The Dingleberry Dilemma
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What is your advice for when my dog is trying to do his business but that little rogue dingleberry gets stuck and it won’t come out? Do you let him scoot it out in the grass or do you go “in country” to help?
Signed, Confused Over Dingleberries
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Dear Confused Over Dingleberries,
In the spirit of honesty (because it’s totally in vogue right now in the blogosphere), I don’t have a dog. So why have I chosen to answer your question? Because I had a dog. A dog that would have scooted from New York City all the way to New Orleans if I had let her. But mostly she just did it on our living room rug. When we had company. Especially company that didn’t care for dogs.
So obviously, I have the canine experience to help you. But just in case, I did consult with a highly regarded veterinarian who was happy to discuss “dingleberries,” “scooting” and going “in country.” I told you she was highly regarded.
She describes a dingleberry as a “small piece of stool caught in the fur by the anus.” She recommended just picking it off because who wants it to fall or get rubbed off (otherwise known as scooting) on the rug or furniture. If you’re dog has longish hair on its backend, you may want to clip it to prevent this problem.
Now if some of the stool is caught in the anus (which I think is your dog’s issue), “you would gently squeeze on either side of the anus to help it out.” Now obviously, a deep love for your dog is a necessity before you’re willing to squeeze the sides of its anus. But I’ll leave that decision up to you. My suggestion is to have a couple cocktails first.
If you’re still having a problem and considering going “in country,” I would speak to your veterinarian first because imagine how much alcohol you will need to erase that memory.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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Back-to-School Tip #2
When faced with the stress of the first day back at school, some choose to self-medicate once drop off is done. Go with something light and refreshing, such as champagne and orange juice. Never go with Irish Cream and coffee in August, unless you want to be mistaken for a menopausal woman in the throes of a hot flash. There is no antiperspirant known to man strong enough for it.
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Craft Store Smackdown
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Last night I was in my local craft store waiting in a long line because there was just one cashier. After 10 minutes, an additional cashier arrived so I started to walk over since I was the next in line. Then suddenly, some lady from the back, who hadn’t even waited in line for 10 minutes, raced over and took my spot. Totally blown away, I said, “How about you let the person who was NEXT in line go?” She agreed, but I still can’t believe that someone would be that rude. Am I the wrong one here?
Signed,
Civilized Crafter
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Dear Civilized Crafter,
Unfortunately, I don’t have much experience shopping in craft stores. After I nearly blinded myself with a pipe cleaner while trying to make a fun, decorative wreath in 1993, I decided it was better for everyone if I put my glue gun back into its holster and took up the less dangerous hobby of drunken skateboarding. So far it’s worked out well.
That said, I have certainly found myself in your situation many, many times in the past. There you are, patiently waiting in line to buy the new Jonas Bros. CD that’s going to be like, so totally amazing, and minutes before you get it into your hot, little hands, some preteen jackass jumps in line in front of you and snags the very last one. Without even asking you for cut-sies!
People have lost their lives for less.
Now, did you handle the Crazed Crafter in the appropriate manner? I’d say so. Of course, one would hope that the cashier could have handled this for you, since you were indeed the next in line. (They always do an excellent job of that at Costco.) But since the line-jumper’s time is no more important than yours, you have every right to speak up for yourself. But next time, I’d advise against the aggressive approach and maybe try a more gentle, “I guess you didn’t notice, but I was next.”
After all, the woman might have been holding knitting needles.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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2-for-1 Advice from a Black Belt Certified Husband Trainer
Dear Mouthy Housewives
I’m a mom of 4 young kids going to school full time and working full time. My hubby’s side of the story is he’s a dad of 4 young kids who works full time and travels a lot. Here is my dilemma: It is pretty much my job to take care of the house and the kids. Lord knows he won’t notice when they are running out of socks, or that the baby needs diapers at daycare. Of course, he helps out on the weekends and such (when I ask him specifically what I need done). But my biggest pet peeve is that if I step out of the room and say ‘keep an eye on the baby’ he will immediately chime back with ‘Why, what are you doing?
Is it too much of me to want him to WANT to help out with his kids?
