22 May
Oh, Baby, Do We Have News!

Here at The Mouthy  Housewives, we take our weekends very seriously.   It’s our time to rest, relax and count down the minutes until Monday morning comes and takes our little angels to school.  Except one of us, ahem, hasn’t quite gotten a hang of this relaxation thing.  Because instead of getting a Friday evening pedicure and Cosmo to start the unwinding after a long week, our sister Mouthy Housewife Kelcey, decided to instead give birth to twins.  Yes, twins.  Baby twins. Yowza!

We are so happy, proud and excited for Kelcey, as well as her husband Rick, her daughters Dylan and Summer and her new twin boy and twin girl (who we really hope she names “Luke and Leia.”) We’re so proud, in fact, that the three of us non-birthing Housewives handed out cigars at the playground until a mean policeman made us stop due to some “regulations” about children under 5 smoking. Whatev—we’re still pretty damn happy.

For all of the beautiful details straight from Kelcey—who was somehow able to blog immediately after giving birth because she had her laptop in the delivery room—go check out mamabirddiaries.com.

Congratulations, Kelcey! We all love you and can’t wait to see pictures of those beautiful little babies! We hope they look just like us!

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21 May
Would It Kill You To Thank Me?

Welcome to Guest Mouthy Housewife Friday!

Today  the lovely Karen from The French Skinny Experiment stopped by for a friendly chat about manners. The French Skinny Experiment is about Karen’s friend who went to France and lost all this weight while eating delicious French food.  Karen is following her lead, by eating the same things, but in California.  If it works, we can try it in other states as well, and soon there will be no reason at all to go to Paris!  Imagine the savings!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I was wondering if you could help me out with a peeve I have. Is a thank you note a thing of the past? I love to remember the grandkids birthdays, and special occasions but the majority of times I don’t even know if it gets to them let alone if they enjoy the gift or $$. In this day and age – we know they have all the latest phones, computers. They e-mail all their ‘friends’ and have unlimited minutes on their phones – it just boggles my mind that they can’t say Thanks. I even went so far as to include really sweet thank you cards in with their Christmas gifts, but no acknowledgement there either. Maybe it’s me – old fashioned, but where did proper manners go? Part of me wants to just send a card on their next birthdays ~ they can check and recheck the inside/outside for what’s missing. I wonder if they’ll  call to see just where the $$ is? I do love to give, and there’s never any strings attached – but JEEZ! Is this truly a generation of entitled twits?

Signed,

Forgotten Grandma

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Dear Sweet Forgotten Grandma,

So, for your thoughtful gifts, cards and cash you want to be acknowledged? That’s crazy! It’s really hard lifting that pen! How does the postal service work? How much are stamps? Sheesh, let’s just call you High Maintenance Grandma!

I’m afraid that very soon we will see thank you cards on display in a museum along with vinyl records, pay phones, and handkerchiefs. And that’s just WRONG! I only have one friend that actually sends me thank you notes. Why does she? In her words “My mom’s from Texas and she sat on my head until the thank you notes were drilled into my brain like a trained monkey.”

So for this question I conferred with the highest possible expert. My Momma AKA Grandma Dee: Mother of 5, Grandmother of 10, Great Grandmother of 4.

A few years ago she had this EXACT dilemma. She was so fed up she stopped sending all cards, gifts and cash. This caused such a storm it turned into a hurricane and she was subsequently blamed for the beginning of global warming. The calls came flying in. “How are you Grandma? Is everything okay Grandma? Haven’t heard from you Grandma!”

She started sending the gifts again. The calls continued for a while but now it’s back to the way it used to be. As Grandma Dee said, “I just decided to let it go.”

You are too wonderful to be blamed for global warming. Your Grandkids love and appreciate your thoughtful gifts and cash. Just let it go. And hopefully they will have a shame spiral that sits on their backs forever.

And may I say, Thank You!

Karen, Guest TMH

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20 May
I Don’t Want To Be On A Blog. But I’ll Write To A Blog For Advice.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

We plan to spend a week at the beach with my entire family. This would be a blast, except for this one little problem: my brother-in-law has a blog.

His blog is mostly of my nieces and nephews (pictures and videos included,) but if you are around them, he expects you to be okay with the documentation. I’m not, and do not want my or my children’s picture/video on the Internet. I’m a very private person.

When I tried to say something, my brother-in-law blew it off saying “In THIS family we document everything.” What can I say to make him understand I don’t agree with him documenting every aspect of his children’s lives? And of course, allowing my family the privacy I feel we need.

We all know the Internet is forever. It would be really easy for a predator to find his family or kids because of his blog. This is absolutely frightening to me.

Signed,

Scared in Ohio

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Dear Scared in Ohio,

You realize you have written this question to bloggers, right? This fear of a blog is hard for me to comprehend. I will have to pretend I’m an alien (like Lady Gaga) so I can understand your point of view.

Do you ever wonder when man first began chiseling words into stone tablets, whether people freaked out, saying words in stone are forever? Surely this is something to fear! Look at Moses; he smashed the chiseled stone tablets, only God commanded him to make a second set so it would last forever. Fast-forward 2000 years and the Chinese are the pissed off Moses, and Google is the first set of stone tablets.

The moral of the story? I shouldn’t drink and tell bible stories at the same time. Err, I mean the moral is the Internet is still here just like the Ten Commandments, despite China trying to destroy it. When you look at it that way, it’s like God wants us on the Internet. So stop being scared, this Internet thing is going to work out for the best.

Sunday school lessons and wine glass aside let’s get practical. What can you say to make your brother-in-law understand you don’t agree with him blogging about his children? I have a suggestion that rings with truth due to its simplicity: “I don’t agree with you blogging about your children.”

