31 Aug
PayMeBack, Pal

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I loaned someone I thought was my friend $800 so her car didn’t get repossessed for the second time. She then went out of town for a month, and texted me once to say that she’d repay me when she got home. Now I hear that my “friend” came home over a week ago, and she still hasn’t contacted me. I don’t want to be a stalker, but I do want my money and my portable DVD player that she borrowed from me returned. Should I just go over to her house and confront her?


Dude, Where’s My Money?


Dear Dude, Where’s My Money,

In the immortal words of Shakespeare: Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend.

And in the immortal words of my mother: Oh, Wendi. Why the hell’d you give your lunch money to Susie Johnson? You know full well she’ll just spend it on blue eyeshadow and cheap wine and then steal your boyfriend again. When will you ever learn?

Repeat after me: Unless you can afford it, never, ever loan money to a friend no matter how desperate they may be. Because 9 times out of 10, you’ll either lose your money, your friend, or both. And I don’t know about you, but those   are losses I can’t afford. (With the exception of that skank Susie Johnson. She knows what she did.)

Now what can you do to get your Benjamins back? Well, if you have any friends or family members in the mafia, like an Uncle Jimmy Kneecaps or a cousin who keeps large bags of cement in the trunk of his Cadillac, simply let them know about your problem. Then bada bing, bada boom. No more problem!

But if you’re one of the unfortunate few not connected to a made man, let’s move on to idea number two: become a pest. Text, email, Facebook, telephone, and Skype this deadbeat friend of yours until she gets the message that you won’t go away until your money’s returned. Click on this to find out how to do it in more detail.

The task ahead may not be easy, but I wish you the best in getting what’s owed to you returned. As anyone who’s ever seen Judge Judy can attest, you’re certainly not the only person whose kind heart has put them in this position. Just promise me that the next time someone asks you to loan them money, you’ll yell, “What do I look like? An human ATM, you loser?” and then run away as fast as you can in the other direction.


Wendi, TMH

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29 Aug
To Brighten a Room

Turn on the lights.   And maybe light a candle.   Or stop doing a rain dance so that the sun has a chance to shine.

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28 Aug
How To Lose A Sister-in-Law in 10 Days

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a sister-in-law, whom I fondly refer to as “the sacred cow.” I call her this because she expects the world to treat her like royalty, but she sure as hell ain’t no princess. She’s a pain in the ass who maintains a house that is fit only for Salmonella to live in. She’s a miserable person who only speaks to me when she needs something, such as a babysitter or someone to help her clean her house because she’s due to have another baby in a few days.

Unfortunately, until my husband’s brother wises up and boots her out of his house, she’s technically family.   So what will get rid of her faster, strange men’s boxers under the front seat of her car or a tiny pair of thongs under the seat of his car? Or, hey, maybe boxers under his car seat? What do you think?


Must Dump the Sister-in-Law ASAP


Dear Must Dump the Sister-in-Law ASAP,

The institution of marriage must really have a good PR company because all I ever heard about marriage growing up was… glass slippers, Prince Charmings and happily ever after. Nobody ever mentioned that Prince Charming had a pain in the arse sister-in-law.

As if we all don’t have enough crazy family members, we then go ahead and get married and acquire a whole new batch of nut case relatives. It can almost make a girl long to be single again. So I completely understand your desire to sabotage your brother-in-law’s marriage in order to rid yourself of this faux princess.

However, your ideas so far would be a waste of a perfectly good pair of boxers or thong because divorce is a sticky, ugly business. And since they have children, she will never really be out of the picture. In fact, she’ll probably still be asking you to babysit when it’s her night to take the kids.

You need to figure out a way to improve the situation. (I know, I know… I promised I would tell you how to lose her in 10 days but this is real life, not some sappy Kate Hudson movie.)

One option is to talk to either her directly or to your brother-in-law about the problem. Or maybe family members could hold an intervention with her if they’re having similar problems with her behavior. Or just maybe it’s time to get creative and do something different   – like ask your sister-in-law to go get a mani/pedi with you or grab a drink when the husbands are both at home with the kids. Sometimes miserable people forget to be nasty when someone is suddenly nice to them.

