Take This Ring And Get Me A Different One!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend just proposed! I’m so excited. I love him dearly and of course said “yes.” But I HATE the ring. Just hate it. He obviously missed all my hints about the perfect ring because this one is totally not my style. He will be heartbroken if I tell him, but I don’t want to wear this thing for the next 50 years. What do I do?
Love,
Ringer
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Dear Ringer,
Congratulations on your engagement! And on your optimism that your marriage will last fifty years. And that even if it does, you won’t have to hock the ring at some point to make ends meet in this economy. Ah, young love.
For future reference, by which I mean for the next time that you get engaged, the best way to hint is to find the ring you like online, and email the link to the guy with the words “Me likey” in the body of the message. Repeat as needed.
But for now, you have a guy you love and a ring that you don’t. Which is so much better than the other way around.
To remedy this, you can take one of two routes. First, tell him gently and lovingly that although the ring is beautiful, it doesn’t quite fit you. You know, a good ol’ “it’s not your ring, it’s me.” It’s too heavy, it’s too light, it’s not diamondy enough, it’s too cubic zirconiayi. You can do it. Marisa Tomei got an Oscar for less.
If you prefer the honest route, take a deep breath and tell him. Tell him that you love him (right?) and are excited about your life together, but you want a different ring. Say it like you’re ripping off a band-aid and don’t look back. His feelings may be hurt (although unless he mined that diamond himself, I don’t foresee a lot of sleepless nights for him over this issue), but it will be over and will not remain a lingering issue between you.
May this be the biggest problem that the two of you face in the next fifty years!
Best,
Marinka, TMH
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La Chaim
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Impromptu Play Dates Are Not My Thing
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a stay at home mom with three kids. My next door neighbor’s kid keeps dropping by to see if my kids want to play. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were once a week or so, but it’s nearly every single day. Sometimes I pull into the driveway and I haven’t even turned off the car yet and the kid is standing outside my car door. I think she is just bored. But just because I have three kids does not mean I am running Romper Room over here. We have homework to do and I have dinner to cook. I like predictability and I like my schedule. Impromptu play dates are not my thing. I don’t want to be rude and I kind of feel sorry for her but how do I put an end to her daily requests to play?
Signed,
Annoyed
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Dear Annoyed,
I don’t blame you. If this were happening to me I would be annoyed too, unless it meant I could say, “Sure you all can play…over at your house!” Then I would have time to kick up my heels and pursue the oldest and noblest of housewife traditions: sitting on the couch and eating bonbons.
(I like to update that noble tradition so that bonbons = wine.)
(Okay, in reality, I’d probably pick up the house and admire its neatness for the brief five minutes it would last, knowing it will all come to an end the second my kids step back through the door.)
Do you think you could get the neighbor to feed your kids the after-school snack while they are over there? In this economy, you have to look for creative ways to save. Maybe that’s why your neighbor continues to send her child over to play at your house: so you’ll feed her. Oh, we’re onto her now. Start giving the child things like tofu spinach wraps for a snack. If that doesn’t keep her from coming over then the child must be an alien, and in that case, give her whatever she wants to avoid midnight anal probes.
Yours anally intact,
Heather, TMH
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Sooner or Later, We All Want To Sleep Alone
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a single mother of two. My son (4) is a party animal. He could stay up until 2 a.m. if I let him, whereas my daughter (2) has to be in bed by 8:30ish or little miss Crabby comes out. The problem is that they both sleep with me. This was something my ex-husband started and now I can’t/ don’t know how to break them of this habit.
Shy of drugging my oldest or knocking him out, how do I get him into his own bed? They share a room together. I would like my bed back. I can no longer stand to be beaten by flying limbs and poked by toddler size 12 feet! I need a serious intervention!
Signed,
There’s Always an Elbow in My Face
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Dear There’s Always an Elbow,
In order to fix this problem, you must be committed because you may face some serious resistance from your toddlers. So stay strong, and any time you feel weak and want to just let them back into your bed, imagine coming home from a date with a new hottie boyfriend, leading him seductively up to your bedroom and finding your bed packed with sleeping, drooling children. Say goodbye to that Action Jackson because Hottie boyfriend is going to find himself a girl with less baggage in bed.
So now are you committed to doing this? Okay, then let’s move on. Set the same bedtime for both of your children since they are close in age and also share a room. (I would recommend 7:30 or 8 p.m.) Have a predictable bedtime routine that includes bath, books and songs. Start early enough so that you are tucking them in by 7:30 and that way all their attempts to procrastinate should be over by 8.
Let them know that if they sleep in their own beds, they can have a handful of M&M’s for breakfast. Yes, you heard me mama, M&M’s for breakfast. Parents have been using this chocolate treat for years as a way to potty train kids, so there’s no reason it can’t work as a reward for good bedtime behavior, too. (You can also try some other incentive like a sticker chart, but my kids think stickers are the most overrated toy on the planet.)
Now obviously you won’t give them M&M’s forever (unless your dental insurance is way better than mine) but it will serve as an bribe incentive until they are in the bedtime groove. Get them ready for this new routine by letting them pick out new sheets for their bedroom or maybe a stuffed animal or babydoll for their bed. And get a cool nightlight as well.
For the first few nights, you may need to lie down on a sleeping bag beside your 2 year-old in order for her to feel secure falling asleep, since I’m assuming she’s never slept alone. But eventually they’ll both get used to it (I promise or you can ship them over to my house).
During this process, do not cave and let them back into your bed or you will start all over again. Just remember the hottie boyfriend. In your bed. The two of you alone. This is your future.
Good luck to you and let us know how it goes!
Love,
Kelcey, TMH
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The Naked Daughter-In-Law Incident
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Last weekend I was staying at my husband’s parents’ house and my father-in-law accidentally saw me getting out of the shower—-naked. Now what do I do?
Signed,
Daughter-(In-The-Buff)-In-Law
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Dear DITBIL,
First of all, ewwwww. Second of all, you can stop freaking out because I really don’t think your father-in-law seeing you naked is that big of a deal; I’m sure that type of thing has happened to a lot of women. In fact, now that I think of it, I may have even seen something like that happen in a movie once. Okay, so the movie was on Skinemax at 1 a.m., and it was called “Father-In-Law Fantasies IV,” but still—-no big whoop.
That is, no big whoop unless you’ve noticed a change in your father-in-law’s behavior ever since he saw you shakin’ your soaped up money maker. For example, is he now eager to sit right next to you at dinner? Has he mentioned your Hello Kitty pelvic tattoo in the family newsletter? Or, God forbid, has the old man recently taken your husband aside and said, “Son, I noticed your wife doesn’t seem to believe in Brazilian waxing, but if you ask me, she’s a really great candidate”?
If any of that has happened, change your name and move to another state as soon as you’re done reading this post. Trust me.
However, if nothing of the sort is going on and your FIL has remained silent, my advice is that you take the same approach. After all, bringing up the shower scene will just embarrass you both all over again, and odds are he’s already weirded out by what happened. Since he’s also probably very worried that he’s upset you, it’s best for you to just pretend it never happened.
But don’t be surprised if he gives you a really, really, really big Christmas gift this year.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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