Everybody is Faking It
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband asked me if I’ve ever faked an orgasm with him. I said “Of course not!” and he said “I thought everyone did.” It was no big deal to him, but now I’m wondering what’s wrong with me that I can’t admit to faking it every once in a while.
Signed,
I Faked It and Then I Lied
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Dear I Faked It,
Sometimes it truly is OK to fake it. For example, if you and your husband are running 45 minutes late for dinner with friends and he suddenly turns to you as you’re half way out the door and says, “Do I look alright?” – turn to him with a big smile and say “Honey, you look great.” And then maybe the next time you go out, suggest that pairing a jean jacket with jeans might be a touch heavy on the denim.
To facilitate a smooth, happy marriage it’s necessary to sugarcoat things by sprinkling a white lie here and there. But the bedroom is not one of those times.
Unless you have divine superwoman powers (and if you do, market them immediately so you can bask in your glorious riches), you likely will not have an orgasm every time you are intimate with your husband. And that’s OK. On those occasions, don’t make your husband work endlessly in his futile attempt to get you to the promise land. Just let your spouse know that for some reason (that has nothing to do with him), it’s just not happening for you on this particular evening and he should relinquish all thoughts of baseball and bring it home for the both of you.
There is just no benefit to misleading your spouse into thinking you’re having an orgasm when you’re not. Because maybe you two can work together over time to make your orgasms more frequent. Or maybe you just have to imagine George Clooney all naked and sweaty and in your bedroom. Whatever works.
And save your “faking it” for when your husband makes you a lasagna dinner from his mother’s homemade recipe that tastes like shredded rubber tires. Just turn to him and say, “I love it and I love you for making it.”
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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Reality Bites. Or Does It?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I love reality TV. LOVE it. My husband makes fun of me for watching it and says that only morons like that kind of program. This really hurts my feelings because I’m just trying to relax and have a little escapism. Should I stop watching?
Signed,
Reality Bites
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Dear Reality Bites,
First of all, let me say that I’ve been known to watch a few reality shows myself from time to time. (Although there is NO truth to the rumor that I have a Rock of Love Bus tramp stamp. NO TRUTH.) But sure, I admit I’m a faithful viewer of some not-very-intellectually challenging shows. Shows like The Real Housewives of Orange County. And The Real Housewives of New York. And The Real Housewives of New Jersey. And The…oh, dear God! I’m a moronic loser, too! Quick, somebody give me an economics textbook before I start drooling into my organic corn flakes like a lobotomized Paris Hilton! Oh, the humanity!
But listen, what you do with your TV time is completely up to you. If you want to spend an hour watching the oh-so-high-brow Jersey Shore, so what? It’s no worse than watching professional bowling or professional golf for three hours every weekend. And at least with Jersey Shore you get to learn cool new words like, “Snooki,” “Guidos,” and “pouf.” It’s actually very educational.
Now maybe what your husband is really upset about is that you’re ignoring him in favor of watching TV, and this is just his immature way of expressing it. So how about turning the TV off for an extra hour a day and instead, just sit and talk with your spouse. After all, he might not be as fascinating as The Situation, but then again, The Situation isn’t the one who’s going to grow old with you, either. (And yes, I have a frightening image of an elderly The Situation fist-pumping at a retirement home in my head now, too. Ewww. Wrinkly spraytan…)
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Could My Friend BE Any More Annoying?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My best friend’s new speaking mannerisms are really annoying. For some reason, she’s turned into Chandler Bing from “Friends” and now everything is “Can I BE any more upset/happy/whatever about this” and also into Michael Scott from “The Office” with the “That’s what SHE said” retort.
It’s been going on for months, and now I dread talking to her and don’t know how to respond to her new ‘”humor.” Help?
Signed,
Hoping It’s Not A Brain Tumor
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Dear Hoping,
Assuming that the brain scan comes back negative, you have to decide whether it’s easier to bear your friend’s new tic or have a discussion with her. But be warned: discussions with friends that center on how annoying they are tend to backfire. For some strange reason, the friend seems to spend less time thanking you for being forthright and more time retaliating with your own heretofore unmentioned foibles.
So if you’re not ready to tell her that you’re not enjoying this new humor, why not play a drinking game with it instead? Every time that she channels Chandler, you take a sip of champagne. Or if you’re not a drinker, a line of coke. You’ll be laughing along with her in no time!
