Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am married to a wonderful man. He’s neat, he’s considerate, and he’s in great shape. However, I’ve heard rumors around the neighborhood that people think he’s gay. Trust me–we have an amazing sex life, and we are as happy as we can be. What can I do to quash these rumors? Or should I even care?
He’s Not Gay, Just Happy
Dear In Denial, I mean, Dear He’s Not Gay, Just Happy,
I could get all psychobabbly on you and ask why it bothers you that people think that your husband is gay. I mean, if someone wants to spread vicious rumors that I’m a supermodel with an IQ to match, I’m not going to get bent out of shape. And not just because that would require some intense calisthenics. No, because I am secure in the knowledge that it’s just an ugly rumor.
But let’s say, that for your own personal reasons, it is important to you that everyone know that your husband is heterosexual. This can be accomplished with some behavior modification.
The first thing you have to do is not tell anyone that you have a great sex life, because nothing screams “beard” like a wife telling everyone how great her husband is in bed.
Second, have your husband practice walking around the living room with one hand down his pants and the other on the remote control. Once he is comfortable doing this, have him add a belch or two and then you can take the act out in public!
Third, have your husband learn to fix his eyes on a woman’s breasts when talking to her. Again, at-home practice is crucial to its success. Why not help him along by placing some stickers on the breasticle area of your blouse to help him focus. If you are especially well endowed, why not affix a Liza cd to one breast and a the Best of Barbra to the other.
At the end, though, you should take some solace in the rumors. Because they are jealous. The rumormongers think that your husband is simply too good to be true, and the only way they can live with their rude, slovenly pudgnik is if they reassure themselves that your husband is Brokebacking.
You may not be able to change their minds. But they will not be able to change his sexuality.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Just between “boo” and me, I hate this time of year. I’m surrounded by mothers who actually sew their kids’ Halloween costumes every year. My kids wouldn’t recognize a sewing machine if it fell out of the sky and cracked ’em in the head. When I grew up, a plastic Darth Vader mask and cape from Target was what everyone wore. It used to not bother me, but the neighbors keep upping the ante. They hosted a Haunted House in their yard last year that made my scarecrow and bird display look like it came from the Dollar Store. I hate to be a party pooper, but I’m ready to just turn out the lights and keep the candy to myself.
Dear Halloween Hater,
When I grew up Target barely had any stores, so obviously I’m dressing up as an old granny this year, no costume required. I have the opposite childhood experience: my mother did sew our costumes every year. Of course, I think she did it because we were too poor to buy store costumes, and not because my mom had a large ego she had to express through her children.
Now I’m grown up and, as a recovered over-achieving mom, I’ve both bought and made costumes. I have one son who always chooses wacky costumes, I’m sure just to cause me anxiety attacks. No store carries his kind of costumes, such as a naked sole. My other son, though, dresses up as a Star Wars character almost every year and I can zip right into Target to buy his.
I admit I enjoy the ease of purchasing a costume since it leaves more time to plan special Halloween-themed cocktails. Yet I enjoy the challenge of making the wacky costumes, too. I can’t speak for your neighbors, but my intent was never to one-up anyone by hand-making a costume. My purpose was very self-centered – to have fun with my kid.
Don’t boo-hoo over Halloween because of your neighbors. Remember: their over-achieving tendencies have nothing to do with you. In fact, they are probably a bit self-absorbed like me and aren’t even thinking about you.
Enjoy the fruits of their labor by having fun at their haunted house. This is a win-win situation for you because #1 you didn’t have to do the work and #2 it frees up your time to think of crappy treats to hand out to those teenagers who are way too old to be trick-or-treating. (Personally, I plan to hand them cute Halloween treat bags filled with cat litter.)
Years down the road, your children won’t remember their outdoor decorations. What they will remember is the fun, so forget about the Joneses and do whatever it is that makes Halloween fun for you.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I had dinner with a divorced friend that I don’t see that frequently and she was telling me about her new boyfriend and I don’t know what got into me, other than a few cocktails, and I asked her if they were having anal sex. And she said “Yes! It’s the best!” And then I felt like a prude because I’m an exit only girl AND I feel very awkward around her. Should I apologize for asking? Never talk to her again?
