It’s Guest Mouthy Housewife Friday and today we have The Checkout Girl filling in! The day I discovered her blog is the day that I learned what happiness was. And as a bonus, she has another blog. About..er…Motherhood (language warning!) Enjoy! -Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What is the best way to convince my husband NOT to get a dog? He desperately wants one (and so do the kids) and they are all begging me endlessly. I do not want a dog. Help me before it’s too late and I’m spending every waking moment with Fido.
I Already Have A Best Friend
The barking, the fleas, the neediness, the pooping on the floor, who needs it? And now he wants a dog?
My guess is your husband will attempt to sway you by saying that he and the kids will do all of the work and you won’t have to lift a finger. Guess what? It never works! What if you DO lift a finger? Are you allowed to litigate? Last I checked, there was no Law & Order: Forgetful Stupidity. Judge Judy might take your case but there’s no guarantee that once she sees those babies of yours batting their eyelashes and pouting, “We just wuv our widdle doggie” that she is going to side with you. Kids is tricky, sister, and so is TV judges.
Let me tell you a little story. I wanted a dog, too. Well, it was between a dog and a baby but the pound rarely takes babies back and so I chose a dog. The other day I came home and she had dragged my clothes out of the hamper and eaten the crotch out of all of them. Not chewed; eaten. The moral of that story: always wear the jeans that make your butt look magnif, because you never know when the clothes on your back will end up being all you are left with. Also, your dog might be gay and you don’t even know it. I mean, dogs don’t have pride parades, you know?
My question to you is this: how far are you willing to go to convince the hubs not to get a pooch? Extra kisses far? Extra kisses while naked far? Extra kisses while naked and wearing a dog collar far? Is expressing your extreme misgivings to him clearly (and loudly, if necessary) not enough? If that’s the case, maybe *he* should wear the dog collar.
A decision this major (and potentially wardrobe-altering) should be made jointly and not something that one person (and a few little half-people) decides and sets out to whine the other person into. Don’t be swayed, sister. Stand your ground and tell the chewed crotch story. If nothing else, maybe you’ll distract him with pity for me and my Victoria’s Secrets. If not, get the collar.
The Checkout Girl, Guest TMH
Are mornings completely hectic in your house? Do you find yourself scrambling around to make your kids a healthy, nutritious breakfast before they head off to school? Well, here’s a thought: instead of cereal, yogurt or pancakes, simply give your kids black coffee and cigarettes for their morning meal! Easy peasy!
Oh, sure, having coffee and Camels for breakfast will probably stunt the kids’ growth and cause a few health problems, but just think of the energy they’re going to bring to the 2nd grade! They’ll get those math problems done in no time flat and maybe impress their teachers with an adorable 2-hour talking jag, too!
Not to mention that their new breakfast meal will totally prepare them for their future careers as unemployed musicians and artists. Does it get more educational than that? We don’t think so!
So tomorrow morning, grind some beans, crank up the coffeemaker, and bum a few cigarettes off Daddy. Breakfast is served!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I recently got an email from a friend who wants to plan a baby shower for one of our co-workers. I’m happy to help but she wants to get together to go over the details. Listen, my life is full enough without having to meet-up to plan a baby shower. What happened to throwing out some ideas via email? How can I handle this without pissing off my friend?
Too Busy for This
Dear Too Busy,
Look, I understand having a full life. I’m working two jobs, raising two boys, pleasing my husband, and I still run 99.5% of the household. (Isn’t feminism great?) I am busy, busy, busy!
People nowadays are just so inconsiderate of our busy lives too. Don’t they realize the inconvenience it causes us when they insist on having babies? And here we are, required to celebrate such an event. Gesh, sometimes we’re even asked to sacrifice our lunch hour for things like this! Will their selfishness ever end?
Wasn’t email invented to make our busy lives more simple? Hello? I hope this mother-to-be has arranged for a webcam at the hospital so everyone can see the baby from the convenience of home. Who has time to visit a new baby and welcome him or her to the world in person? This is why technology was invented – so we can disconnect from other humans.
Really, life should be all about our convenience and not serving others, don’t you agree? I don’t know why we even have baby showers anymore. Have a Twitter party instead. Email your friend back and remind her we aren’t living in Mayberry, NC, in the 1950s. This is 2010, and a Twitter hashtag dedicated to the co-worker’s new baby is certainly the best (and easiest) way to honor her.
Or, you could get in touch with your inner saint and make the time to help plan the shower. Do we ever really regret acts of kindness and giving?
