26 Jul
For Easy Traveling…

1. To make baggage check-in easier, why not limit yourself to packing a box of Tic Tacs and US Magazine? Clothes are so overrated.

2. Never pack a bottle of wine in your suitcase, unless “merlot” is your favorite color.

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24 Jul
Will Work for Onesies

Dear TMH,

Any tips on finding a job (preferably mom-friendly or part time) when you are pregnant?

Signed,

Hire Me

_______________________________________

Dear Hire Me,

It does not happen often, but sometimes a Mouthy Housewife gets stumped.   Like, why would you want to find a job when God spoke to you through your uterus and said, “Taketh the next nine months off because thou shalt never rest again!” God or Shakespeare.   Take your pick.

On the other hand, if you are looking for work because people need money to live in society, handle the issue of your pregnancy frankly. Working Mother Magazine puts out a list of the best companies for moms, so incorporate that into your job search.   You don’t mention what your skill set is, but as anyone who has ever had a child, or been near one for that matter will attest, motherhood hones all your talents. You will be qualified for corporate takeovers in no time.

On the practical side, in this lousy economy, companies are looking to cut corners and part-time employees often fit the bill.   If you are receiving health insurance through your husband’s employment, your not needing health insurance from your prospective employer can be a real plus.   Focus on your strengths, network with everyone from your friends, your partners’ colleagues, to the women you meet through a Lamaze class and at your OB/GYN’s office.   Get the word out that you are available and that no pregnancy will slow you down.   Also have an idea of what your post-partum plans are.   Are you looking to return to work after a few weeks? Months? Years?

Unless you’re applying for the role of Maternity Supermodel, do not list your pregnancy on your resume or work it into your cover letter.   Although it’s illegal for an employer to ask you   if you are pregnant, if she does ask, be honest. Positioning yourself behind bookcases and insisting that people look at you only from the shoulders up until your baby is born may be awkward.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

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23 Jul
I’m not asking for the moon, just a freshly made bed,

Dear TMH,

My 9 year old, while delightful in a myriad of ways, has a scary inability to a) throw anything away and/or b) clean up her freakin’ room (aka repository of the ages). I have tried many things: threatening punishment for non-cleaning, offering reward for cleaning, throwing out a ton of stuff under cover of darkness (I wouldn’t recommend this one, they’re very smart), advising that I’m moving out. I’m no therapist but I know this is control-based. I suppose I should disclose that I am a scary neat freak who throws everything away and abhors clutter. Please provide your sage advice.

Signed,

Save Me From The Clutter

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Dear Save Me From the Clutter,

Perhaps you ought to take a look at your own end of the deal and ask your self “when the hell did I get this anal retentive?”  Now, we all know the answer to the that:  it’s your parent’s fault, duh, everything always is, but the next question is how are you going to deal with it?

I must confess that I abhor clutter as well and am not fond of antiques for the simple reason that I’m a big believer in out with the old and in with the smaller, neater, cleaner and newer and as far as men go, younger.  Living with a six year demands that I function in an environment of tiny plastic pieces all over the floor in places where it is inevitable that a   Barbie Manolo Blahnik   will implant itself nice and deep inside my big toe.

I  have threatened to move out only to have my daughter beg me to stay because, and I quote, “You can’t. You have the car.” End quote.  You would think then that my threatening to go would cure her from any bad habits but sadly no, because as you said, kids are smart and she realizes, even at her age, how much I hate packing.

Although I admire your attempts at getting what you want, you need to step back and remember you are dealing with a nine year old GIRL.   Tell her that she will either clean up her room or you will be in charge of telling her what she is going to wear for the next three months of her life and trust me when I say, before you can utter MaryJanes and turtleneck, she’ll be dashing around her rooming cleaning up like Wily Coyote on crack.

If all else fails, perhaps you could both meet somewhere in the middle whereby you take down the neat freakishness and make it so that if she does the chores you ask her to do, then she gets a reward which in my day we called an allowance. I was paid sheckles, however, in your case, perhaps you could give her a coin or a dollar amount that you both agree is fair.  Then when it comes time to spend it, if she wants something that costs more than she has on her, she will get a good lesson on fiscal responsibility and you will once again see the floor of her bedroom.

