2009 September | The Mouthy Housewives

19 Sep

TMH Seal of Approval

A little less prestigious than an Oscar, but way more kick ass than a People’s Choice Award, it’s The Mouthy Housewives’ Seal of Approval! This week our favorite post was the hilarious Desperately Seeking on I Eat My Kidz Snacks’ blog. She’s looking for a new wife. You interested?

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18 Sep

Flushing Out a Potty Mouth

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My seven-year-old son loves potty talk. It’s poop this, fart that, butt everywhere. They are not curse words, but it still bothers and embarrasses me. He says that it makes him and his friends laugh. My husband is no help because he just weighs in with a “freedom of speech” argument. What do I do?

Signed,

Possibly Prudish

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Dear Possibly Prudish,

Congratulations! Laughing at body parts and bodily functions is not only age appropriate for seven year-olds, it is a life skill that can be honed well into adulthood. I suspect that your husband will agree.

And let’s face it–it is cheap humor. Where else can you get such reasonable entertainment in today’s economy? For the cost of few moments of mortification, your child is laughing and happy. That’s what we call a “win-win.” Except for the whole thing about you thinking it’s offensive.

I recommend finding times and places where your son can indulge in this type of humor that is acceptable to you.

This is what I did with my kids: Influenced by the Clinton White House, I instituted the “if I don’t hear it, it doesn’t exist” rule, a close relative of the “don’t ask don’t tell.” My kids are allowed to indulge in potty talk in places that I will not have to hear it. In their rooms, for example. Or in church.

If they break that rule and tell a fart joke at the dinner table, I send them to their room to laugh it off. And while they’re gone, I eat their dessert.

As for your husband’s concerns about your son’s civil liberties being in peril, I recommend that you solve that problem by reading your entire family a modified version of the Miranda warning. Here is the text for handy reference:

You have the right not to use potty talk. If you use potty talk at the dinner table, you will be sent to your room. Using potty talk is inappropriate and will be used against you.

If it’s good enough for the U.S. Supreme Court, it should be good enough for your family.

Smooches,

Marinka, TMH

It’s a TMH Book Giveaway! The wonderful Izzy Rose from Stepmother’s Milk has a wonderful new memoir out called The Package Deal: My (Not So) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom and we’ll be giving a copy away to one lucky reader this week! To enter, simply leave a comment on any post this week, and for an additional entry, send us a question to answer to ask@mouthyhousewives.com and you’ll be entered to win. (Questions will be posted anonymously!) Good luck!

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17 Sep

Kids Are Way Better Than Pop Tarts

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have two kids (under five) and my husband will take them grocery shopping with him. But if he forgets something once he is in the checkout line, he’ll leave the kids at the check-out line and go grab the strawberries or milk or whatever he forgot. I have yelled at him for doing this. Does he understand that a child can be snatched in two seconds? He would never leave his iPhone by itself in the grocery store. Thoughts on how to make him understand? Or am i just being overprotective?

Signed,

Concerned
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Dear Concerned,

I don’t want to take sides here as all of us at The Mouthy Housewives try to stay as neutral as possible, but I have to say on this one? You’re right, you’re right, you’re right. Not only are the kids ripe for snatching but they could just as easily wander away, out the door and into the parking lot.

To some that might sound extreme, but if you’ve ever seen how fast my daughter can run you’d understand why I am saying this. However, if I have learned one thing in this world, it’s that yelling never works, unless my kid is about to put herself in some serious danger or someone cuts me off in traffic. And even then I’m more prone to signal my frustration using my sign language skills. Okay, one skill, one which happens to involve the use of my middle finger.

At risk of sounding utterly ancient, are you familiar with the cartoon strip Charlie Brown? Well, in this strip, there is one character, a teacher and whenever she speaks, all Charlie hears is, “Wah, wah. Wah wah, wah wah.” Now, I can promise you that when you yell at your husband, in his mind, he’s pretty much hearing the same thing. I once read somewhere that the quieter you speak the more it forces someone to listen to what you are saying. Why? Because people have a natural curiosity, and if they can’t hear you right off the bat, they will stop what they are doing and really pay attention. What book did I read this in? Was I sitting on the toilet at the time? I have no idea, but it really stuck with me.

I am sure it can be very frustrating to have to remind someone over and over again to do something that would seem like it should be instinctual. But don’t forget these (men) people are the same ones who would consider it a banner day if they got to stay home and watch the big game and porn. And if they could do so simultaneously, all the better.

My suggestion would be to actually have him help you out in other ways, ways that would never end in a ransom call, for starters. Give him something else to do, maybe something that would even involve his iPhone, but above all would help make your day easier. In a perfect world, pick something that he already knows how to do or involves some form of pleasure for him, and I’ll bet he’ll get it right every time.

