31 Mar
Meet Your New Mom and Dad!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am getting married in June and my fiancé told me that his parents would like me to call them “mom and dad.” I’m not happy about this but I don’t want to offend them.

Signed,

How Many Parents Do I Need?

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Dear How Many Parents Do I Need,

I think every family is different. For example, some families kiss on the cheek. Others kiss on the lips. And still others make out with their dogs. The point is each family has its own comfort zone. So you have to determine what feels right for you.

It’s very sweet that your in-laws now think of themselves as your mom and dad. But I totally understand if you’re not ready for this. Heck, sometimes I call my own parents Susie and Tom because I’m not always 100% convinced they are actually related to me.

In my opinion, the words “mom” and “dad” are really a special honor. I mean, these are supposed to be the people who stayed up with you all night when you were vomiting all over your bedroom, who held your hand on the first day of Kindergarten and who put up with you through the teenage years when you sported that asymmetrical haircut and a ridiculous attitude. They earned the right to be called mom and dad.

Tell your fiancé that you’re not quite ready to refer to his parents this way. You shouldn’t be pressured into this or feel like you’re offending anyone. And when you’re ready, you can casually work it into conversation like, “Hey, mom and dad, we could really use some money for a down payment on a new house.” Something low key like that.

And if you’re never ready, that’s OK too.

Signed,

Kelcey (Not your mom or dad), TMH

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30 Mar
Do You Have to Give a Present if You’re Not Present?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I need some advice on birthday party etiquette. If my child can’t attend a friend’s birthday, do we owe him a gift anyway? Does it matter if the friend attended my child’s birthday party and gave her a present?

Signed,

To Gift Or Not to Gift?

________________________

Dear To Gift or Not to Gift,

This is a very good question, and it’s a situation I’ve certainly come across in my now-going-on-eight years of children’s birthday parties. (Weird tangent: How come there aren’t any bounce house birthday party spots for adults where you can drink alcohol while hopping up and down on inflatable dinosaurs? Possible names: Bouncy Boozy’s, Jumpin’ Winos, Pump My Stomach.) (And I’m totally trademarking those, so don’t even think about it.)

Now back to your dilemma: My rule of thumb has usually been that if we’ve RSVP’d “yes” to the party and then can’t make it at the last minute due to injury or illness, we still give the birthday gift to the kid. Especially if mommy has already driven to Target, picked out the best thing she can find for under $15, then gone home and wrapped the stupid thing in tres chic Spongebob paper. That’s a lot of effort to go unnoticed.

However, if you RSVP’d “no” from the get-go, then I don’t think a gift is still required even if they’ve previously given one to you. (Unless it’s a close friend and you really want to get them something.) I think most parents understand this, and they’re probably relieved to not have yet another toy in their house to trip over during their midnight potty runs.

I hope that answered your question, my dear. And if it didn’t, just go look me up at Liquor’s Leapy Lounge. I’ll be the one drinking Sambuca in the ball pit.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

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29 Mar
The Underappreciated and the Fuming

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

In January, I drove an hour and a half to go to a baby shower for my husband’s niece.   I knew no one there and the weather was bad but I was happy to do it. I am also the one who bought the gift, wrapped it, got the card, etc. That’s fine (really).

So here’s how I found out that my husband’s niece gave birth. Today I happened to call home from work and heard a voicemail from a few days ago that she had the baby. Unless we call our home voicemail, we don’t know there are messages. I called my husband, frantic, because I figured he didn’t know. He knew. His sister called him. He said he posted it on his Facebook, didn’t I see it? I said I don’t really have access to Facebook at work, or time, and don’t really look to Facebook to find out information from my husband.   Do I have a right to be upset or am I over reacting?

Signed,

It could be PMS

___________________________________

Dear PMS,

Not only do you have a right to be upset with your husband, but I wouldn’t be letting his niece off that easy, either.   Who does she think she is, giving birth and then just leaving a voicemail message for you? It used to be that women wouldn’t so much as take a break from picking turnips in the fields while birthing babies, so the very least that she could have done was drive an hour and a half to tell you the good news in person.   And possibly give you her baby.   If it’s not colicky, of course.

