,

I Already Had the Baby Dumb Ass

______________________

Dear I.A.H.T.B.D.A,

I will never understand how a person has the balls to walk up to a woman who is in all likelihood a bit bloated from three Diet Cokes and 6 Cadbury Creme Eggs and wishes her a big ole congrats on her pregnancy. Having just given birth myself, I too have been subjected to such humiliation.

Taking off baby weight is not easy. For some reason, breast feeding has never sucked off the pounds the way every supermodel promises. But maybe Gisele Bundchen and Heidi Klum don’t start their days with two chocolate croissants and end them with huge bowls of chocolate double fudge ice cream like I do.

There is really no way to stop people from asking this asinine question. And once they realize you’re not pregnant, they probably feel worse then you do. Still, you need a proper response. So when someone asks when you are due, just say, “In December. And I’m registered at Pottery Barn. I’d love it if you’d buy me the Kendall Nursing Collection. You’re a real darling to buy me such a generous gift.” And then walk away.

Good luck taking off the baby weight. I heard something about exercise and carrot sticks working wonders but I have yet to try this myself. I’m still hoping chocolate croissants do the trick.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

13 Comments <-- Click to comment

29 Jun
SWF Seeks BFF—ASAP

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I moved to a new city a couple of years ago and have yet to make many social connections here. I don’t have an office job (I’m on the road quite a bit), so I can’t meet others that way and the city I moved to seems very cliquish. I’m beginning to feel lonely and would like to have a close girlfriend or three to have fun with. How do adult women go about making friends?

Signed,

Feeling Friendless

_____________________________________________

Dear Feeling Friendless,

If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone in your dilemma. In fact, Kelcey did a fabulous job of answering a similar question a while back and you can find that here. (And I don’t know for sure, but I think that advice seeker now has more friends than Tila Tequila and Ashton Kutcher combined. Kelcey’s that good.)

I definitely feel your pain in making new friends, however the part of your letter that tripped me up was when you said that your new city seems “cliquish.” Does this mean that they all sit together at the same lunch table? Or only talk to you if you date a football player? Or are they all Amish and the reason they don’t like you is because you have air conditioning and hate riding a goat to the mall? V. confused.

But here’s the thing: it’s never easy being the new girl in town, but you’re going to have to really put yourself out there if you want to find a bestie. Join a gym, volunteer, take a cooking class, check out the local city guides, magazines and websites for anything that sounds even remotely interesting. And then show up with a big, happy smile on your face and talk to anyone that moves. This is what we in the advice business call the “throwing sh*t against the wall and see what sticks” approach.

Are you going to meet some jerks? Yep. Some people who don’t want a new friend? Sure. But I know you’re eventually going to meet the Miranda to your Carrie, too. (But stop before you meet the Samantha to your Carrie because she was just too damn weird in the last movie. Yams? Really?) And then, Feeling Friendless, you’re probably going to have to change your name.

Good luck!

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

6 Comments <-- Click to comment

28 Jun
BlogHer or Bust!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been stressing and planning and finally booked my ticket to BlogHer 2010 in NYC. I’m ready to meet some fabulous women, and network and learn and have fun, and have dinner with super cool ladies… and of course, SHOP.

BlogHer is 6 weeks away and my excitement levels are growing, but now, out of nowhere, one of my closest friends informed me that our group (since birth) of best friends are planning a trip to NYC two weeks after BlogHer! And? They’re begging me to join them. Which means, it’s BlogHer OR NYC with BF’s for me. I can’t do both. I can’t leave my 2 little boys (2 and 4) twice in one month.

I don’t know which trip to go on! BlogHer. Or with my friends. My friends will always be there. They’ll forgive me if I don’t join them. But BlogHer in NYC? Seems perfect. I love my blog and I think this is the year for me to go to BlogHer. I feel like I might regret not going if I don’t go. But my best friends and the laughs and the late night chats… I AM TORN! HELP ME!

