30 Sep
Don’t Raise a Bigot: Talking to Your Kids About Race

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

OK, here’s one for you: my son said to me out of the blue: “I don’t like dark-skinned people.”

It freaked me out. How did I give birth to a racist? He’s only four, almost five. One of his favorite preschool teachers is African-American (a woman who I’ve considered asking to adopt me, she’s so wonderful). He absolutely adores her so when he said that, I asked, “Really? Even Miss Denise?” and he thought for a minute and said, “Well, not Miss Denise. I love her. But everyone else who’s dark-skinned.” I’ve been told I shouldn’t lecture him about it, because that will make him dig in his heels. But I want to exorcise this racism demon that has possessed my kid!

Help!!

Freaked-Out White Liberal Mom (FOWLM)

P.S. He also lately drew a stick-figure man, complete with striped tie and American flag, and told me it was “Daddy. No, ‘Rock’ Obama. No, daddy. No, Rock Obama.” If he’s getting his dad mixed up with the African-American president, obviously his feelings about African-Americans can’t be that bad. Or am I grasping at straws?

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Dear FOWLM,

As a white person who grew up in Alabama in the 1970′s, a time when some people still thought desegregation was a bad idea, I feel I can say with some authority that no, you are not grasping at straws. I don’t think you need to keep count of your white bed sheets just yet.

I do understand you freaking out though. Four years ago, I received a phone call from my son’s kindergarten teacher because he absolutely refused to stand by an African-American classmate during pictures, to the point of throwing a tantrum over it. (Just so you know, it’s impossible to die from mortification because if it were possible, I would be writing this from The Other Side.) Of course, this is the same kindergarten teacher that I showed penis drawings to and blew off classroom volunteer work for a nooner. I don’t know what keeps her from nominating us for family of the year.

To think I prided myself on my sons’ seemingly natural acceptance of skin color. And in Alabama too! My husband and I never talked about race because we thought it to be a non-issue; our kids just accepted differences with what we thought was modern open-mindedness. (Really, where is that family of the year award?)

As I found out the hard way, young children do get to an age where they begin to notice differences and can form their own weird hypotheses to explain it. I agree lecturing will not help the situation (when does it ever?), and sometimes these crazy ideas pass on their own, never to be thought of again.

For us, though, I decided to discover what misconception was underlying my son’s sudden issue with race rather than hope it would go away on its own. It was a painless process and, thankfully, reverse brainwashing was not needed, nor was exorcism, which is good news in this economy since either treatment would be expensive. Once we knew what was going on in his head, we easily proved his thinking false and he immediately came back around to the truth, which is that we’re all a part of the human race.

Namaste,

Heather, TMH

P.S. My son declared last November that if Obama didn’t win the election, he would defect to the Caribbean. Obviously I don’t need to watch my white bed sheets closely either.  I think we both can relax.

This week on The Mouthy Housewives, we are giving away a simply divine diaper bag from Baby Star. It’s so gorgeous, you don’t even need a baby to use it. Trust me, the other moms will be silently stewing in envy. Click here to find out about the giveaway and how to enter.

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29 Sep
Take the Low Road or the Very Low Road?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My mom is one of 7 children and I am one of the oldest of many cousins. Three times now, one of my aunts has hosted a family celebration at her home and not invited my sister and me. We are the only ones not invited and the only ones with small children. This same aunt visited my house and brought a gift after my younger child was born and comes to every party that I host (Christenings, 1st birthdays, summer parties) and has a great time!

To some degree, I can understand not wanting to have small children at your home. Ironically, her son was the worst behaved of all the grandchildren when he was younger. However, her rudeness drives us nuts. My son’s 1st birthday party is coming up and I’m not sure how to handle the situation.   Invite her or make a statement and purposefully exclude her?

Sincerely,

Sick of Being Left Out

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Dear Sick of Being Left Out,

First of all, your aunt is very rude and just know, The Mouthy Housewives have your back if there’s some kind of showdown over this. It appears that your aunt is suffering from Childmessaphobia. Never heard of it? I guess you’re not a doctor. Lucky for you my DVR is stuffed full of medical dramas and I can fill you in. I practically convinced myself I was a paramedic during that long “ER” run.

Childmessaphobia is a condition where your aunt’s love of children diminishes the closer those children get to her white rugs, silk flowers and family china. So she loves your kids plenty in your home but that adoration vanishes completely once those very same kids are running like crazy bandits through her own house.

In regards to your son’s first birthday party, you have three options.

1. Do not invite your aunt to the party. I mean, why should you constantly host her rude arse if she isn’t gracious enough to include you in family celebrations?!

2. Invite her for the day after the party and when she gets there, apologize for the mix-up, offer her a piece of day old cake and then ask if she can watch the kids for a few hours while you run to the gym.

3. Call her on the phone and tell her how you feel about the whole situation. This is probably the most mature thing to do. It could result in a new understanding of each other and a renewed relationship. Or you may get so angry that you go all Serena on her and threaten to shove a ball down her throat. It’s a gamble.

