It’s Guest Mouthy Housewife Friday and we’re going all international on you. Emma from Belgian Waffle is guest advising today, which is great news because she’s smart and funny. And across the pond. Please enjoy the post and when you check out her blog, don’t forget to get a load of the Weepette.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I had a recent girls’ dinner (with a lot of wine) and it turns out that none of us are having much sex these days. We’re all married and we certainly are sexually active with our husbands but it’s all so bland and ordinary. We all miss the excitement of dating someone new. Please don’t us to buy some lingerie and try some sex toys because that ain’t going to turn my guy into the hot cabana boy at our local pool club. Any new ideas for this age old problem?
In Quest of Better Married Sex
Hmm. Good question.
Firstly, as someone who no longer has any married sex – due to no longer being married – let me tell you, it’s probably a lot better than you realise. Only since I escaped the cosy bubble of my 15 year marriage, did I realise* that there are a lot of men out there who are either into weird stuff; or simply a bit rubbish in bed. The wild, erotic experiences I fondly imagined myself having have frequently broken down in reality to 50% embarrassment, 25% WTF, 5% erotically satisfying, 20% more embarrassment. I may score particularly highly on embarrassment because I’m British, but I still stand by my assertion that sex with someone new isn’t automatically better just because it’s novel. Forget about the cabana boy. He probably likes to be wrapped in saran wrap and peed on, whilst listening to Barry Manilow.
Ok, married sex won’t always be the acme of erotic experience. You’re tired, you’re wearing fleecy pyjamas, he hasn’t showered and he seems more interested in finishing his third ninja level sudoku puzzle of the evening, the kids have escaped from their bedrooms and are scratching at your door demanding snacks. Even so, it has a stack of good points.
Good things about married sex:
1. No weird surprises.
2. Your partner knows what you like (if they don’t something is terribly wrong or you are British. I can say that, I’m British).
3. No need for extreme (any?) feats of grooming/depilating.
4. No need to pretend to be incredibly acrobatic and turned on by any weird surprises.
5. Can be used as a currency or bargaining chip in important domestic debates.
6. Rarely lasts long enough to stop you watching your favourite tv shows.
So. Married sex = good. If you want to think of some ways to make it even better, you’re asking the wrong person (I’m British, remember). However, I can recommend you check out this absolutely excellent blog where a woman and her husband have set each other the challenge of seducing one another in a variety of ways weekly over the course of a year. It’s funny, well-written, and it also has some great ideas of realistic ways to have a bit of fun with your sex life without falling into cliches.
Now go away, I’m blushing.
Emma, Guest TMH
(*Based on my limited sample group and on research with friends. I’m no AnaÃ¯s Nin. I’m British, remember?)
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m 35 and my husband and I are done having kids. I’m having some surgery in a few months and my husband wants me to get my tubes tied while I’m having the other procedure done. But I don’t want to. I’m not sure exactly why. The idea of having my tubes tied makes me feel old and washed up, I guess. My husband keeps pressuring me. What should I do?
Fit to be Tied
Dear To Be Tied,
You are completely right; having your tubes tied will make you old and washed up, just like a prune. How do I know? My sister had hers tied and I didn’t, and now I am the fresh and younger looking one while she looks, well, old and washed up. Also? It turned her monthly periods into something so bloody Stephen King could work it into one of his novels. I’m pretty sure he’d title it Tampon Cemetery.
There is a reason uterus starts with a ‘u’ and that’s because U get to decide. This touches on a personal creed of mine that I find highly useful in life: whoever has the body part being chopped, sliced, or diced gets to decide. This applies well to ear piercing, circumcision, and lobotomies. Though with lobotomies, in-laws and contestants on The Price Is Right naturally negate their right to choose and we just give them one for humanity’s sake.
