24 Sep
Take My In-Laws, Please!

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23 Sep
When Interpreting Preschool Art, Don’t Be a Pervert

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

What do you do when your 4-year-old daughter brings home her artwork from daycare and it looks like this?

tracedscissors

I didn’t know what to say. I just stared at it for a few minutes, trying to keep my composure and not burst out laughing.   After I had control of myself, I asked her about the drawing:

Me: Did you draw this at school today
Daughter: Yes
Me: Where did you see that phrase “No Girls Allowed”
Daughter: It’s on a sign in our room
Me: Oh. Ok. Well what about this? What is this thing you drew?
Daughter: Scissors, mommy. I traced them.
Me (in my head): Thank you lord! Scissors, that’s great. Whew!
Me (outloud): Where are the handles?
Daughter: We went to the playground so I didn’t have enough time to trace the inside of the handles.

Oh, the innocence of a child!

Sincerely,
Mind in the Gutter

_________________________________________________________

Dear Mind in the Gutter,

First off, we are sisters of the same mind; mine lives in the gutter too. Let me share with you a picture of a baseball player my son brought home in Kindergarten:

penis

The good news is that my son didn’t draw it. The bad news is that it was on master copy of the book and given to every kindergartener in the class, which means somewhere along the line, before this little learn-to-read book made it into the classroom curriculum, someone drew it in. That’s a lot less innocent than a child tracing scissors.

Evidently I was the first parent to ever notice the penis and point it out to the teacher. You can imagine how that conversation went: Oh hi, sweet, grandmotherly-type kindergarten teacher. Did you happen to notice the PENIS on the back of this book? A defining moment in my life for sure, having to point out a penis to this particular teacher. It was like showing Mother Teresa the centerfold in Playgirl magazine.

It sounds as if you handled the situation perfectly so I have no advice to give you. But perhaps other people can learn from you not to   judge a drawing by its penis and to always ask a child about their drawing before jumping to perverted conclusions.

Sincerely,
Heather, TMH

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22 Sep
Tip of the Week

If you’ve called in sick to work, but have been really enjoying a much needed mental health day, make sure to leave off your make up when you return to the office.  You bare face will lend credibility to the “under the weather” excuse and you will look like you’re just getting over that little something.

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22 Sep
Laid Off and Not Getting Laid

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband has been out of work for six months. It sucks. My youngest kid just started kindergarten. After we get them off to school, we both wander back to bed — no kids, no job. Is it normal that no sex happens?

Signed,

Sleeping in Bed

______________________________

Dear Sleeping in Bed,

Oh you poor girl. I hate that you’ve been worrying for one millisecond over this. Thank goodness you’ve sought the counsel of us Mouthy Housewives. Of course, it’s completely normal. What would be totally abnormal and darn right crazy is if you bounced back into bed every morning and actually had sex.

Honestly, I’ve never understood the allure of morning sex. Bad breath, pillow face wrinkles and bright daylight are not aphrodisiacs in my book. I prefer my sex in the dark, after a few cocktails and with a hot stranger with abs like a washboard. I mean, with my husband. So stop fretting over the lack of a.m. action and enjoy some much deserved rest.

However, it is important that you keep your sex life alive. You both may not be in the mood during this financially stressful time but sometimes you just have to put “Melrose Place” on pause and make it happen. Trust me when I say, a little hanky panky can actually make you momentarily forget that you’re on a spending freeze.   The wine will help you forget the rest of the time.

Now if your husband still wants to get busy on the occasional morning and you’re not interested, no need to get worried. Just point him in the direction of his computer and tell him to to get busy on that resume.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

I don’t know about you but sometimes reading is just so much work. Starting this Thursday, we’ll give you a break here on The Mouthy Housewives and the super talented Jessica will dole out advice each week via video.   You’ll just have to sit back and press play.   We’ve also asked Jessica to bring you coffee but she balked at that one so apparently it’s BYOC.

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21 Sep
My Husband’s Oversharing on Facebook

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Every time my husband has an orgasm, he likes to update his Facebook status with ‘I just had an orgasm!’ He gets lots of thumbs up ‘I like this’ from his friends and lots of comments like ‘Way to go, douche!’   This only encourages him and I’m very embarrassed by it all. Thankfully, none of my mom friends are on his FB, just his guy friends. Should I be worried?

Signed,

Facebook Freakout

_________________

Dear Facebook Freakout,

Huh. Well, this certainly is a new one. Allow me to just pick my jaw up off the floor and yelp, “What the f**k!?” a few times before I even attempt to answer your question.

OK, all better.

Now, is your husband 16-years-old? Does he work in a locker room? Is his name Kanye West? Or is he just a garden variety, inconsiderate jackass? Because what he’s doing to the privacy of your marriage is just beyond the pale. Totally beyond, my friend. So beyond that you couldn’t even see it with the Hubble Space Telescope if you tried, that’s how beyond we’re talking here. Yikes.

But let’s assume that he’s not a major league d-bag, rather he’s just caught up in our narcissistic culture in which every thought, word and deed has to be blogged, texted or Twittered about. Maybe he thinks, “Well, I tell my friends when I go to Home Depot, so why not let them know when I just got my rocks off with my wife, too?” If that’s the case, then simply tell him that he’s oversharing in a BIG way, and to knock it the hell off because it’s making you very upset.

If, however, he’s telling his FB friends that he scored because he thinks it’s cool or funny, then I have another, less civil tactic for you to take. The next time he updates his status with, “I just had an orgasm!”, get up, go straight to your computer and promptly update your Facebook status with the words, “I just faked it!”

Problem solved.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

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