Sometimes things happen in life that aren’t funny. At all.
Words just sort of fail you during times like these.
But if you read about Anissa, you’ll know she would commit random (and we hope psychosexual) acts upon us if she knew we went too far with worrying over her. So let us reiterate Sam from Temporarily Me‘s tweet:
We won’t resist either. In fact, Anissa, pull through this and The Mouthy Housewives will come over and clean your house in French maid costumes. Pinkie swear.
Whatever it is that you, our readers, can do, whether it’s pray, meditate, dance naked in the dew by the glow of the moon, please join us in sending loving energy to Anissa and her family. Mamapop is posting updates on her condition and Aiming Low has information of how you can help.
And that is our advice for today.
So much love to you, Anissa,
The Mouthy Housewives
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend has a dog who is her “baby.” It’s revolting. She lets him sit on the couch, thinks it’s cute when he jumps on people and doesn’t understand why I go to wash my hands after he licks them. I don’t mind dogs, but I can’t stand her constant babytalking to him, and his being all over me.
I try to limit my visits to her home and usually we do go out. But any good suggestions for when I’m trapped with her son?
Signed, Sick of the Puppy Love
Oh I remember that puppy love well. Long before I had kids, my husband and I adopted a puppy from the rescue shelter to see if we could get the knack of this parenting thing. This puppy looked like Audrey Hepburn (I swear!) and we were totally smitten. When we traveled abroad, I missed her terribly and felt pangs of longing every time I looked at her photo. She was my baby.
Until I had a human baby! Then I could barely remember the dog’s name. Of course, we still loved our dog but it wasn’t the same. I’m guessing your friend doesn’t have any children yet and instead she is completely committed to her pooch. This is all perfectly understandable but it shouldn’t require you to endure an unwelcome lick fest every time you drop by. And you know that old belief that dogs’ mouths are actually cleaner than ours? According to the experts, completely not true. Dogs mouths are dirtier because they have a tendency to sniff and eat bacteria-filled waste. Yum!
Unless you steal your friend’s birth control pills and get her knocked up, this puppy love is going to continue for awhile so you need to set some ground rules. For example, let your friend know that even though you adore Spot, you don’t love him jumping all over you.
Then try to make a tiny effort by petting the dog, bringing over a few treats or you know, taking him for a walk in a baby stroller (I’m just positive she likes to walk her dog in a stroller). If you can be a little kinder to her dog, she will be less defensive when you’re coating yourself with hand sanitizer afterward.
If you just can’t muster up any love for this pooch, than feign allergies and just meet her out. That is – if you can both get a babysitter.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I live in an upper-middle class suburb. Most of the women here are very fit, and spend the majority of their time playing tennis and shopping. They also have stylish clothes, highlighted hair, and lots of plastic surgery so they all look very young and hot. I’d love to look like them, but I can’t afford it. Any tips on how to keep up with the Joans on a budget?
Dear Makeover Maddy,
I think you already know the first thing I’m going to tell you—-that old spiel about how you shouldn’t care too much about your outward appearance, that it’s your inner beauty that really counts, and that people should just love you for who you are, warts and all. But you know what? Let’s not and say we did.
The truth is that sometimes mama needs a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to make her feel good about herself. However, despite what you may see on The Real Housewives of Skankville, that sumpin’ sumpin’ definitely doesn’t have to cost $10,000 and happen in a plastic surgeon’s office. Take a look at the discount beauty tips I found here, and here are some other ways you can look hot for less:
1. Diet and Exercise – Not as easy or as quick as a tummy tuck, but getting in shape can be practically free. Take advantage of one of the many calorie counting websites available, then get active by playing tennis on a municipal court or by just going for walks every day.
2. Hair – Some people recommend student beauticians for discount hair styling, but that idea always gives me flashbacks to “Beauty School Dropout” and pink hair, so let’s not go there. Instead, go to the newest (and usually cheapest) stylist at a good salon for your cut, then try an at-home highlight kit from the drugstore. (Click on the video to see how to do it the right way.)
