31 Jul
Rise and Yawn!

Dear TMH,

Way back when the baby came and I quit my job to do the whole “stay home with the baby” thing, my husband and I went through the usual schedule upheaval. I was, and still am, a night owl. I actually do better on 6 hours of sleep than 8, but that’s merely background info. For these and other reasons, my husband and I moved our regular marital activity hour to before work instead of nighttime. His work, that is. Well, it’s years later, and to be quite honest, it has never been my favorite way to wake up. Or be woken up. Hell, I’m barely awake, and barely participating. While I’ve never exactly been enthusiastic about sex in the first place, I certainly like it a lot better when I’m more conscious than a tranquilized moose. He, however, has the normal hormones of a male raging at 6am. How do I go about moving this time back to when I get into bed? I still tend to go to bed an hour or two after he does, but he still leaves for work an hour before my preferred wakeup time, so fair’s fair, right?

Help!

Sleepy

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Dear Sleepy,

HOUR?

Hey, I’m an early riser, so send your husband over!   The lengths that we Mouthy Housewives will go to solve your problems.

Let me address what I consider the main problem here:   You’ve never been enthusiastic about sex in the first place.   Great sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures, right along with The Real Housewives of New Jersey. And with the season now over, what else do we have but fantastic sex?   Unless it’s not fantastic.   If it’s just “eh”, then I don’t blame you for wanting to hit the snooze button.   So start working towards the fantastic!   There are plenty of books/articles/websites to guide you through this process. Why not start with this fun foreplay map, brought to you by Oprah?       (Don’t worry, Oprah’s not included.)

And as for how do you move the passion hour back to night time, I suggest the good ole standby of,   “honey, I’m ready!”   I hear that’s timeless.

Good luck!

Marinka, TMH

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30 Jul
Um, Your Honor, what do you think of these pants?

Dear TMH,

I feel like such a dork. Yesterday, I had to go to court as a witness for the prosecution (not as dramatic as it sounds – it was a case of egging by a 28 year-old woman). My mother and husband (who were also subpoenaed as witnesses for the prosecution) and I were all dressed nicely, but we felt so out of place. There was one woman there trying to convince the judge that, after 2 DWI’s, she shouldn’t lose her license. She was wearing a belly shirt, blue jeans, and flip-flops. Another woman was up on assault and disorderly conduct charges, and she was wearing a lovely velvet ensemble complete with velvet flip-flops. All of the marijuana offenders wore dirty t-shirts and blue jeans. Oh,   Mouthy Housewives, I could go on and on. But my question is this: what would be appropriate attire to wear to court so that I do not feel like such a preppy dork?

Thanks for your help,

Dorky Dressing Darling

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Dear Dorky,

Let me get this straight: YOU felt out of place in a room full of felons and would like me to advise you on how to make a better fashion choice so you can feel more like one of them?

Wow, talk about reaching for the stars.

You were in that courtroom as a witness to a crime, a crime committed by a woman who most likely has the maturity of a 12-year-old boy running around on Halloween night high as a kite on Milk Duds. The question is, what are the chances that you are ever going to find yourself in a similar position? I’m guessing close to zero.

You should be proud to look like a preppy dork because it seems to me all those that didn’t were going to be spending their nights in the big house while you went home in your madras pants and Lilly Pulitzer cotton-tee and slept in a room where you didn’t have to scream “Guard,” every time you wanted to take a walk around “the yard”.

I think the solution here has nothing to do with fashion. You need to go and talk to someone as to why you’d want to be a part of this group in the first place. Peer pressure abounds, even amongst adults, I know, but these people are not your peers. (Although if Mr. Marijuana man goes by the name “Dean Bong,” he could possibly be a man I dated briefly back in the 80’s.)

Basically, as my mother says, as long as what you’re doing is moral, ethical and legal, it doesn’t matter if you’re dressed in a polo shirt, Prada pantsuit or a Mr. Potato Head costume, you are a good person and that is what matters above all else. Good Luck.

Love,

Jessica, TMH

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29 Jul
In-laws Are Lovely People. Until They’re Stupid.

Dear TMH,

My in-laws are lovely people, but they are also insufferable in many ways. How do I send the message to my young children that it’s OK to love people even if they are completely wrong in almost everything they do? And, more importantly, how do I convince my 5 year old that I’m not a total tyrant compared to his grandparents and aunt, despite evidence to the contrary (i.e., I tell him no, enforce his bedtime and won’t tolerate bad behavior)? I know the right thing is to let my kids figure out for themselves just how ridiculous their father’s side of the family is, but it’s so hard to keep from helping them along that path.

Please help!

Thanks,

Jessica James, AKA The Outlaw
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Dear Outlaw,

Yes, my in-laws are lovely people too. Why, when they called me an emasculating bitch with a white trash family, it was one of the loveliest moments of my life!

Experts always encourage parents to spend quality time with their children and also to allow artistic freedom. So coloring your child’s judgment kills two parenting birds with one stone and is totally backed by child-rearing experts. You’re in the clear.

