22 Jan
The Thong’s The Thing….

_____________________________________

Would you like the chance to win a super sassy pair of yoga pants from  Yogamat Boutique?  Just  click here here for the details on how to enter. Best part? If you win, you are not required to actually do yoga. You can just lounge around in your new pants and eat salt & vinegar chips.

11 Comments <-- Click to comment

21 Jan
How Do You Tell Your Sister She’s Fat AND Stupid?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Every year my older sister starts a new diet plan on January 1st. Since she knows she’s doing this, she eats like a burly Teamster for the entire month of December, thinking she’ll soon lose the weight. However, she never does and each year she packs on an extra 10 lbs. How do we tell her this is a really bad idea without hurting her feelings?

Signed,

The Skinnier Sister

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Skinnier Sister,

Let me get this straight: You want to point out the obvious to your sister, which will basically imply that she’s both fat and stupid. I bet she’ll want to nominate you for Sister of the Year after that!

I have a better idea – you don’t tell her.

Losing weight is hard. With deep, enlightened statements such as that, I’m sure you’ll want to quote me, so I give you permission. See, this Mouthy Housewife has sworn for over a year now she would see the underside of 140 pounds. I have three pounds to go, and this is after months (and I mean MONTHS) of heinous acts of self-flagellation, or what is also known as The 30-Day Shred exercise video. Of course, it probably wouldn’t take me so long to reach my goal were I not also flagellating myself with chocolate chip cookies tied to a rope.

If you feel compelled to help your sister, I suggest a more positive approach. Make a fitness commitment with her. I don’t care who you are (unless you are that succubus she-devil Jillian Michaels), there is always room to improve your physical fitness. The two of you can keep each other accountable. There are lots of ways to do this, but right now I hear a cookie calling my name and can’t list them. Hofefully, mah reafers wilf mafe some suffestions while I eafs dis cookie.

Sincerely,

Heather, TMH

_____________________________________

Would you like the chance to win a super sassy pair of yoga pants from  Yogamat Boutique?  Just  click here here for the details on how to enter. Best part? If you win, you are not required to actually do yoga. You can just lounge around in your new pants and eat salt & vinegar chips.

4 Comments <-- Click to comment

20 Jan
I Want My Husband in My Life, Just Not in My Bed

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

When our kids were babies, my husband and I started sleeping in separate rooms so we could get good rest. He snores and I’m a light sleeper, so it has worked out really well. We still have lots of sex, but is this weird?

Signed,

I Can’t Hear His Damn Snoring from the Guest Room

_________________________

Dear I Can’t Hear His Damn Snoring,

Is this weird? Well, if you and your husband are Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke, then no. Or if you’re Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, then no again. These actors seemed perfectly happy sleeping in separate beds on their TV shows. But maybe I’m the only one who takes life guidance from television. I mean, ever since tuning in to “Gossip Girl”, I’m determined to gain admittance to the fanciest prep school on the Upper East Side of Manhattan (despite the fact that I’m almost 40).

If you’re too high brow to let television be your life coach, then consider this: Different things make different marriages work. I was recently reading the magazine “Real Simple” from February 2008. (Look, that’s all they had in the waiting room.)   And this issue had tips for making your marriage stronger. One piece of advice… only have a fight with your husband when you’re both naked. The theory is that by the time you get home and undress, you’ll never remember what you were so mad about.

What kind of advice is this?   I don’t need to stew in my anger for hours and then face my own droopy breasts just so I can yell at my husband for forgetting to take out the recycling for the third week in a row! But I bet this works for some couples.

So if sleeping in different rooms works for you and your husband, don’t sweat it. You’re really just missing out on someone breathing in your face and stealing the covers. And if you and your husband are having a lot of sex, then you have nothing to worry about my dear. Your marriage is rock solid.

Enjoy your sleep,

Kelcey, TMH

________________________

Would you like the chance to win a super sassy pair of yoga pants from Yogamat Boutique? Just click here here for the details on how to enter. Best part? If you win, you are not required to actually do yoga. You can just lounge around in your new pants and eat salt & vinegar chips.

