How To Handle Social Media Slights: The Mouthy Housewives’ Version of Twitter Etiquette
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just discovered several people unfollowed me on Twitter, and I was defriended on Facebook by an old classmate. Is there a way to gracefully handle this unfollow/defriend experience without it being a big deal?
Signed,
Social Media Rookie
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Dear Rookie,
Oh, you mean we’re suppose to care when we are unfollowed or defriended on social media sites? Should I add “who unfollowed me?” to my list of things to worry over, right in between “are my shoes still in style?” and “would Russell Crowe find me attractive?”
If we’re looking for graceful ways to handle this social media slight, I suppose the most graceful thing to do is nothing. There can’t be a big deal if you don’t react. BUT! If you’re like me, “gracefully handled” is defined by unfollowing them right back, because that will really show them! (See Qwitter and/or FriendorFollow to help facilitate your social media passive-aggressive impulses.)
And I’m not really sure how one knows if they’ve been defriended on Facebook? Do you spend time online, stalking Facebook friends, committing their names to memory? Because, frankly, I have more important things to worry over, such as whether Russell Crowe likes brunettes, or only blondes? His wife is blonde, his infamous affair with Meg Ryan – another blonde. Does this mean I should select a new unattainable star for my sexual fantasies?
See, my plate is full, and I believe this is the true key to handling social media slights with grace: complete self-absorption. It works for me.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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I’m Stuck in My Jacket and I Can’t Get Out
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The weather is freezing and I’ve jammed the zipper on my long winter parka and it won’t unzip all the way. As a result, I have to step in and out of my jacket numerous times a day and I imagine that I look like a real idiot. Please help.
Signed,
Tipper with the Crappy Zipper
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Dear TCZ -
Welcome to middle aged adulthood! I know you’re over 35 because anyone younger than that would rather freeze their tuchus off than step in and out of their big puffy parka all day long like some disoriented yahoo. Am I right? A Mouthy Housewife has a sense about these things.
I’m going to assume that you’ve tried the traditional approach of tugging and pulling at the zipper while saying nasty things under your breath. Unfortunately, this method rarely works although you can work up a nice sweat which gives you the desirable “I’ve just been to the gym” or “I’ve just made mad whoopie” glow. So there is a slight benefit, but it won’t help you with your coat.
Another option is to throw that jacket in the bottom of your closet in frustration and just buy a new one on sale. But who wants to spend money on a coat when you could buy a new cute top and jeans for yourself instead? So scratch that option.
Instead, head on over to your local tailor and drop off that jacket. If he claims it could take a week or so to fix, look him right in the eye and tell him that you are catching a flight first thing tomorrow morning to Juneau to compete in a national ice fishing competition and if you win, you would be counting on him personally to sew all your elaborate ice fishing outfits for future events. Shout out a little “ching ching” so he gets the hint that big money could come his way.
Your jacket should be fixed by the close of business that day.
Stay warm,
Kelcey, TMH
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It’s My Office Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I think the people who coined “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” didn’t have to go to office Christmas parties. My office party is this weekend. I’m hoping they have plenty of toothpicks at the hor d’oeuvres table so I can use them to prop open my eyes. It’s always a snorefest. Do you have any tips for making an office Christmas party more fun?
Signed,
You Call This Fun?
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Dear You Call This Fun,
Well, my first idea on how to make your office party more fun is to invite me. After all, back in the 90′s, I had quite the reputation of being the life of the office party. (Which is sort of like being crowned King of the Dipshits, but you take what you can get.) But let’s see—there was the office party where I passed out on my husband’s boss’ bed. Then there was the office party where I did a drunk solo dance to “Lady In Red.” And who could forget the office party where I did five tequila shots, then treated my co-workers to 30 minutes of white girl rap on the karaoke machine? It’s amazing that I haven’t had a job in eight years.
But here’s my real advice on how to survive this year’s office party: Start drinking now and don’t stop until 2010.
As everyone knows, office parties can totally blow. It’s not like you really want to socialize with your co-workers, politely nibbling crudites and saying things like, “Remember that time the UPS guy tripped over the printer?!” or “Wow, Mailroom Johnny, you look so handsome in long pants!” And it’s even worse when you have to go to your significant others’ party and mingle with people you’ve never even met. I shudder just to think.
However, we here at TMH want you to keep your job, so the best thing to do at your party is just show up, act nice, drink in moderation, and make sure you have at least five (sober) minutes of face time with your boss. Then simply claim a non-life threatening babysitting emergency, and drive like hell to the closest bar that has a mechanical bull and a dirty pool table. You’ll forget about the snoozefest in no time.
And if that doesn’t work, be sure to put me on the guest list next year.
Happy Holidays,
Wendi, TMH
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My Sister is a Bitch, Can We Still Be Friends?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister thinks I’m a terrible mom and blames me for my divorce. She won’t speak to me as a result. I miss the “nice” her and want us to have a relationship, but I won’t get back together with my ex to make her happy and since I already had my kid , there is nothing I can do about it. Should I try to make it work anyway?
Signed,
Are We Really Related?
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Dear Really Related,
I am an only child and therefore decided to turn to my mother for wisdom on this one. Because, see, she has a sister and under the laws of parenting, this makes her an expert. Mama says:
“Yes, of course. Try to have relationship with your sister. Your sister is like your conscience. If you cut off a relationship with your sister, it will cut off some soul opening experiences.”
Now you know why mama is not a Mouthy Housewife. I have a slightly different take. First, my general rule is that if someone says “you are a terrible mother” to your face, they are clearly insane and should be shunned and mocked. Behind their backs, of course. Further, I assume that before you got divorced, you tried your best to make your marriage work, for your sister’s sake. Now that you are divorced, that topic is closed for discussion.
Tell your sister that you will not discuss your divorce with her and that if she wants to have a cordial relationship with you, she has to steer clear of that subject. Also tell her that you will accept an apology regarding the “terrible mother” comment, but she has to be convincing with the remorse. If she is unable or unwilling to change her ways, I say screw her. But from afar, because insane people can be unpredictable.
xo,
Marinka, TMH
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TMH Seal of Approval
Every week(ish), The Mouthy Housewives present their coveted(ish) Seal of Approval to a post that made us laugh and become a better person. This week we bestow the Seal of Approval on Stiletto Mom for her post And Now A List of Things I Don’t Want for Christmas. Thanks, Stiletto Mom! May your stocking be free of these horrors!
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