22 Feb
Other People’s Dirty Laundry

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

A friend recently returned some maternity clothes to me. I don’t even need them anymore but I’d like to lend them to another friend. Here’s the problem—they were returned completely dirty. Am I supposed to pay for all these sweaters to be dry cleaned? I don’t want to hand them over to my other friend dirty. What should I do?

Signed,

I Don’t Want to Pay For It

___________________________

Dear Don’t Want To,

Well, I hope you learned a really important lesson:  No good deed ever goes unpunished.   What were you thinking, lending maternity clothes to another preggo?  In this dog-eat-dog world, being helpful to a friend is practically a felony.

And your friend is no fool, she knows this. She borrowed the clothes, used them, by apparently rolling in the mud like the pig that she is, and then dropped them off at your place. Easy peasy.

You, on the other hand, seem to be happy to rinse and repeat by lending the clothes to yet another “friend.”   I don’t know how you can live with yourself.

I know that you’re expecting me to say, “Talk to your friend. Ask her gently if she’d mind taking the clothes to the dry cleaner’s and returning them to you in the condition that she received them, less ordinary wear and tear of course, tee hee!”  Well, I’m not saying it.

I’m saying, pay for the dry cleaning yourself. You’ll feel really resentful towards your friend, but that feeling will really help you when she asks to borrow some baby clothes, or maybe a bouncy seat. Oh, how you’ll snap at her when she asks if she could possible borrow your Maclaren.  Really, have your Flip camera ready for that one.  I mean, the friendship will be ruined, but it will feel fantastic to get all that festering resentment off your chest.

Or, if you sort of like your friend despite her bad manners, maybe you should just go ahead and ask her to dry clean the clothes. It’s a small awkward price to pay to save a friendship.

Yours in cleanliness,

Marinka, TMH

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19 Feb
Stop Copying Me, You Copycat

Today we are honored to welcome our Guest TMH, Anna Lefler, mistress of the hilarious blog Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder. Ms. Anna is a novelist, a humorist, a lover, a fighter, a Sagittarius (unconfirmed), a blonde and one hell of a funny writer. (And she’s also one of the most genuinely nice people we’ve ever met.) Please welcome Anna to TMH, and be sure to go visit her at her own joint. You’ll be glad you did. Thanks, Anna!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a blog and have recently noticed that a friend seems to be very influenced by my writing style. She wrote about a topic a few weeks after I did, without linking to me or anything. Confront or drop?

Signed,


Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Ripping Me Off

____________________________________________

Dear Imitation,

I think it’s important to remember that this is exactly why the Internet was invented.   “But, Anna,” I hear you saying, “I thought the Internet was invented so scientists at different universities could easily communicate.”   No, that is a widespread urban myth or, as we professionals call it, a “total pantload.”   The Internet was, in fact, invented for two reasons: 1. to facilitate the evolution of the species known as “social media guru,” and 2. to provide a virtually limitless supply of content for bloggers who can’t think up their own ideas.

Unfortunately, many people forget this, instead taking the selfish view that content they single-handedly create is somehow “theirs.”   (Believe me, some folks get downright aggressive about protecting their “ideas.”   I could go into detail, but my lawyer says I shouldn’t talk until the settlement is finalized.   Whatever.)

Anyway, my advice to you is to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Am I sharing nicely with the blogosphere…or am I hoarding my creativity?”   I believe once you adjust your perspective you will embrace your role on the supply side of the Internet content equation.   From then on, you will stand tall and proudly display the blog badge honoring the vital service you perform as an ICP – Involuntary Content Provider.

Onward,

Anna, Guest TMH

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18 Feb
Karate Kid Said “Wax On, Wax Off” But He Wasn’t Referring To Lady Bits

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m back on the dating market after a long, drawn-out divorce and eager to meet a new guy. I know this is a little ridiculous, but my question is: do men prefer natural hair down below, or the 100% waxed, Brazilian look? And why?

Signed,

To Wax or Not to Wax

___________________

Dear Wax No Wax,

Here at the Mouthy Housewives, we go that extra mile for our readers. So I decided to conduct a formal research project by polling men on this topic. I selected all of the men in my Facebook friends list and asked if they preferred a nude hoo-haa or a naturally hairy one and why. Two days later I find myself with no male friends on Facebook. I don’t understand what happened?

But who needs Facebook?! While at the library, I polled the men who happened to be there that day, which most were on an outing from an assisted living facility. I don’t think the elderly know what a Brazlian wax job is because they kept telling me to wash my mouth out with soap. What does that have to do with pubic hair?