So here’s what you do: when your husband has his next root canal, tell him to go ahead and have a vasectomy while he’s at it. Gesh, we women only go in every year for vaginal dustin’ and a-cleanin! (I won’t even pull the pregnancy and childbirth card.) The least the man in our life can do is have a simple outpatient procedure on his balls once in his life. I sat through my husband’s vasectomy and there is nothing to it. As long as you can stand the smell of burning vas deferens when they cauterize it, all while he giggles like a little girl from the awesome drugs they gave him, which may or may not give rise to deep resentment, because where in the hell were those awesome drugs while I was IN LABOR?! I don’t know why we burned bras if not for equal rights to drugs.
Bottom line is don’t let your husband pressure you into something as permanent as a tubal ligation. It’s your body part, your decision. At the very least, in the name of Feminism, hold out until we get the vasectomy drugs. Seven years later, I’m still pissed he got giggly drugs and I didn’t.
A few months ago, Wendi, Heather and Marinka decided to throw our pregnant Mouthy Housewife Kelcey a baby shower. But, to be honest, we were all a little worried about having to play one of those psycho shower games where you wind up eating mystery baby food and rubbing someone’s feet with a burp cloth. (You know the ones.)
So instead we got some of our virtual friends, all parents of twins, to shower Kelcey with advice! Congratulations, Kelcey, on the birth of your beautiful twins. And thank you to Brian, Stacey, Monica and Kirsten, for sharing your wisdom!
Is it difficult to tell your twins apart? What tips do you have for new parents, especially when they have one of each gender?
When our girls were infants, we relied on different colored toenail polish to tell them apart. It wasn’t always necessary to check it, but it was nice to have a definitive answer for those days in which you have slept so little you couldn’t even recognize your spouse in a line-up of local thugs. – Brian
This can be tricky. My twins are the same gender, so I didn’t have the benefit of peeking inside their diapers to tell them apart. Honestly, I could tell them apart in the middle of the night because one was squishier than the other. True story. – Kirsten
No, in general, I can tell my Haitian daughter from my red-headed Scottish-ancestry son. If she has trouble, Kelcey could always paint one of her babies a different color, or, you know, just check for the penis. – Stacey
What’s the hardest thing about having two newborns?
Everything. No, really it’s a snap. It’s incredibly easy to fit two highchairs in your kitchen and carrying around two baby carriers is great for the biceps. I’m totally lying. It’s a little difficult. My husband went on a business trip when my twins were about a month old. When he came back I couldn’t decide what to do first, change my underwear or brush my teeth. -Kirsten
That they will become two three-year-olds. I’m sorry in advance.- Stacey
The hardest thing is dealing with all the lookyloo’s.. Going out shopping with twins turns a 30-60 minute trip into a 2-3 hour trip. Plan on spending an entire day out just to shop for groceries. “¨The babies themselves are easy! Get on a schedule, and stick to it. When you feed, feed them both at the same time, same goes for naps, changing diapers, and oh… baths… Yeah.. Daddy and I tag teamed on baths. One would wash while the other dried and dressed. – Monica
Everything. Okay, not everything. No, yes, everything. Sleeping is impossible. My wife was in charge of breastfeeding, which she did nearly constantly, rolling on one side for one baby, then the other for the other. I was in charge of taking care of any infant that didn’t go back to sleep after nursing. There were some nights that neither of us slept a single bit. – Brian
Do you think that twin names should “match”?
No. No and no and no. Twins are not “twins”. They are just two individuals who were born at the same time. They should be treated as individuals, not a set. -Brian
Yes! I suggest Lemonjello and Orangejello. Names of twins on a prescription my husband filled. I kid you not. Don’t stress. You can not do worse than that. – Stacey
No, but they should definitely be dressed alike. That way there will be no doubt that they are twins and people will feel bad for you. -Kirsten
NO NO NO NO! We very deliberately chose names that didn’t “Match”. We had people suggesting things like “Sarah & Ciera” (because they don’t look the same now do they?) “¨We wanted the girls to have their own identities, and wanted them to have names that fit their personalities. I think we did great with Alexandra and Victoria. “¨Besides… Think about the kids when they go to school. Do you really want other kids to pick on them because you named them Jack and Jill or Gabriel and Gabrielle?? Seriously??? – Monica
What’s the thing that surprised you most about having twins?