And as for her next birthday or anniversary present – obviously a professional cleaning of her house is the the only gift she needs.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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27 Aug
To Let Him in or Not to, That is the Question, Literally

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

What is the least traumatic way to refuse re-entry to the man who stomped out of his home yelling, “I’ll be back for my shit later!” but now wishes to come back?


Don’t let the door hit you on the way out


Dear Don’t,

The least traumatic way is to open the door and tell him, “Welcome home honey, very nice to see you again.” However, I’m getting the feeling that it would more likely that my mother would walk out of Nordstrom’s empty handed than your rolling out the welcome mat, so let’s move on, shall we?

If you’re not married to the guy, you don’t have to let him back in but I’m going to assume that he, like most people, wants his stuff and wants to use it while under the roof of what he considers to be his home and will not settle for plugging his TV set into an outlet in your living room and then running the cord out onto his new home, the street, to watch “the game”.

If you are married and you don’t want him back in the house, you’re likely going to have bigger problems. I’m no divorce lawyer, although for the money I spent on mine, I could have covered at least two years of law school, but the division of property in most states makes it so that he gets at least part of it (including the debt). Therefore, if your house is one of the millions that is now worth less than you paid for it, well then congratulations on such perfect timing.

I don’t know this man and it seems that you’ve pretty much lost your “hard on” for the guy, but if there is any hope of reconciliation, I would say go for it. You see, I’ve been out in the dating world and it’s not pretty, not pretty at all my friend.   So if something can be done to avoid having to put yourself back out in the world in which I now find myself living or rather existing, by all means, try it.

If not, I’ve got a plethora of men who are needy, broke and who would be happy to find someone to fill the time between phone calls to their mothers, so at least you know, if you don’t want to be end up alone you won’t have to, even though while on a date with these fellas, you’ll likely find that you’d wish you were.

All that being said, whatever you decide to do, just make sure to stay safe.

Good luck.


Jessica, TMH

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26 Aug
For a Happy Marriage, Just Say No to Bestiality

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Is it wrong to ask my husband to pitch in with housework and cooking so that I can pursue my career goals and business ideas? After all, he is at home on a temporary disability (but he has recovered completely) and has the stamina to go to school full time. I would rather have a productive creative session or a happy play date with my 2-year-old son than run home to clean the dishes and cook meals 7 days a week. Sometimes I feel I married the wrong man. It seems like he’s stuck in the 1950s and I just want “me” time.

Don’t Want to Stand by the Man


Dear Don’t Want to Stand by the Man,

Hmm, if I were to judge by the marriage questions we get at TMH, I would have to say the matrimonial world is full of lazy husbands. Research shows that when men get married they actually gain an hour of free time, but women gain 7 more hours of work. I don’t know about you but that statistic makes my ass want to suck a sour lemon.

Even though I learned the hard way to steer clear of playgroups, even I would rather go to a play date than run home to clean.  Come on, I would rather have a gynecological exam than clean. Alas, dishes still get dirtied (from all that cooking) and my gynecologist isn’t attractive, so where does that leave me? Frustrated and unfulfilled in more ways than one.

To answer your question, no, it isn’t wrong to ask your husband to pitch in and help. By today’s standards I have a 1950s marriage. My husband makes the money and I take care of the home, though I do have a “little” part-time job. However, I don’t hesitate to ask him to pitch in around the house and – here’s the best part – he does it without any complaint or whining.

I don’t think the fact that my husband helps out when asked means I married the right man and you didn’t. If that were true, almost every woman I know married the wrong man. I think it means I got over the fact that I have to ask my husband for help, and then ask for the same help next week, and the next, and the next. I think it means I learned to take my “me” time without waiting for his approval or good mood. It also means my husband learned that I find bestiality repulsive and will refuse to have sex with a jackass.

(That last sentence is a very important lesson.)

So ask away, and remember: just say no to bestiality!

Heather, TMH

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