If you’re looking to live a more greener, organic life, Daphne of A Greener Biener is the girl to emulate. Luckily for us, she took a break from growing tomatoes and making jam to be a guest Mouthy Housewife. She was also a sorority sister of mine so if you’re really nice, we’ll teach you the secret handshake. – Kelcey
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
If you’ll allow me to start with boasting, let me say I am a very talented home cook. The problems is that I taste test so much of the food as I’m cooking that I’m never hungry by the time the meal is on the table. Not only is it a let down to my taste buds to eat when full, but it’s no friend to my waistline either. I have no idea how all of the Food Network chefs manage to not nibble while cooking. Do you have any advice of how I could stop this bad cooking habit?
Just Too Finger Lickin’ Good
Dear Finger Lickin’,
Hats off to you, girl. I like a self-possessed woman who can take credit for her strengths. If you’re telling me that you are a talented home cook, I have no doubt you are indeed tomorrow’s next Top Chef.
The problem here, however, doesn’t seem to be the provision of quality meals for your family. (I’m assuming that some of the food actually makes it to the table for your family? Or are you scarfing down the good stuff and throwing out a bowl of cheerios for them?)
Tasting is an important part of creating in the kitchen. That being said, you won’t be able to lift that ladle if you insist on snacking your way through the process. You mentioned that the chefs on the Food Network never nibble while they cook. So I think the obvious solution is to hire a neighborhood kid to film you every day while you make dinner (tell her you’ll kick in a couple extra bucks if she also does your hair and make-up). Once the camera is rolling, you’ll be too self-conscious to keep up your snacking habit.
Of course, once you tire of being an imaginary Food Network star, you’ll need a different solution. Just like we should never enter the supermarket on an empty stomach, perhaps you should not confront the stove in your weakened state. Does Happy Hour coincide with cooking time at your house? Why not sip a glass of wine while you stir the pot? Or peel an extra carrot while preparing the salads, then munch away. You’ll feel satisfied and your appetite should still be intact for the dinner table.
Feel free to check the flavor and toss in a little salt, but leave the rest for the table. This is where the good stuff happens anyway. Showing your children that you’ve got a handle on how to eat right is the best way to promote healthy eating habits in them.
Trust yourself; we’ve established that you’re a good cook. So don’t go licking the bowl clean trying to prove it. Here’s what you do if you can’t get control of that wandering tongue — act like a Queen: claim paranoia and hire yourself a royal food taster.
Daphne, Guest TMH
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A good friend of mine thinks that 9/11 was a conspiracy. Not only do I disagree with her, I find her views disrespectful. She doesn’t talk about it often, but knowing that she believes it made me lose respect for her. Should I clear the air or let it be?
Confused in Cleveland
Dear Confused in Cleveland,
First of all, I have to admit that there’s nothing I like better than a good conspiracy theory. The mystery, the intrigue, the far reaching, sneaky cover-ups by suave men in fedoras who sit in black cars obscured by swirling cigarette smoke—what could be better? It’s like watching The X-Files before Mulder dumped Scully and moved on to that horrible Californication and a few months of tacky sex rehab.
I really thought The Truth Was Out There.
Anyway, while I do think it’s fun to speculate on some of the more crazy conspiracy theories around, ones like “Michael Jackson and LaToya are the same person,” “Joy Behar was created when scrambled eggs got mixed with rabbit DNA in a Finnish laboratory,” and “Eating a crapload of Girl Scout cookies grants you eternal life,” I definitely draw the line at giving prudence to some of the more whack-a-doo ones. You know, the ones that involve people actually dying.
But let’s look at the big picture because the real issue here isn’t whether or not your friend’s beliefs are correct—the real issue is that you’ve now lost respect for her because of them. If you think this is a deal breaker in your friendship, then perhaps the best thing to do is just back away from her a bit. At least that’s what I did when I found out my friend Sherry Tompkins was trying to get me involved in a pyramid scheme involving fake Italian handbags back in ’99. (First clue: Prada isn’t spelled with two d’s.)
However, if you think you can still remain friends despite having such disparaging viewpoints, then you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you very strongly disagree with her conspiracy ideas, find them offensive, and you do not want her to talk about them with you again EVER. If your friendship is as important to her as you think it is, I’m sure she’ll adhere to your wishes and never bring it up again.
And if she does, let me know. I hear Sherry Tompkins needs a partner to help her sell some Goochi purses.