In the end, remember that this is about your family and your son’s birthday. Not her. So do what will bring you the most calmness and happiness on that day.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

This week on The Mouthy Housewives, we are giving away a simply divine diaper bag from Baby Star. It’s so gorgeous, you don’t even need a baby to use it. Trust me, the other moms will be silently stewing in envy. Click here to find out about the giveaway and how to enter.

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28 Sep
Wine Stain Removal

To remove that stubborn spot of dried wine in the bottom of your wine glass, be sure to drink the entire glass, even the last drop.

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28 Sep
Uh-oh, Mommy Had An Accident!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a young, vibrant, gorgeous (ahem) 25-year-old mother of a 3-year-old and a 10-month old baby. While they haven’t been potty trained yet, I think I have a bigger problem:   I think that I need potty training. I try to go to the bathroom as soon as I feel the need, but if I wait even a few minutes and someone tells a joke, or I cough or sneeze – it’s all over. All over me, I mean. Urine is sterile, but my coworkers don’t seem to think that’s an acceptable excuse for walking around the office in piss-stained pants and underwear. I really can’t bring myself to buy Depends. What should I do?

Signed,

Leaky Louise

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Dear Leaky Louise,

Ah, the post-baby body. It is truly a glorious thing to behold, is it not? The squishy tummy, the jiggly thighs, the boobs that look like deflated party balloons—it’s just a complete delight. Luckily, the physical stuff snaps back pretty fast for the majority of new mothers, especially the ones featured in US Weekly’s latest “Body After Baby” pictorials. (Oh, Melissa Joan Hart. How do you do it?)

But unfortunately, it sounds like your problem is one of the more more lasting pregnancy souvenirs—-that of   “urinary incontinence.” (Or as my mother used to call it, “Dammit, Wendi, why the hell’d you have to make me laugh in Macy’s? Now my pants are all wet and I look like I need to be put in a home.”)

UI is usually caused by weak pelvic floor muscles, but the good news is those muscles can easily be strengthened by doing your Kegel exercises. (I’m sure your OB/GYN would love to tell you about this in more detail. I know mine is a total Kegel freakazoid.) Some other tactics you can use to prevent embarrassing leaks are to cross your legs whenever you sneeze, cut back on caffeine, and maybe invest in a box or two of pantyliners.

But most important, go to the bathroom as soon as you think you need to go. Put down the phone, leave a meeting, stop Googling Matt Damon, whatever. Just get there. Maybe even buy a “Potty Success” chart and put gold stars on it if you think it’ll help you remember. And if that still doesn’t work, make an appointment with your doctor.

Now just to be on the safe side, stop reading and visit the bathroom before I say something funny.

Best,

Wendi, TMH

This week on The Mouthy Housewives, we are giving away a simply divine diaper bag from Baby Star. It’s so gorgeous, you don’t even need a baby to use it. Trust me, the other moms will be silently stewing in envy. Click here to find out about the giveaway and how to enter.

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25 Sep
They Call It Toilet Water for a Reason

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My brother-in-law, his wife, and child are coming to visit us soon. They are a little strange and have some quirks, but I can deal with that. The biggest problem is that they all smell really bad! I am not just talking BO either. All three of them smell like their mommy forgot to teach them how to wipe their poopy bottoms, they have dozens of animals that roam the house and seem to use the bathroom on their clothes that do not get washed. I am not the only one who notices either. They recently came to an event and when they walked into the room people actually started gagging and had the maintenance man check to see if the toilets had backed up in the bathrooms….I am not kidding! We figured that maybe they would go back to their hotel room that night and take showers, but when we met for breakfast the next day they still smelled! What can my husband or I do (besides telling them do take showers and do their laundry) when they arrive at our home to help with their horrible odor?

Signed,

Holding My Nose

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Dear Holding Nose,

Having a Diet Coke for breakfast is a quirk.  Not wiping your ass is disgusting.  Let’s not mince words:  Your in-laws smell like crap and you don’t like it.

I assume that the real question here is how the hell to keep these people out of   your house.  You don’t say how soon they will be descending on you, so it’s hard for me to advocate relocation versus a simple lock change, but I’m going to assume that time is of the essence.

And speaking of essence, I understand that theirs is offensive to you, but what about your husband?   Do his eyes water as well?   In the spirit of family harmony, I suggest sicking him on the his family.   Perhaps he could mention, in the gentlest of terms, that his wife, wouldn’t you know it, recently came down with an allergy to the odor of feces and a mere whiff   will cause much distress, medically speaking.  Reassure them that doctors are working on a cure, but until then, could they please scrub down prior to entering the premises.

If he is unable to confront them directly through lies and manipulation as I suggested above,  try the honest and direct approach. But only if absolutely necessary.   Get them a box of wipes and say, “Look, this is awkward, but I recently heard on CNN that most adults do not wipe correctly and thoroughly and MSNBC reports that it causes an unpleasant odor.  After watching an Oprah special on it, my family switched to this fine product and have never smelled fresher or been happier.  Please try it. Now.”

Good luck!

Marinka, TMH

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Hey!  Did you miss Mouthy Housewives’ Jessica Vlog advice?  It’s not too late, click here!

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