Good luck.

Love,

Jessica,   TMH

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22 Jul
Too bad Mr. Rogers died. He may have been the only neighbor we could trust

Dear TMH,

I did a terrible thing. I had an affair with a man who is my neighbor, my husband’s friend and my friend’s husband, all in one. Our spouses found out, but we convinced them nothing physical happened, even though it did.   My lover convinced his wife I stalked him, but we equally pursued each other. What’s worse is our children attend school and play sports together.

During my friendship with the wife, she told me of her affair with her kid’s coach, and while her husband knows about the affair, he doesn’t know she told me. My question is should I tell him she told me about her affair? Also, should I prove to her and my husband that we mutually pursued each other, or should I just leave it alone?

Sincerely,


Won’t you be my neighbor?

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Neighbor,

People wonder why I don’t watch shows like Desperate Housewives or The Real Housewives of (whatever) County. I get to read questions like this, who needs TV?

Before I advise you on your life questions, would you mind answering a question of mine: How do you have time for an extramarital affair while raising a family?

I frequently ponder this question, so I’m intensely curious exactly how you swing it. Not because I want to have an affair myself, but because I’d like to find time to change the litter box.

Between baseball practice (where the coach was, thankfully, unattractive), PTA meetings and laundry, it’s safe to say my dirty dishes are the ones having the most sex. I swear to God they reproduce during the night!   Besides, any sexual interest I have left by 8 p.m. is completely obliterated by Nick at Nite. (Or does Nick only do this to me?)

To answer your questions, yes, tell the husband that his wife told you of her affair with the coach. But only after I tell her you two did, in fact, have “sexual relations,” even though you said you didn’t. You don’t happen to have a dress with a stain I can use as evidence, do you?

And no, don’t leave the whole “mutual pursuit” business alone. Set the record straight on that. Because what’s at stake here? Your reputation for honesty, that’s what.

Sincerely,

Heather, TMH

Hey readers, especially those of you not having extramarital affairs! Do you have a new question for TMHs? Go ahead and ask it in the comments or press that rocking ASK button on the left. Anonymous questions are welcome as long as you aren’t banging your cousin’s wife and/or husband. Our infidelity advice quota has been met for the quarter (to sum up: don’t do it), but we’re open to talking about interspecies liaisons.

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21 Jul
Mad For Twilight

Dear TMH,

I am a 37-year-old woman who is secretly addicted to “Twilight.” I have read every book in the series at least twice, and I’ve seen the movie over 10 times. I often fantasize about Robert Pattinson rescuing me from my boring life. I know this isn’t normal, but is it okay for a married mother to be this obsessed with a fictional vampire story?

Signed,

Twilight Lover

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Dear Twilight Lover,

I’ve actually never read or seen “Twilight” nor could I identify Robert Pattinson in a line up. Well… he’d probably be the only hot, British guy with sexy, tousled hair amongst the criminals so maybe I could point him out.

Still, I’m no “Twilight” aficionado. But don’t let that alarm you because I am an absolute expert in TV shows and films geared toward teens and young adults. I have a long list of obsessions including “The O.C.,” “Gossip Girl” and “90210” (yes, the new 90210). And I also have a deep respect and love for younger men. Hunter Parrish of   “Weeds” is my recent favorite. And there were even a few days in 2006 when I thought Zac Efron was hot.

So let me assure you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you fantasizing about this 23-year-old vampire.   We all need a little fantasy in our lives to break up the endless, predictable routine of grocery shopping, laundry, dishes and wine drinking.

But it sounds like you are more than a bit disillusioned with your own life. Perhaps it’s time to put down the “Twilight” books and movies, and try to find some real joy. Plan a fun night out with your gal pals or how about a date night with your husband? You two could take a salsa lesson or go see “The Hangover.” You’ll laugh your asses off together and no one sucks any blood. Plus have you checked out Bradley Cooper? Sure, he’s a bit older (an archaic 35!) but just as dreamy as any vampire.

Good Luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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