The fact that I could not take 10 steps outside my house without being stopped and answering questions (some very thoughtless) about my twins. -Brian
When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I honestly thought “how hard could it be? I’ve babysat more than one child before.” But then they were born and I had to laugh at myself. It’s no picnic, but then again I did end up having a third. And I am still amazed at how easy having one baby at a time was for me. You will laugh at all the “mothers” who give birth to their children one at a time. – Kirsten
The confidence, strength and comfort they find in each other. It’s awesome. – Stacey
What’s the most outrageous thing that someone ever said to you about having twins?
The worst was “which one is the evil twin?” My twins are almost eight years old and people still ask me if I breast fed them and how. Be prepared… people feel no shame in asking if you fed them both at the same time. – Kirsten
Too many outrageous comments to narrow down to just one, but once another mother of twins, who had a full time nanny, asked me if I take care of my girls by myself. When I said yes, she sighed and said “Oh, that must be so much easier! Your twins must have learned how to be patient!” My twins were 13 months old. Like hell they had learned patience. -Brian
There’s been a few.. but the one that sticks with me is “Oh.. I feel sorry for you. You have your hands full.” Really? Do I really?? Because my girls are sitting in the cart, smiling, and hugging each other while your 3 kids who are all different ages are starting a revolution in your cart… – Monica
“I could never have twins, I couldn’t pay enough attention to two children.” Yes, thank you, I’m happily failing to pay my children enough attention and I’m now afraid that they will grow up to be neglected serial killers. -Stacey
Best advice that you ever got about twins?
“Do not divorce your spouse in the first year. Whatever happens, give your marriage a pass for that first year.” -Brian
Enjoy EVERY minute. They grow way too fast… and they do… My girls start Kindergarten this year, and I have NO idea where the last 5 years have gone… at all… – Monica
There was another mother of twins at my baby shower and she told me not to look in the mirror for the first few weeks. That was good advice. -Kirsten
Any good 2-for-the-price-of-one deals we should know about?
I wish. The first time I took them in for an infant well-check and had to pay 2 co-pays, I openly wept. -Brian
I don’t know of any good 2-for-1 deals, but I do know a lot of places give twin discounts! Start writing to diaper companies, toy companies, etc. Let them know your due date, and genders of your twins. They’ll very often send you samples and freebies! “¨- Monica
Applebee’s on Wednesday nights. Children eat for $0.99. No, I am not kidding. Yes, we go there a lot. – Stacey
Who are your favorite famous twins?
Okay, this question I am sorry to be asked. I despise the idea of famous children. I am actively upset to be asked this. – Brian
Ann Landers and Dear Abby. -Kirsten
Paul and Morgan Hamm.. olympic gymnasts… They rock… Following them, Jocelyne and Monique Lamoureux… 19 year old US Women’s Olympic Hockey Team members… Youngest members of the team, and they kick butt!!! “¨- Monica
How easy is it to turn your twins into cash cows a la the Olsen Twins?
See above answer. – Brian
How willing are you to starve them and have their eyes surgically enlargened until they look like bush babies? – Stacey
We honestly haven’t even tried. We prefer them to enjoy their childhood. – Monica
Have your twins ever pretended to be each other so that they can trick you and your ex-husband into reconciling?
No. My twins are not that clever. Also, that whole different color thing. And they know how pissed I would be if they tried to paint each other the opposite color. Plus, no ex-husband. OMIGOD, there are so many problems with this question. – Stacey
Not so much. The one time one of my girls identified herself as the other, the other twin fell to the floor wailing she was so upset. – Brian
HA… no… they let you know who they are. We’ve messed with them and called Victoria by Alexandra’s name and vice versa… They’re very quick to correct you. – Monica
Is one of your twins “evil”?
Evil … no… but very sneaky… yes.. very sneaky – Monica
No. Their mother is evil, especially before she has coffee. Oh yeah, Kelcey, stock up on that coffee. – Stacey
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I need advice on how to deal with a “toxic” friend. When this friendship began several years ago, the woman (who is a work colleague) seemed like a fun, somewhat together person. But over time, other qualities emerged: self-centeredness, pessimism, poor boundaries, and neediness.