In the end I could only get poll results from my husband and one of his friends. My research shows the following:

50% of men prefer a well-groomed natural look since a fully denuded hoo-haa reminds them of a prepubescent girl.

50% of men prefer a Brazilian waxed hoo-haa for its cleanliness and ease of maneuverability.

Are you wondering what in the world “ease of maneuverability” means in terms of lady bits? Me too! Then I realized that particular male subject is a close descendant of Sasquatch, thus having enough body hair for two people. Add any more hair into the mix and the friction creates a fire hazard.

So unless you are dating Sasquatch’s great great-grandson, I say it’s up to you. Some women swear the Brazilian upkeep brings more pleasure, and while I don’t reject the hypothesis, I do reject the pain, especially if the man doesn’t reciprocate by also waxing his manly bits. A full Brazilian, a bushy Sasquatch, or somewhere in between, discover your preference and forget the men.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

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17 Feb
Bad Mom, Bad Mom, Whatcha Gonna Do?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband has been out of town for a week, and I’m stuck at home with my one-year-old and my three-year-old. The weather’s too nasty to go outside, plus the baby’s sick, so it’s made me totally exhausted. I’ve been letting my older child watch a lot of TV just so I can get a break, but this is making me feel really guilty. Am I a bad mom?

Signed,

Boob Tubing In Boston

________________________________

Dear Boob Tubing,

You know the type of woman who never asks herself if she’s a bad mom? It’s the one whose kids are slurping Diet Coke out of baby bottles and playing soccer in Ross Dress for Less.

You know the type of woman who constantly asks herself if she’s a bad mom? It’s the one whose kid is doing just fine, but she still thinks she has to wonderfully fulfill every second of his little life or he won’t get early admission to Harvard.

Sound familiar?

If your children are fed, clothed and loved to the best of your ability, of course you’re not a bad mom. And let’s be honest, stuck inside the house with a sick baby and an active toddler for a week with no help is pretty much like being a contestant on some masochistic Japanese game show. Like “Big Happy Hamster Time Dance” or something. Hard work, no fun and you can’t understand what the hell everyone’s saying.

Now, if you can’t find anyone to come give you a break and you’re truly trapped, I suggest spreading out the TV watching in half-hour increments. Maybe try to sit next to your child while he’s watching so you feel like you’re interacting somewhat. (Note: You don’t have to actually pay attention to the show for this to work. Just randomly yell out, “Wow! That’s sure a funny turtle!” every few minutes. Because there’s always a funny turtle.) No, this isn’t the best thing for your kid, but a few days of extra TV time so mommy can get a break never harmed anyone.

And the next time your husband goes away for a week, make sure it’s in the summer.

Love,

Wendi, TMH

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16 Feb
Talking to Kids About That Thing

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband recently had the sex talk with our 11-year-old son. My husband said that it went well. Unfortunately, when I asked him if he told our son that it is okay to masturbate, he looked at me like I was insane and said that no way was he “going there.” He feels like this is something that people just know and that they don’t need permission. I think that it’s wrong to assume that, but I also think that it would be better coming from my husband than from me.

What do you think?
Signed,
I am a Girl, Don’t Make Me Do It
___________________________________

Dear Girl,

Masturbation is like meth. We all do it, but no one talks about it.

Let me lend you a hand with this one. Your husband doesn’t feel comfortable telling your son that it’s OK to date Mrs. Palmer because his father never told him. Why not call your father-in-law to discuss this lapse in his parenting? It’s not too late to recreate that all-important father-son moment for your husband! If his father is not available (like if he is no longer with us, or upon hearing your request, denies paternity), I recommend asking another male role model to step in to assure your husband. Perhaps a friend, or even a co-worker would work in a pinch. Feel free to brainstorm with some girlfriends.

Now that we got the awkwardness out of the way, let’s attack this head on.

You and your husband need to relay the message that masturbation is a normal and healthy part of sexual development. This also would be a wonderful time to discuss issues such as privacy, closing the door, and knocking on any closed door. If your husband refuses to talk to your son about it, you may have to grab the bull by the horns yourself.

Try to be direct about it. Say, “I don’t think your dad mentioned it, but masturbation is a normal and healthy activity.” It may be awkward, but the awkwardness is a small price to pay for your child not feeling conflicted or guilt-ridden over something normal and natural. Also, reassure your son that unless he raises the issue with you or his father, you will never bring it up again.

If you prefer the less direct route, consider saying, “hey, did you hear about the 15 best songs about masturbation list? Want me to leave the link on your Facebook wall?”

He will probably decline, but a beautiful conversation may blossom.

Good luck!
Marinka, TMH

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