Sincerely,

Stressed to the Max Loulou

______________________________________

Dear Stressed,

According to the Cannon of Ethics Rules of Advice Mavens, I should recuse myself from answering this question because of a conflict of interest.  Because I know that I am one of the super cool ladies that you were planning to dine with, so how can I be impartial, right?

Fortunately for me (and the boys I knew in high school)  I am not very ethical, so I’m going to give it to you straight: Your friends suck.

I know, I know, you’ve been friends from birth and they are your besties, but still. Suck.  A lot.

Because what kind of friends “inform” you that you’re all going to NYC on a certain date? Don’t they know that part of the excitement of a girls’ weekend away is planning for the girls’ weekend away?  Did you ever wonder why they decided to exclude you from that?  Well, wonder no more.  It’s because they want to deprive you of happiness.

The happiness of BlogHer.  The happiness of bonding with the bloggers that you’ve grown to love.  And the happiness of paying for their dinner.

You should end all contact with them immediately, come to BlogHer and make new and better friends.

Or, you could bring your kids and husband along for the ride on one of the two trips.   I heard that there are things in NYC for kids to do.

See you in August!

Love,

Marinka, TMH

9 Comments <-- Click to comment

26 Jun
Seal Of Approval

Hooray, it’s our first Mouthy Housewives Seal of Approval of the summer!

In case you haven’t heard about it on all of the major media outlets, we bestow our (almost, sort of, OK not really) coveted SOA upon a post that we think is so incredible, it needs to be shared with our readers. We’re sweet that way.

Today that post is “Swimsuit Edition” by the wonderful Jennifer at These Are Days. If you have a daughter or if you’ve ever put on a swimsuit, you’re going to really love what she has to say. We sure did.

Congratulations, Jennifer! We think you (and your knees) are fabulous.

3 Comments <-- Click to comment

25 Jun
Speech Therapy is Not for Mocking

I’ve been a fan of Melissa Chapman for approximately forever, so I was delighted when she agreed to step into The Mouthy Housewife stilettos and give guest advice.  Don’t forget to check out Melissa’s parenting blog and follow her on Twitter, too! – Marinka, Mouthy Housewife (Extraordinaire)

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I need advice on handling my father around my school-age daughter. She is currently in speech therapy, yet my dad (her grandfather) mocks her speech deficiencies. He does this by talking back at her with “baby” talk. He is being a total jerk-face, though he sees no harm in what he’s doing, (he thinks he’s being funny.) I’ve told him to stop, I’ve gotten angry at him and let him know, but he hasn’t stopped. What do I do?

Signed, Mama Bear

__________________________________________________________
Dear MamaBear,

Well, it would seem as if you’re smack in the middle of a pretty sticky situation, but nothing that a Mouthy Housewife can’t handle. Since I come from the school that says you shouldn’t let anger well up inside of you until it morphs into a something even more unpleasant, I say it’s time you sit your pops down and have a nice, respectful heart-to-heart. (Out of your daughter’s ear shot, of course.) While he may think his jokes are harmless, as a woman, you know how tender and malleable a little girl’s sense of self can be. And therefore, there is no way you can just sit back and let him continue to make jabs at her.

I know confrontation is hard, but it’s a lot cheaper than shelling out $150 an hour for your daughter’s psychoanalysis which she will most certainly need after years of bring belittled by her grandpa. Or even worse—she could embark on a life-long mission to recapture her unrequited need for approval from distinguished older gentlemen and then end up with a major daddy complex. And that’s going to be tough considering Larry King’s dance card is already full.

If after you’ve had a little tête-à-tête with your dad and broken down exactly what he shouldn’t be doing vs. what you’d like him to do it’s still a no-go, tell him that, unless he’s willing to transfer a substantial sum of money into your bank account to offset your daughter’s future therapy bills,   he’s no longer welcome in your house. Hit him where it hurts and I guarantee he’ll get the message loud and clear.

Best wishes,

Melissa, Guest TMH

6 Comments <-- Click to comment