Or you could do like I do, which is keep my mouth shut by pouring several glasses of wine in it. This method also kills two birds with one stone but with added benefits – I get to feel morally superior for not trash talking my kids’ grandparents and, after glass three, I no longer care what my in-laws say or do.

A different set of experts teach what you say of others is actually a projection of your self, meaning whatever negative thing you say of your in-laws is actually a negative aspect in you. I’m experimenting with this concept in reverse. I keep saying positive things about my in-laws, such as “they are millionaires,” but so far my bank account isn’t buying this concept and my checking balance is stuck at three figures and not seven.

However, my in-laws were generous enough to send a check to help pay for back-to-school supplies for the kids and give my husband a set of new tires for his birthday, so there could actually be something to this “thought creates reality” concept. You might want to give it a try.

Heather, TMH

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28 Jul
Help Control Bridezilla

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m the Maid of Honor for my darling little sister’s wedding. She is the definition of Bridezilla – plans change on a daily (hourly?) basis. The wedding is next summer, a sort of semi-destination wedding, about 50 miles away at the shore.

My problem? The wedding guest list is only about 30 people with dinner at a restaurant afterward. But an engagement party is already set for the fall, with a guest list of 100 people. And there may be a “reception” a few weeks after the wedding, again with a guest list of 100 people.

Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but isn’t it rude/tacky/greedy/impolite to pretty much tell people that they’re good enough to come to a party and give you a present, but not good enough to be a guest at your actual wedding?

Signed,

Sister of the Bridezilla

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Dear Sister of the Bridezilla,

As I read your question, a wave of sweet nostalgia washed over me when I remembered my own outrageous demands for my wedding day. Although, I still contend that the peacock feather headbands were enormously flattering on every one of my bridesmaids.

Now many a bride has dreamed of a small ceremony. I know I did, but unfortunately, I married a guy who has more relatives than the population of Pittsburgh.   And it did get a bit tedious introducing myself over and over again to guests at my own wedding reception. So I understand your sister’s wishes. But I also completely understand your desire to be polite and gracious.

It is absolutely acceptable to have an incredibly small wedding and throw a kick arse party for everyone else a few weeks later. I mean, let’s be honest here. No one goes to a wedding to hear those long winded, sappy vows. They come for the music, the alcohol and the lamb chop hors d’oeuvres.

So if the couple throws two great parties (an engagement and post wedding party), it’s fine to have a tiny wedding.   Just make sure to stress that the couple is having a very small destination ceremony (don’t mention numbers) and saving their money for a big blow-out after the “I do’s” (don’t let them skimp on the party).   And trust me, your guests will drink more in Absolut vodka at those parties than they spent on that vase they bought from Crate & Barrel for the happy couple.

If you still feel uncomfortable with this scenario, you could try to convince your sister to invite everyone to the ceremony. But just because it’s 50 miles away, don’t think everyone will send their regrets. People have a way of showing up when you don’t want them to.

And in the end, this is her wedding. Years from now, you can both laugh over her Bridezilla tendencies. Unfortunately, that time is not now.

Good luck sista of the bride.

Love,

Kelcey, TMH

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27 Jul
Dog Poop: The Worst Present Ever

Dear TMH,

My husband and I recently bought our first house. The neighborhood is great except for one thing: one of our neighbors lets their dog wander the neighborhood to do its “business.”  I wouldn’t mind a wandering dog if it kept its “business” at home, but we’re constantly finding little presents on our grass! Why should I clean up after their dog? Short of scooping up the poop and dumping it on their lawn, how can we ask them to monitor their pooch more closely?

Signed,

Seeing Brown

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Dear Seeing Brown,

I’m assuming that when you refer to finding the dog’s “business” on your lawn, you don’t mean his leather briefcase filled with legal documents, fountain pens and a few bags of kibble in case Rover gets hungry after his afternoon conference call. No, you’re probably talking about that gooey hazard currently wreaking havoc in neighborhoods like yours around the world: Free Range Turds.

My first inclination is to advise you to simply grab a brown paper bag and a lighter, then go execute the classic “Flaming Bag of Crap On Doorstep” maneuver. Not only is this one of my favorite ways to let someone know they’re a major league jackass, it’s also really good for the environment. (Or at least that’s what I think I heard Matt Damon tell Oprah one time when I was tipsy and binging on pita chips, and watching her special on global warming. Not sure.)

Anyway, if you’d rather not go that route, and you can’t afford to set up a Porta-Potty on his front lawn so he knows what it’s like to have your grass turned into an al fresco bathroom, there are a couple of more “legal” things you can try.

First, nicely ask your neighbor if he would please stop letting his pet leave unwanted presents in your yard. If he doesn’t agree, and chances are he won’t considering he thinks it’s okay to let his dog run around loose, then contact your Home Owner’s Association if you have one, or your local Animal Control if you don’t. Either group should be able to tell you your rights and the appropriate action to take.

And if that doesn’t work, just turn on your sprinklers the next time you see Rover and maybe he’ll get the message. After all, sometimes the dog is the smartest one in the family. Good luck!

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

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