I Caught My Boyfriend…I Can’t Even Say It!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just started dating this guy and I made an impromptu stop at his apartment. The door was unlocked so I walked in and found my new boyfriend masturbating to porn. I was so stunned that I just ran out of the apartment. We haven’t talked in over a day and I’m so embarrassed. Why does he need porn when we just started dating?! And how do I clear the air and start over? I really like this guy. Is this “spanking the monkey” incident going to kill our new relationship?
Signed,
Sandra Dee
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Dear Sandy,
Cool! What kind of porn? Assuming that no domestic or farm animals were involved and it was your run of the mill, “I’m here to fix the sink, ma’am, but let me unzip my pants first” type– great news! You’re dating a man. Men like porn. Porn is good, according to man. And in this Mouthy’s opinion, porn, like masturbation, in moderation, is perfectly healthy and normal. Poetic, isn’t it?
I can’t tell you why he masturbates when the two of you just started dating. It could be because he’s thinking of you. Or me. Or because it feels good. Of all the sexual acts that he could be doing, masturbation is the least upsetting.
Don’t feel bad that you ran out of the apartment. For better or worse, we spend most of our lives not walking in on pornographic masturbators (healthy and normal though they may be), so it’s not surprising that you didn’t stick around to make small talk.
But if you want to pursue this relationship, put your big girl pants on and call him. Chances are, he is embarrassed as well and will be relieved to hear from you. Go ahead, break the ice. Since it’s been over a day, ask him if he’s done yet.
Look at it this way, you got a super-awkward episode out of the way and you’ll have a great story to tell your grandkids one day.
Good Luck,
Mystery Mouthy (Can You Guess Which One?)
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What’s $25 Between Good Friends? A Nice Bottle of Wine and Saving the Economy, That’s What.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Recently, I went to see a good friend. As I was leaving for the airport to go back home, she asked if I would put something in my suitcase to bring to her mom who lives near me. When I got to the airport, they charged me twenty-five dollars because my suitcase was over the weight limit. I know it was because of what she gave me, since I didn’t buy anything when I was visiting her. Should I charge her the twenty-five bucks or let it go in the name of a long term friendship?
Signed,
Packing One
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Dear Packing One,
I am flummoxed over what I would do myself. They do say what goes around comes around, so if you just let this $25 go in the name of friendship, karma will get it back to you in one way or another. We can intellectually know that but, to tell the truth, I’ve only seen the Mad Housewife wine on sale once this year, and Black Friday is just a little over two weeks away. That puts a whole new perspective on the power of twenty-five dollars.
Let’s turn to the knowledge and wisdom of our readers through a pop quiz. Please put away all books and grab a pencil (translated into the computer age, this means poise your fingers over your keyboard and do not open a new search browser.)
Should Packing One ask for the money back?
A) Yes, and then send it to Mouthy Housewife Heather so she can buy some Mad Housewife wine.
B) Yes, and then send it to Mouthy Housewife Heather in time for Black Friday shopping.
C) No, because karma has a way of working things out and if you got the money back and then sent it to Heather, she would probably get a horrendous hangover from the wine and/or buyer’s remorse from Black Friday shopping.
D) Maybe, because if you pay it forward by sending it to Mouthy Housewife Heather, Heather promises to pay it forward by stimulating the economy, which pays it forward to Mad Housewife, who pays it forward to their employees, then to the government through taxes, and gosh, the paying forward never stops! This option probably takes care of Karma, so it’s there for a win-win situation for everyone.
So, Packing One, stay tuned to see what our sage readers have to say.
Sincerely,
Heather, TMH
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What’s the Cost of Friendship?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have one child and my best friend has three. Every year, I feel like I nearly bankrupt myself buying her kids holiday gifts. I suggested a dollar amount limit and she suggested $20 per kid. So that’s $20 for her and $60 for me. Is this fair? And wasn’t my suggestion of a limit enough of a hint?
Signed,
This Friendship Is Putting Me In The Red
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Dear In The Red,
Oh the holidays. That wonderful time of year when we so often gorge on Christmas cookies, stress over holiday cards and empty our bank accounts to buy heaps of presents that will likely end up in landfills. I can hardly wait for the merriment to begin.
We all can get a little swept up in the holiday fever and forget that credit card bills will actually need to be paid in January. So you need to be realistic about what you can afford. If $60 is too much to spend on your friend’s kids (and I personally think that is excessive unless those children can give you access to a magic potion that stops the aging process), then you need to do more than offer a “hint” about your financial constraints.
Here’s the problem with a hint. I hinted to my husband that it would be just fabulous if he sometimes went grocery shopping. This did not send him racing to the store with our reusable bags and a shopping list. I had to wake up one morning and say, “Can you go shopping today while I take the girls to swimming class? Here is the list.” Done.