I now find spending time with her to be very draining, and when I try to talk about lighter topics, she takes offense and says I lack empathy. She seems to view our relationship as lifelong and doesn’t handle my increasing infrequent availability well. Unfortunately, I need to maintain some semblance of a relationship since I work with her and she’s also in my book group. Any suggestions?
Donna the Defriender
Dear Donna the Defriender,
Believe it or not, I actually answered a question similar to this a while ago. At the time, I advised the person to just tell her unwanted friend that she was relocating to Afghanistan, easy peasy, problem solved, but now I’m a year older, a year wiser, and I have even more pretend psychology classes under my belt. Therefore, let’s see if I can come up with some better advice for you.
Let’s see…hmmmmm, how ’bout you…or then again you could…or maybe just take a piano wire and a jackhammer and…nope, I got nothin’, Donna. That Afghanistan shit was PURE GENIUS.
But let’s assume you’re not willing to move to the desert until they have at least one Pinkberry, which may be a few months away. Here’s one more tactic for you to try. Ready? Remember this word: Disengage.
Simply pretend you’re the snotty head cheerleader and she’s the weird, pervy mathlete who’s always trying to talk to you. For example, she says, “I just hate Mondays.” You say, “Uh-huh.” That’s it. No more. She says, “Want to go get a chalupa?” You say, “No, thank you.” That’s it. No more. She says, “I have naked pictures of Bradley Cooper on my computer.” You say, “WHAT? WHERE? CAN I LICK YOUR MONITOR? OH, SWEET JESUS, I’M SO HAPPY!” That’s it. No more.
The point is, if this woman is as self-centered and needy as you say, she constantly craves your attention—good or bad. By disengaging and not reacting to her at all, she’ll most likely get bored and move on to someone else. This may not be the most mature or honest way of dealing with her, but at least this way you save yourself an ugly confrontation and keep the peace at the workplace and in your book club.
And if that doesn’t work, well, load up on the sunscreen, Donna. You’re going to need it where you’re going.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
While visiting family a few months ago, my son got a bit rowdy and pinged my sister in the face. It was just an accident, but it left a little scratch. The scratch has since healed, but my sister is still not over it. Every time we’re on the phone she brings it up in either a guilting “woe is me” or judgmental “you need to control your kid” tone. My son was three years old at the time and didn’t mean to hurt her. He’s apologized. I’ve apologized. It should be done and over, right? And I repeat, JUST AN ACCIDENT. If she brings it up again, I may have to scratch her face… on purpose. You’re always so great with the witty retorts, Mouthy Housewives. What can I say to her to shut this down once and for all?
Get Over It
Dear Over It,
And so it starts. First, your son didn’t mean to scratch your sister’s face. Then, he didn’t mean to start the fire. And after that we transition nicely to the whole what hostages? He was just horsing around!
As a mom, it’s natural that you want to see only the good in your little boy, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not a menace to society who must be stopped. Your sister is doing you a favor in bringing it to your attention. Her civic duty, if you will. And as long as she lives in bizzaro-world, where toddlers are held to the same standard of behavior as adults, she will continue to harp on it.
Turn the tables on her. Not literally, of course, because you’d never hear the end of that. Ask her, “how is that scratch doing? Does the doctor say that there’s any hope? Any hope at all for a full recovery?” No doubt she’ll say that it healed, but don’t give up. Perhaps she should seek a second opinion. It’s possible, after all, that what appeared at first like a superficial scratch was really a deeper, more significant event that went beyond the skin and is now affecting her thought process.
If she insists that the doctor gave her a clean bill of health, let her know that you understand that she’s upset about being scratched by a child, but that as far as you’re concerned, the incident is over and you don’t want to discuss it anymore. And then think back to your own childhood. Surely she’d scratched, punched, kicked you at some point. You may have to get some repressed memory assistance if nothing comes to mind right away, but I am certain that by the next time your sister mentions that scratch, you’ll have a good story about her juvenile delinquency to retaliate with.