Sincerely,
Patty Peeved
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Dear Mrs. Peeved,
First, buy more socks. You are more than just the average busy mom and sock shortages in between laundry days isn’t something you have time to worry over. Buy 5 dozen.
Second, 99% of men have to be told specifically what to clean around the house. The other one percent? Has a genetic anomaly.
Third, yes, it may be too much for you to want him to WANT to help out with the kids. Who cares what he wants. Err, I mean lower your standards. Decide you want him to help with his kids without being a whiny jerk. Also, try asking instead of commanding. “Would you keep an eye on the baby?” is simply better marriage manners.
Last, conduct a gratitude experiment on your husband. Yes, it’s somewhat galling to have to show appreciation for the same things you’re just expected to do, but someone has to be the marriage shaman. Thank him for watching the baby/kids, specifically telling him how it helped you. Remember: men need specifics. For example, “Thanks for watching the kids. That break felt so good I may even be interested in sex!”
After a few weeks of this, it’s possible your husband may even WANT to watch his kids. If not, he may just be a jerk.
Heather, TMH
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Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve been married for almost ten months, and while I love my husband and would marry him again in a heartbeat, living with him is not what I expected. I’m a moderately neat person – he leaves a week’s worth of dirty clothes scattered on the floor, dishes so crusted over you could chisel commandments on them, and he wouldn’t even think about doing the litter box until the cats started peeing on him instead.
How can I get him to understand that I don’t want to spend all my spare time and weekends cleaning up after the both of us while he attaches himself to his computer? I’m concerned that when we buy a house or spawn, I won’t be able to keep up with the housework on top of my job, and I’ll be labeled a frothing pile of wifely fail.
Sincerely,
Patty Proactive
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Dear Mrs. Proactive,
So married life isn’t what you expected, huh? Welcome to marital reality, where tooth brushing is foreplay and dirty socks taunt you from the living room floor!
Before deciding to spawn with your husband, see the question above. That is your future self, writing in from another time dimension.
Take action now.
Be specific and try the gratitude thing. Modify for your current childless lifestyle.
Heather, TMH
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Talk About the Blind Leading the Messier Blind
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Is there any cure for a complete lack of interest or ability in the housecleaning arena? My house is not only small and cramped, but also cluttered as hell and remarkably dusty. I look around and think “I should clean up around here,” and then I take a deep breath and go read more humor blogs. If I manage to get a quickie vacuuming in here and there, it’s a good week. I don’t really care, but my kid is growing up in squalor. Does that matter? We’re not rich enough to hire someone, and my husband believes he’s a saint for doing laundry. I do most of the childcare, plus the shopping and cooking. Who has energy to dust the bookshelves? Maybe there’s a pill I can take? Please advise.
Thanks,
Catherine
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Dear Catherine,
Oh, there’s a pill you can take. It’s called Valium. After one of those little babies, it’s amazing how little you will care what the house looks like, or what you look like, for that matter. And don’t even get me started on what a good night’s sleep you’ll have.
However, I would be remiss to not inform you that it wouldn’t take long before you’d have to down ten of those suckers to get anywhere near that “darn, my house looks sparkly!” feeling again, and then it’d probably be another year in rehab before you’d be allowed anywhere near your kids.
So what to do? First of all, how old are your children? I would say that dusting would be a great chore to give one of them, although I would stick with the kid that is the most coordinated unless your ultimate goal is to purge your tabletops and shelves of anything remotely breakable.
Another suggestion would be to do what I do: Put on your iPod and go for it. Listening to Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” really takes the edge off of dragging a vacuum from room to room and sweating like a pig while seriously considering downsizing from a house to a box just so I won’t have to clean ever again.
Then again, you could just tell your husband that you will never have sex with him again if he doesn’t assist you with the housekeeping. However, if this is not a threat to him, but in fact his day-to-day reality, then I’d go with either the iPod, or if you’ve got a few extra dollars burning a hole in your sweatpants, try this.
According to my sister, it’s worth every penny. It does what it is told, never calls in sick and you never have to fake anything to make it happy.
Perfection, if you ask me.
Love,
Jessica, TMH
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