So stop with the hints and tell your friend the truth. Tell her you can’t afford to spend 60 bucks on her kids. Maybe she can pick out one gift that all her children might enjoy like a video, a Wii game or a board game. Or perhaps you can agree to not exchange gifts this year or each buy something to donate. If you’re crafty, maybe each family can make an ornament for the others’ tree. Or do a cookie exchange. I think there are a lot of creative, affordable ways to handle the situation but first you just need to be honest with your friend.
Because your friendship shouldn’t fill you with resentment and bitterness. Obviously, that’s what families are for.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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Rawr! Am I A Cougar?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a 35-year old single mom of two kids. I lived above a cute guy in an apartment complex and after 8 months of saying hello in the hall, we went out on a date, hit it off, and have been in an involved relationship since June.
Oh, what’s that you say? How old is he? Dadgummit he’s 25. TWENTY-FIVE! Does that REALLY make me a Cougar? I didn’t chase after him just cause he’s a fine young thang. So clear this up for me: what really defines a Cougar, and should we keep on dating considering we have such a great time together, and therefore join the ranks of Mariah and Nick, and Demi and Ashton?!
Signed,
Ready to Pounce In Raleigh
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Dear Ready to Pounce,
Well, Kitty, the first thing we need to do in order to answer your question is to define the term “Cougar.” According to Wikipedia, a Cougar is either a “large, solitary cat” or “a woman over 40 who sexually pursues younger men.” So I guess that means if you’re licking yourself, you’re the feline kind of Cougar. But if some young buck is licking you, you’re the really, really happy kind of Cougar. Meow.
But from what I’ve heard, what really makes someone a Cougar is if they’re an attractive older woman who hunts the “vulnerable prey” of younger men. The kind of woman who’s Botoxed within an inch of her life, has a lot of cash, and who feels that she deserves a little “boy toy” to give her foot massages and peel her grapes. And honestly, if that’s what makes a woman happy in her tough pre-menopausal years, who are we point fingers at her and call her “Madonna”? After all, men have been dating younger women for years and nobody calls them by animal names. (Well, besides “Jackass.”)
Now in your case, it doesn’t sound like Mr. 25 year-old was just sitting quietly in a meadow smelling the flowers when BAM! you pounced on him with your cat claws and carried him back to your lair. So if you two enjoy each other, and your kids like him, who cares what people think? Go ahead and let them call you “Cougar” to your face. Because once they see that hot 25-year old man on your arm, they’re probably calling you “one lucky bee-yotch” behind your back.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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So, About This Turkey Thing
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a culinary disaster. Everything I cook turns out horribly, and I really hate being in the kitchen. My husband has invited his parents over for Thanksgiving dinner, and I know he would be really happy if I made a home cooked feast. What should I do?
Signed,
Turkey Trouble
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Dear Turkey Trouble,
That’s funny, because my husband would be really happy if I walked the Victoria Secret runway in a bra, g-string and those huge -ass Angel wings attached to my back, but that’s not happening either. Perhaps our husbands can get together and commiserate about ways in which we are not making their dreams come true. It could be a real Iron John bonding moment, and if we surreptitiously film it, I’m sure we’ll become YouTube millionaires.
I’m sure that your husband appreciates many of your other fine qualities, like the fact that you will even consider the notion of entertaining his parents for Thanksgiving. It’s time for a moment of truth–can you handle a turkey? Personally, I think that’s a tall order if you loathe all things kitchen. The chances for failure and frustration are just too great. And if you mess up the Thanksgiving Turkey, it’s some sort of a non-forgettable offense. So why not ask your husband if he’ll make the turkey. I suggest saying it casually, as though you’d already discussed it and it’s a fait accompli. Say, “Okay, so you’ll do the turkey and I’ll saute some brussel sprouts, right?” If he goes along with, fantastic! Problem solved!
Otherwise, I recommend throwing money at this problem. Check out the local grocery stores in your neighborhood and see if they provide an already prepared turkey that you can place strategically in your oven. That way, you get to take the turkey out of the oven and look all radiant. And if you’re worried about the price, don’t fret. This is what perfectly innocent people in Manhattan have to pay for the privilege of not poisoning their loved ones on Thanksgiving.
Then steam a vegetable of your choice (provided that your choice consists of something steam-able, like brussel sprouts, broccoli or asparagus); make a quick mustard vinaigrette, and viola! Dinner, she is served.
For dessert, get a bottle of Karo Corn Syrup (I like dark) and follow the super easy recipe for pecan pie on the bottle. Seriously, you can do it with your eyes closed and you should hear the praise. (Really, give me your address and I’ll send you the tape that I’ve made of the praise I’ve been given.)
Good luck and good eating!
Marinka, TMH
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