3. Clothes – If your neighborhood is anything like mine, the women’s daily uniform is usually designer denim, a cute top, and nice shoes. Spend your money on one good pair of jeans and a pair of shoes at someplace like Nordstrom Rack, then wear them with cute tops from Target. Also, invest in a push-up bra that fits and you’ll look as perky as someone with a boob job.
4. Skin – Sunscreen, self-tanner and moisturizer can do wonders to keep you looking youthful, and so can many of the low-priced cosmetic lines in the drugstore. Also, many day spas offer discounts on facials during their slow weekday times, so take advantage of that. As far as Botox goes, it’s up to you whether or not you think it’s worth the money to look like Nicole Kidman in a windstorm.
So that’s it, Maddy. Try one or all of these tips and you’ll look more like those hotties in your neighborhood in no time. And if you don’t, I wouldn’t worry about it too much because it’s really what’s on the inside that counts.
Yeah, I said it.
Today we have a Guest Mouthy Housewife, filling in for me, while I “rest.” Carolyn’s fantastic blog is Carolyn… on Line and if you’re not a regular reader yet, prepare yourself for a treat! Carolyn also co-authored a book. Not that I’m jealous or anything. -Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve been dating this guy for two months. He’s great. Really sweet, cute and fun. Here’s the problem: I have the biggest crush on his roommate Mike. I think about the roommate all the time. How can I tell my guy that I just want to be friends and start dating the roommate? Can the switch be done?
Lusting From Afar
Dear Lusting From Afar,
If my math skills are at all what they used to be, then I smell a threesome. That would make it pretty clear to all involved that you are attracted to both of the bedrooms in the apartment. Of course that has the potential to label you as “that-slutty-girl-we-hooked-up-with-that-time-after-all-those-tequila-shots,”, so maybe we should just call the threesome Plan B.
As for Plan A: I don’t see how you can keep dating the guy you’ve been seeing. We’ll call him “Ex-Date” since I don’t know his name. I know there’s some school of thought about keeping a bird in the hand and not wasting time on the one in the bush *ahem* but you’re not interested in Ex-Date enough to keep this up. And it isn’t fair to anyone to keep up the charade just so you can keep running into Mike, the crushy roommate.
So first things first, you need to stop seeing Ex-Date. And you need to find a way to do it where he won’t hate you in the end. Be kind. Keep it short. Be honest that you feel like you’ve become more friends than lovuhs. Then you need to have an honest conversation with Mike. Not one of those tipsy “accidentally” running into him in the bar and flip-the-hair and flirt shamelessly kind of conversations, either. A sober, honest talk. Tell Mike that you decided to stop seeing Ex-Date because you were attracted to him instead, and that you felt that it wasn’t fair to Ex-Date.
Then you have to wait. If they’re just roommates and Mike is attracted to you, then you’ll probably be busy on Friday night. But if they’re more – if they’re actually friends – then you have to deal with the Guy Code. The Guy Code is treacherous territory and it’s futile for us women to try and understand it. But Mike is going to have to be the one to decide how far it can go with you after reviewing all pertinent rulings and edicts in the Code book.
Sorry Lusty, that’s just the lay of the land where Guy Code is involved. Hopefully in the end they’ll both appreciate that you were honest and that you let them have a say in the outcome instead sneaking in a break-up and then throwing yourself at Mike.
If that doesn’t work, it’s off to Plan B. I suggest you buy the really good tequila.
Carolyn, Guest TMH
A great way to promote family bonding is to hold a weekly Game Night. However, don’t fret if you can’t afford to buy any of those pricey board or video games. Instead, have some old-fashioned fun with fabulous, fun and cost-free games, like “What’s That Smell In The Fridge?” or “Guess Who’s Mommy’s Favorite?” By the time you’re playing your second round of “Why I Hate Uncle Roger,” your family will be tighter than ever.