But if for some strange reason you’re not comfortable with substance abuse, you’re going to have to talk to her. Be gentle. Tell her that you just don’t get these new jokes and that repetition isn’t making them any better for you. Be prepared for a bit of push back and don’t be defensive. She’s entitled to feel hurt about it. But she’s also entitled to feel grateful that you told her to her face and not by sending her a link to an advice column or something.
Good luck (that’s what she said),
Marinka, TMH
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When Friends Try to Ruin Your Wedding Day with Good News
Today The Mouthy Housewives are lucky enough to have Becky of The Tales of Princess Mikkimoto as our Friday guest poster. If you don’t follow this gal on twitter, you must to immediately improve your quality of life and happiness. Now Becky used to be a very funny single girl and now she is a very funny engaged girl. So when this question was sent to us about wedding etiquette, we knew she was the perfect person to answer it.
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Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am getting married soon and busy planning every detail of my wedding. I just found out that my fiancé’s best friend and wife are pregnant. I’m thrilled for them but don’t want their news to overshadow my wedding. I just want one day to be the queen of the ball.
I asked my fiancé if his friends could delay their baby news until after the wedding and he got very upset with me. He thinks I’m being a total bridezilla and that you can never have too much good news in one day. I just don’t want them passing around a sonogram picture while I’m walking down the aisle. Is my fiancé right? Have I turned into bridezilla or am I allowed one day that’s all mine?
Signed,
Am I Bridilicious or more of a Bridezilla?
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Dear B or B,
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. As a bride-to-be myself I know how exciting this all is. The planning every little detail, envisioning yourself coming down the aisle, the reception with your friends and family all having their eyes on beautiful you…
But here’s the rub. See that guy up there at the alter looking all suave in his tux? Yeah, that guy. The one you are promising to love, cherish and blah blah blah from this day forward. Unless you are mistaking your wedding for a royal coronation, it’s his day too.
I know it would be a whole lot easier if he wasn’t included in the package. I’m sure you could have registered for wedding gifts in an hour flat if he hadn’t weighed in with all those opinions about stemware. But without that guy, you actually wouldn’t be getting married at all. So if these are his friends and he wants to share their good news, you are going to have to let him. And now you’ll get your dream wedding cake instead of that New York Yankees inspired one that he so wanted.
Also since these are friends, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt that they won’t pass their sonogram down the aisle or jump up during, “Does anyone have any objections as to why…” with “HEY! We’re PREGNANT!”
You really can never have too much good news and it won’t take away from your special day. I promise. If I’m wrong you personally have my permission to show up at my wedding, grab the mike away from the best man’s toast and announce, “The groom bedded more girls than Tiger Woods!!”
And some more good news… with your pregnant friend there, it’s one less person doing shots with Uncle Pete at the open bar.
Have a beautiful wedding,
Signed,
Becky, TMH
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Was It Good For You, Too? Was it? WAS IT?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend and I recently started dating, though we have been friends for many years. The problem is now that we are sleeping together, he seems to need constant reassurance about his sexual proficiency–both in and out of the bedroom. While I think we have great sex, I am totally turned off by his insecurity and I kind of resent having to constantly reassure him. Now, rather than enjoy myself, I am always worried whether I communicate my satisfaction emphatically enough. (Honestly, if I get any MORE emphatic I’m afraid the neighbors will call the cops.)
I understand that we all need reassurance sometimes, but is there some magic phrase that will make him actually hear me when I say it’s great instead of fishing for more compliments? I want to be his girlfriend, not his life coach.
Signed,
Get oh-oh-over it
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Dear Get oh-oh over it,
I assume lighting up a post-coital cigarette isn’t a clear message of satisfaction to your boyfriend, so here’s what I suggest you do. Find a vacant billboard on the busiest street in your city and rent it out with the message, “YES, IT WAS GOOD FOR ME TOO, JOHN!”
If that isn’t enough for your boyfriend, my next suggestion is for your boyfriend to watch Dr. Phil. With deep, sage advice such as, “You’re only lonely if you’re not there for you,” I’m sure your boyfriend will be feeling sexually secure and confident in no time. Or possibly he’ll just feel confused like I do, because what in the world does Dr. Phil’s quote even mean?
And if neither of those suggestions will work, I suppose we can hope your boyfriend will naturally grow more sexually secure the longer you date. If he doesn’t, I say dump him before the co-dependent hook sinks so deep you need the Jaws of Life to extricate yourself from the relationship. Co-dependency is not a relationship game you want to play.
Besides, as Dr. Phil says, “You cannot be who and what you are unless you have a lifestyle, both internally and externally, that is designed to support that definition of self.”
(I don’t know really what that means either.)
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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