Signed, An Exit Only Girl
Dear Exit Only,
As you can imagine, we get the “I’m so embarrassed because I asked my friend about her anal sex life” question CONSTANTLY so it’s really about time that we answered it.
Now when you say, you had a “few cocktails” do you mean like a vat of margaritas? Has your buzz even worn off yet? Well, even if you are still a bit tipsy, let’s tackle this problem.
My advice is to let it go. Judging from your friend’s exuberant response, “Yes! It’s the best!” I hardly think she was offended. And yes, you may feel awkward because you now have a serious visual when it comes to your friend’s sex life. But just imagine the awkwardness when you try to apologize when the two of you are sober.
But don’t stop talking to her either. Just send her off a fun, breezy email that says, “So fun having drinks with you and getting some much needed girl talk. Let’s do it again soon.”
If you just can’t let it go (and take it from a girl who is still pissed off about the color of the reception chairs at her wedding, I understand not being able to let something go), then have a conversation with her. But keep it light. For gosh sakes, don’t mention the word “anal.” Do not say, “I’m sorry I asked if you were having anal sex. But I think it’s great that you are. I mean, how awesome! Yahoo for you. And your boyfriend of course. Not that I do it. Because I don’t. But it’s so great that you do!!”
Instead, just say something like, “I had so much fun the other night! I hope the conversation didn’t get too personal. I’m sorry if it did. It’s just so nice to have a real conversation with someone.” And leave it at that.
And the next time you find yourself feeling a bit too inquisitive, excuse yourself and hit the powder room to refresh your lip gloss.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve switched schools a couple times and now I’m having trouble finding friends. I recently moved back to my old neighborhood but my old friends there have really changed. When I last met them, we were honor students. Now, some of these people are flunking their classes and acting really immature. They can, at times, be shallow, conceited, lewd, and all of that, but I sort of still want to be their friend. The problem is that they don’t want to talk to me anymore. What do I do?
Dear School Sucks,
I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think back to 1985. (Yes, I know you weren’t alive back then, but let’s just get in the WayBack machine for a moment.) Okay, it’s the mid-80’s and we see a slightly chubby girl with a big, blonde perm. A girl who loves Wham! and Ray-Bans and acid wash jeans. We watch the girl happily hanging out with her group of friends at Contempo Casuals in the mall, but then–oh, no! Tragedy strikes! The girl is devastated to find out that she has to move 3,000 miles away—-right before the start of her Junior year in high school! What ever will she do now?
Well, here’s what I, I mean the slightly chubby girl, did: since she didn’t know anyone, she decided to make a fresh start. She was nice to everyone, she studied hard, she ignored the obnoxious, wild kids, and she tried to just be herself. (Not always easily done, and kind of a cliche, but that last thing’s pretty crucial.) After a few months of Saturday nights spent at home with her parents, the girl finally joined a few clubs, started playing sports, and lo and behold, she met a couple of really cool friends who liked her for who she was and held the same values that she did. And the best part is, they’re still her close friends over 20 years later.
What I’m trying to tell you is, you should make a fresh start, too. Don’t get hung up on the kids you used to know. They’ve changed, but you’ve probably changed a little, too. Middle school and high school are all about forming your own identity, about finding out who you are, what you’re all about and where you fit in. It may not seem like it, but that’s exactly what the “shallow, conceited, and lewd” kids are doing, too. (And here’s a little secret: all of them are completely insecure, too.) (And most of them will be fat and bald and working at Jiffy Lube by your 10-year reunion.)
So do what it is you like. Do what you think is fun. And chances are, while you’re doing it, you’re going to meet a lot of new friends. Before long, you’ll forget all about those kids you “used to know” and school will a piece of cake. You’ll be just fine.
Oh, and one last thing: promise me that if you happen to see a slightly chubby girl with a big, blonde perm one day in the lunchroom, you’ll go over and say “hi.” I hear she’s trying to start up a Wham! fan club.
All the best,