As for your husband, I’m afraid that he’s doing what many men do.   Because while you heard “Do you promise to love and cherish” I can guarantee that he heard “Do you relinquish your right and responsibility to buy gifts for members of your immediate family and do you understand that your wife will henceforth be responsible for the same?”

No one likes to be unappreciated.   Talk to your husband.   Explain that although you were happy to participate in the prenatal festivities, learning about the baby’s birth the way that you did made you feel like an afterthought.   This may be a good time to review with him what is and what is not appropriate information to relay to you via Facebook.   For example, “My wife is the best!” is okay; “Out of Preparation-H, please pick up some more” not so much.

Best,

Marinka, TMH

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26 Mar
Please Don’t Quit the Hair Club For Men!

Today The Mouthy Housewives welcome the funny, frank Sarah Viz as our Guest Housewife! Sarah blogs at The Trenches of Motherhood where her slogan is “I had a mind once. Now I have children.” But judging by her hilarious advice below, we’d say her mind is doing just fine. Thanks, Sarah!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband had premature baldness and many years ago he invested in a toupee. It was a pretty good one and most people didn’t know it wasn’t real hair, but he got sick of the maintenance and finally took it off to go au natural. He’s happy now, but I miss the toupee. He just looked so much younger. Should I try to convince him to put it back on or learn to love my bald hubby?

Signed,

Bald Is Beautiful?

_________________________________

Dear Bald is Beautiful?,
Wow.   So what’s your secret to anti-aging?   Please don’t tell me you look exactly the same as when you got married. Aging is a fact of life, my dear.   As is wrinkling, sagging, graying and BALDING!   Perhaps your husband isn’t exactly psyched that you’ve gained  those 20 pounds.   Or that you wear mom jeans.   Or that your once perky boobs now look like ski slopes.   But he’s not writing to the Mouthy Housewives to complain now, is he?
While you may insist that your husband’s rug was “a pretty good one” and that “most people didn’t know it wasn’t real hair,” trust me.   They knew.   As soon as that stiff wind blew and his hair remained steadfastly immobile, they knew.   Or when his real hair happened to peek out of the bottom, they knew.   And they mocked him for it.

So if your husband is secure with the follicular famine on his head, you need to  wholeheartedly embrace  his resemblance to Mr. Clean.   After all, what’s NOT sexy about a man who cleans?!

Sincerely,

Sarah, Guest TMH

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Have you seen the Blogher 2010 agenda?   The Mouthy Housewives who will be thereWendi, Marinka, and Kelcey, plus the fabulous Aunt Becky, have been invited to host a Room of our Own called “Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere.” We are so EXCITED. Thank you to BlogHer and everyone who voted for us!! We are so grateful and can’t wait to see you there.

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25 Mar
Help, My Husband Morphed into a Health Nut

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

About three months ago, my 40-year-old husband started becoming healthy. He eats better, he works out, and he’s lost 25 pounds. He looks amazing. The problem is, now he wants me to join him. I work out a few times a week, and I eat fairly well, but I don’t want to get over-zealous like he is. This is leading to a lot of arguments. Should I just start drinking the wheat grass and shut up?

Sincerely,

Healthy But Not Nutty

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Dear Healthy But Not Nutty,

No, you shouldn’t drink the wheat grass and shut up. What you should do is secretly check his email and text messages, because is he having an affair? I get suspicious of any middle-aged married man who takes a sudden interest in getting in shape.

Even if he isn’t cheating, I hate him anyway for losing 25 pounds in three months. I’ve been doing the 30-Day Shred religiously (I have a Jillian shrine and everything) and have only lost ten pounds in a year.

Now, we’ll assume he isn’t having an affair. We can probably also assume he doesn’t consider lifting the TV remote or running to the freezer for a scoop of ice cream “working out.” So we’re dealing with a fanatic. What to do?

First, are you healthy and hot-looking already? If so, tell him you don’t have to be an exercise zealot to look good. It may not prevent an argument, but at least you’ll have the last word, which is a desirable marriage practice here at The Mouthy Housewives.

However, the rest of society seems to find the ability to compromise a valuable marriage practice. This is the same society where grown women lust over teenage vampires, so clearly society is insane. Should we care what they think?   Stand by your own exercise principles. Be an example of moderation and balance for your husband. After all, there is more to life than pumping iron.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

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