10 Comments <-- Click to comment

19 Jan
Should I Be Ex-Communicado With My Ex?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Can you tell me what the etiquette is for post-divorce holiday greetings? My holiday greeting to my drunken, womanizing ex-husband was nothing.   Meanwhile, his Christmas greeting to all my family members, close friends, distant friends, vague acquaintances, and even my 8-year-old goddaughter was a picture postcard with he and his new girlfriend. (This girlfriend probably was one of the many that he had while we were married.)

While I thought his attempts to humiliate and destroy me would have ended after the divorce papers were signed, the fun just keeps coming.   Is there an etiquette for post-divorce holiday greetings that I missed out on? Advice?

Signed,


Newly-Free and Ready-to-be-Happy in Nevada

_________________________________

Dear Newly Free in Nevada,

It seems to me that this is a basic question of manners. Now that you’re rid of this loser for good, should you take the high road and send him a nice, civil holiday card, or should you take the low-down-jerkface-surface road and do something like he did?   Well, let’s think about this.

On the one hand, getting down to his level can sometimes feel pretty damn good, especially when you’re dealing with an ex-husband who is apparently—to quote Jennifer Aniston when she was talking about Brad Pitt—“missing a sensitivity chip.” Therefore, some recommended holiday greetings to give him next year could include:

1. A flaming bag of dog sh*t wrapped in holiday paper

2. A Molotov Cocktail (Hint: Mix in some pumpkin spice to make it even more festive)

3.   A YouTube video of his elf-like private parts set to “Jingle Bells”

Or

4. A holiday visit from a 6’6″ ex-con named “Malice” who’s dressed in a Santa suit, and carrying a red and white striped crowbar and two rolls of duct tape because someone’s “on the naughty list.”

But while any of those special greetings would no doubt give you some temporary joy, we all know that getting down in the gutter only makes you feel like a rat, too. Therefore, I say just ignore him. Do what you did this year and send him nothing. Your time with him is over, and all he’s going to do is bring more aggravation to your life if you continue communication.   It’s your life, and you should definitely move on and find happiness.

Although, if you wanted to send out a New Year’s card with a picture of the two of you on it that has his face blacked out and the caption, “I Just Lost 200 Pounds of Ugly Fat!”, I certainly wouldn’t try to stop you.

Love,

Wendi, TMH

7 Comments <-- Click to comment

18 Jan
Single Mom Seeks Support

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I recently left my fiancee, and we have a six-month-old baby. He moved out of our apartment and into his parents’ house and I am staying at our apartment (I have been paying all the bills since our child was born anyway). In our discussions, he has made it very clear he didn’t want me to date and wasn’t going to date himself. However, I recently found a personals ad that he placed on Craigslist.

He has also been extremely disrespectful to me (name calling, etc). Two questions. 1. Do I have a right to be bothered by this personal ad (in which he bashes me)? 2. Is filing for child support inappropriate?

Signed,

Single Mom

_____________________________________________

Dear Single Mom,

It’s too bad that I am already married because nothing turns me on like a personals ad in which the guy bashes the mother of his child.  Most women crave that kind of a relationship.

To answer your question, you have a right to be bothered by anything and everything from the way that your ex treated you to this season’s The Bachelor. I mean, how many landing strips jokes can they make? Of course I’ve only seen the first episode, so the answer may well be “one.”   Anyway.

I don’t know why your ex-fiance thinks that he has a right to tell you that you can’t date, but you have absolutely no obligation to comply.  Likewise, it is hard to tell from your letter whether you are feeling jealous that he seems to be ready to Craigslist date or you’re annoyed because he’s so double-standard about it.  In either case, own your feelings.

But also realize that you and he will be parents to your child for the rest of your life, and the two of you will have to work out some parenting rules.  At the top of that list should be that each of you is respectful of the other.  I can see that this is going to be a challenge for him, and you may consider inviting him to attend a parenting class with you. Don’t put the burden on him alone. For example, as tempting as it may be to say, “Since you are a dumbass with no parenting or social skills, why don’t you go to class and learn how to be a dad?”—don’t.  Tell him that you want to be the best parents that you can be to your baby and that you want to make sure that the two of you are prepared for the challenges of parenting when the two of you are not together.

And of course he should be paying child support.  Supporting your child is part of being a parent. There are even laws about it.

Good luck to you,

Marinka, TMH

5 Comments <-- Click to comment