You can say it, but it doesn’t mean your brother-in-law must stop. So you disagree. I disagree with my cat throwing up hairballs in the hall for everyone to see, but she keeps doing it. Accept his blogging of his immediate family as his business.

And as far as predators, I don’t think blogging raises your niece and nephew’s chance of being eaten by a tiger. It’s not like tigers are computer-literate.

However, when it comes to you and your own children on his blog, take a stand and insist they not be included. Steal his equipment. Better yet, pelt him with tar balls off of the beach until he promises to edit out you and your family. We bloggers have an unwritten code of behavior, and in it is the understanding we don’t put OPK’s (other people’s kids) on our blog without permission.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

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19 May
I Spy on My Ex Online

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My divorce was finalized this past December, thereby ending my five year marriage to a brutally manipulative, self-entitled, and (at times) abusive man. We had no children (yes, yes “how lucky!” I know) and no longer have any contact. I can honestly say that I no longer miss him.

So, here’s the problem. He has never changed any of his passwords – e-mail, bank accounts, Facebook, anything – making it all too easy to “check in” and see how things are going. I’ll confess that at the beginning I checked fairly often and it has waned considerably – to about once every 4-6 weeks.

It may be twisted, but each time I tend to find something validating when I snoop, such as his various subscriptions to online hookup sites or (most recently) the fact that he’s shacked up with some new chick. I realize this is probably not the healthiest path for moving on. Will my snooping fade in time? How can I exercise more self control?

Signed,

No Self Control Suzie

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Dear No Self Control Suzie,

First of all, congratulations for getting yourself out of a very bad marriage. It takes a lot of courage to end a dangerous relationship and move on.

We all have a natural curiosity about our exes. I mean, isn’t that the reason Facebook was created? How else can I keep tabs on my ex-boyfriends and what they had for dinner last night or what one of them named his new cat.   (Fluffy, by the way.) Sure, it’s been 15 years since I’ve seen some of these guys, but a girl doesn’t like to be out of the loop. So it’s perfectly normal to follow exes on Facebook or Google them from time to time. And feel free to translate “time to time” as daily.

But here’s the problem with your behavior: it’s illegal. Now, I’m not an attorney. But I did defer from Northwestern University Law School two years in a row so as far as I’m concerned, that’s pretty much the same as a law degree and I can assure you that logging on to someone’s email, Facebook or other account, without permission, is completely illegal. Like you could be arrested. By real police officers. And prosecuted. And you could face prison time. Am I helping your self-control?

Not long ago, a Philadelphia anchorman was found guilty of hacking into his co-anchor’s email account. He faced five years in prison.   He was sentenced to three years probation, six months home confinement, 250 hours community service, computer monitoring, psychiatric evaluation and a $5,000 fine. Does that sound scary enough?

So forget about what your ex is doing online and go sign up for one of those dating sites yourself so you can meet a new man. It’s a much better use of your time and you’ll never have to put “ex-convict” on your resume.

Good luck to you,

Kelcey, TMH

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18 May
Friends Who Let Friends Pay Their Bar Tabs

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I don’t drink and whenever I go out for a group dinner with my friends, they always split the bill evenly. This means I’m subsidizing everyone else’s drinking. I don’t mean to be cheap, but I’m trying to save money and can’t afford to be paying for their drinks. How should I handle this?

Signed,

Don’t Want to Be Debbie Downer

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Dear Don’t Want to Be Debbie Downer,

Ah, the “splitting the bill” question. For some reason, it seems to be one of the most common problems for which people need advice. Well, that and all of this meshugeh Facebook crap that’s been going on lately. (What’s that? Why, yes, I did just drop a Yiddish word in there even though I’m a Lutheran shiksa from Texas. It’s all part of my schmaltzy shtick, people.)

Anyway, back to your issue. Now, you say you don’t drink, but that your friends do. And from the sound of it, at this point in the game, they’re all laughing and having fun while you’re sitting there silently judging how many pinot grigios Pam just threw back and wondering if Bob really needs that extra flaming tequila shot. (He does. His wife is a total bitch.) But how can you join in the party while also avoiding paying for their sloshing good time? Here—pick one:

1. Invest in some “roofies”

From what I’ve heard on the MTV, one splash of this little elixir and your friends will pass out after just one drink! No more $100 bar tabs, baby. Plus you’ll be able to steal their french fries after they’re rushed to the emergency room. (Note: The Mouthy Housewives do not condone illegally drugging your friends. Only the ones that watch “Gary Unmarried.”)

2. Order virgin drinks for yourself

Sure, it’s a little expensive and sort of pointless to order non-alcoholic versions of what your friends are drinking (not to mention the fact that they’ll all probably sing “Like a Virgin” to you the rest of the night) but this way you can go toe-to-toe with them on the itemized bill. And I hear that alcohol-free Long Island Iced Teas taste just like regular iced tea!

3. Eat desserts til you puke

Yes, not only does this one sound classy, but it’ll also make you look classy. Simply order your fill of mud pies, cheesecakes and tiramisues until you reach what they’ve spent on drinks, then start shovin’ ’em down your throat like you’re trying to win a blue ribbon at the Arkansas state fair. Trust me, there’s no way you can be a Debbie Downer with 12,038 grams of sugar coursing through your veins! Whooo!

4. Suck it Up

You knew this one was coming, didn’t you? The one where I stop being fun and say, “Just be honest and tell them you’re trying to save money, then hand over enough cash to cover only your food and tip. If they’re good friends, they’ll understand. If they’re not good friends, move on.” (I know. Isn’t it like, so embarrassing when I’m all mature and reasonable and shit? Oy. It’s because of my chutzpah.)

So good luck, Not Debbie Downer! You can do it!

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

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