Good luck,

Jessica, TMH

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16 Sep

It’s the Potty Train, Toot Toot.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

As a mother of boys, did you receive backhanded compliments and comments on their potty-training, especially from mothers of all girls? At almost 24 months, my son is potty training now with great success and progressing much faster than his sister did at this age. However, ALL I hear from his nursery school teachers, and other moms there, is how early it is, especially for boys. One mom actually said, “I tried it with my daughter but she got angry and I found it really is BETTER not to push it.” I got defensive and told her we were following his lead and not pushing it. One day my son ripped off his diaper, sat on the potty and peed so we moved forward from there. We just make it fun. We “ride the potty train, toot, toot” and mom does the silly potty dance when he’s successful.

I keep getting comments that I’m pushing him and boys just take longer. Everyone I talk to paints boys with the same brush of low expectations. I’m so tempted to say something like, “Don’t resent me because my son is beautiful and brilliant! Just come ride the potty train with us – it’s fun, toot, toot! ” Or “Keep your comments to yourself.”

What’s your opinion on this? Have any ideas on what I should say the next time some one tells me how damn early it is or implies that I’m pushing him?

Sincerely,
The Potty Train Conductor

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Dear Potty Train Conductor,

As a mom of two boys, I have to say I didn’t receive much in the way of compliments or comments on their potty training, good or bad. This leads me to wonder exactly what your son is making in the potty that has people so interested in his bowel movements. Is it liquid gold, like crude oil? Or does his poop have the face of the Virgin Mary on them? It must be something phenomenal and marketable to make them care so.

Fortunately for you and me, I experienced both sides of this particular spin-off battle of the Mommy Wars and so I am a bidet of potty training wisdom.

My oldest son was (excuse the pun) a huge turd to potty train. He alone taught me the truth that sometimes it is best not to push. He didn’t respect my previous experience as a cheerleader nor any of the potty cheers I made up for him. Color-coated chocolate treats and stickers had no effect whatsoever. He was over three before he finally potty trained.

On the other hand, my youngest son potty trained before he was two-and-a-half. In fact, it was right after a stressful move to a new city, which between you and me proves his intellectual edge over his peers. No, seriously, Parker did teach me that sometimes boys do potty train earlier on their own without any pushing from an overachieving parent. Besides, the last I checked, Harvard isn’t awarding scholarships based on how early someone potty-trained.

Currently (and for whatever reasons), a boy who potty trains well before three is considered early. The next time it comes up, simply agree with them that yes, your son did potty train early and that Ivy League colleges showed interest in his accomplishment too. If it’s implied you are pushing him, keep in mind these are insecure people showing concern over a strange child’s bowel movements. Should we really care what they think?

Happy flushing to you and yours,
Heather, TMH

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15 Sep

Can a Donkey and an Elephant Get Along?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My mother and her cousin are both in their late sixties and have managed to maintain a fairly close relationship over the years, despite the fact that they are polar opposites. One of them is prim, religious and staunchly Republican. The other is rebellious, has no tolerance for organized religion and very much a Democrat. But they can really enjoy each other’s company as long as they avoid talking about politics and religion.

Yet no matter what, the conversation devolves into a political/religious debate, with each of them coming away with bad feelings. My problem is that I am sick and tired of my mother telling me about her frustration with some “stupid” thing that her cousin has said. Do you have any thoughts about how to teach my mother to avoid taboo subjects or how to help me deal with her bitching?

Sincerely,

Sick of Family Politics

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Dear Sick of Family Politics,

Let me first give you some hope. I actually know of couples where one spouse is a conservative Republican and the other spouse is a liberal Democrat and somehow they manage to get along and stay happily married. Obviously, they avoid talking about politics and I’m pretty sure they have separate residences during a presidential election year. But still, it is possible for two people who have different ideologies to coexist.

Now let me crush your hope. You mentioned your mother and your cousin are in their late sixties so we can pretty much assume that neither of them is going to change their behavior at this point. I have given up the dream that someday my 66 year-old mother will learn how to turn on her cable and select a channel from the digital menu. It’s just not going to happen. Older people don’t tend to pick up a lot of new habits.

So the best thing you can do is accept that these ladies ain’t changing. They are going to be arguing, God willing, for many healthy years to come. But you need to get out of the middle. You need to tell your mother very firmly that you no longer want to hear her rants about her cousin. She needs to identify a friend who has the same political/religious leanings as herself. Then every time she needs to vent about her terribly misguided cousin, she will call that person. NOT you.

If she forgets and tries use you as a sounding board, gently remind her that she needs to call her friend. If that still doesn’t work, let her know that every time she complains to you, you will donate $1 to the political party she does NOT support. Show her the receipts. That should definitely do it.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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