24 Dec
Surviving School Holidays

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! If ‘wonderful’ means I’ve gained back 5 pounds already from all the fudge and my children began driving me crazy on the very first day of school vacation. So I thought I would remind all of us of these school holiday survival tips.

See you on the other side of the holidays! (I hope.)

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23 Dec
Let’s Talk About Sex

I know you all are heading out to lovely holiday parties and after a few pints of spiked eggnog, you’re bound to accidentally ask one of your friends about anal sex. And thankfully, The Mouthy Housewives have already come up with a solution to this awkward social faux pas. So enjoy this post from the TMH archives, otherwise known as, “It’s Christmas week and you know I’m too lazy to write a brand new post.”

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Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I had dinner with a divorced friend that I don’t see that frequently and she was telling me about her new boyfriend and I don’t know what got into me, other than a few cocktails, and I asked her if they were having anal sex. And she said “Yes! It’s the best!” And then I felt like a prude because I’m an exit only girl AND I feel very awkward around her. Should I apologize for asking? Never talk to her again?

Signed, An Exit Only Girl

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Dear Exit Only,

As you can imagine, we get the “I’m so embarrassed because I asked my friend about her anal sex life” question CONSTANTLY so it’s really about time that we answered it.

Now when you say, you had a “few cocktails” do you mean like a vat of margaritas? Has your buzz even worn off yet? Well, even if you are still a bit tipsy, let’s tackle this problem.

My advice is to let it go. Judging from your friend’s exuberant response, “Yes! It’s the best!” I hardly think she was offended. And yes, you may feel awkward because you now have a serious visual when it comes to your friend’s sex life. But just imagine the awkwardness when you try to apologize when the two of you are sober.

But don’t stop talking to her either. Just send her off a fun, breezy email that says, “So fun having drinks with you and getting some much needed girl talk. Let’s do it again soon.”

If you just can’t let it go (and take it from a girl who is still pissed off about the color of the reception chairs at her wedding, I understand not being able to let something go), then have a conversation with her. But keep it light. For gosh sakes, don’t mention the word “anal.” Do not say, “I’m sorry I asked if you were having anal sex. But I think it’s great that you are. I mean, how awesome! Yahoo for you. And your boyfriend of course. Not that I do it. Because I don’t. But it’s so great that you do!!”

Instead, just say something like, “I had so much fun the other night! I hope the conversation didn’t get too personal. I’m sorry if it did. It’s just so nice to have a real conversation with someone.” And leave it at that.

And the next time you find yourself feeling a bit too inquisitive, excuse yourself and hit the powder room to refresh your lip gloss.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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22 Dec
Hot Secretary Leaves Wife Cold

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Is it wrong of me to be leery of my husband’s hiring criteria when his last secretary was a Hawaiian Tropic model whom he referred to as “dumb as a post” and stated “she must have known she was getting fired, she came to work half naked?” Or am I just being insecure?

Signed,

Hawaiian Tropic Has Been

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Dear HTHB,

Well, I guess my first question would be, where exactly does your husband work? Because if he’s general manager of the Hott Skanxxx Gentleman’s Club, then I don’t see the problem. If, however, he’s general manager of the Green Pastures Assisted Living center, we might have an issue. (And not just because Bikini Babe + Senior Citizens = Free Ambulance Ride.)

Now, let’s assume that your husband wasn’t actually looking to hire a secretary to suggestively rub lotion on herself and do awesome thong poses on top of the Xerox machine all day. No, what he probably wanted was just a nice, competent person to type and file things. But then, in trotted Ms. Hawaiian Tropic, resume in one hand, tube of cocoa butter in the other, and suddenly, your husband just completely lost his friggin’ mind and hired her on the spot. Probably without even calling her

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21 Dec
Stepmothers and Vibrators and Presents, Oh My!

Tis the season to be lazy, falala lala lala lala!   While I am off   eating bon bons and sipping champagne, please enjoy this post from back when I was a much younger Mouthy Housewife!

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Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Are real people giving each other vibrators as gifts now or is that only on “Sex & The City?” A friend of mine told me that she gave her stepdaughter a vibrator and I thought that was weird. But maybe I’m the weirdo?

Signed,

Morta Fied

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Dear Morta,

Of course it’s weird. Well, unless the stepdaugher is an adult, that is. Assuming that she is, the reason that you probably think it’s weird is that you’ve bought the Disney stepmother myth hook, line and sinker. Let me deDisneyfy you gently.

Prince Charming does not appear, if you’re asleep for days, you’re in a coma and stepmothers don’t  torture their stepdaughters and deny them access to the ball. Sometimes, they offer friendly advice, wisdom and yes, on occasion, a gift that vibrates. Of course it’s not always appropriate. If things are tense between you and your stepdaughter because you were just indicted for poisoning her father, for example, a vibrator doesn’t scream “wrongly accused!” as loudly as you may hope.

But if your stepdaughter is over eighteen and asks you for mature advice, it is perfectly acceptable to give the gift that keeps on giving. (Just to be clear, I’m referring to a vibrator, not herpes.)    Just make sure to hand it to her discretely and not as part of a Secret Santa exchange. And if you  do  want to give a vibrator but still stick with the Disney stepmother theme, just get one with burs.

Love,

Marinka, TMH

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18 Dec
Nobody Likes a Show Off. Or Do They?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

The moms at my children’s school are very competitive, and each year they give their kids’ teachers very expensive holiday gifts. I’m talking James Avery jewelry, etc. I don’t want to spend that much just to keep up with them, but I don’t want my kids to not be treated as well because we haven’t buttered up the teacher. What should I do?

Signed,

Not Hot For Teacher’s Gifts
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Dear Not Hot For Teacher’s Gifts,

Last I heard, it’s not legal to change a child’s grade because his mother gave the teacher peanut butter cookies for Christmas and not a Marc Jacobs pocketbook. However, if the teacher has a peanut allergy, well, that’s a different story because chances are she’ll be dead by the time report cards are due, anyway. Then you can sleep at night knowing that although you killed an innocent person, at least you didn’t spend hundreds of dollars on her and only to get nothing in return.

“Luckily” for me, my daughter goes to public school in California where the idea of a balanced budget with enough left over to educate the children is but a mere pipe dream.   I’m not saying it can’t happen, I’m just saying that it’s more likely that I’ll be the first Jewish, over forty, under-medicated woman to ever win a gold medal in ice-dancing, before it does.

As a result, all the parents at the school are asked to donate hundreds of dollars to help buy things like paper and pencils and hand sanitizer, therein leaving very little cash for them to drop a few “Benjamins” on a Tiffany tennis bracelet for little Ms. Applebee.

Sadly, no one knows better than a teacher about what it’s like to not make much money.   These men and women are grossly overworked and underpaid and quite frankly, I think that showing them kindness and offering to help them out in the classroom will give you the same leg up as those who do nothing besides traipse in once a year dangling a bag from a store where the average item would cost the teacher an entire day’s pay.

Good luck!

Jessica, TMH

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