Ah, the ol’ switcheroo
Dear TMH,
I have two kids. My 7 year-old son is God’s gift to parents, easily manipulated easy going, quiet, sweet, well mannered, a people pleaser really. My 9 year-old daughter is stubborn, hard headed, and anything but a people pleaser. While my hubs and I were singing the praises of our son to one another, we find out he and a friend solicited lewd acts from another young lady. Now why doesn’t Parents magazine cover this kind of parenting hurdle? Am I raising a sexual deviant? Or is this youth exploration? Is this karma’s retribution and a sign that our string willed daughter will actually be the easier of the two?
Signed,
Trouble in Paradise
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Dear Trouble in Paradise,
I will begin by saying that I guess I’m very fortunate to only have one daughter who is a combination of both your kids which now causes me to question whether or not I’m raising a total lunatic.
That aside, I have often been very surprised to find out that people I thought I knew very well ended up being serial killers. Okay not serial killers but nevertheless, not the people I thought I knew. Like it turned out that one friend preferred to eat Raisin Bran without any milk and another, cantaloupe without cottage cheese, both of which really threw me for a loop but didn’t necessarily make them “bad” people.
Unfortunately, because I’m still not sure if I’m only now permitted to practice psychiatry in places that begin with the letter “x”, I can only suggest that if your gut is telling you that seeing a therapist about this is the right thing to do, well, definitely go for it. A mother’s instinct is always right. Hopefully, you will find comfort in this and I feel very strongly that in fact this is not God’s way of getting you back for not telling your husband about last month’s Visa bill or forgetting to buy me a birthday gift for the last 43 years, it’s just life.
Lastly, the reason why Parents Magazine probably doesn’t cover this issue is because I’m pretty sure Proctor and Gamble would not be happy to find out they were trying to sell baby formula in a magazine that wrote about subjects that necessitated the use of the word, “lewd” or any other four letter word of that nature, many of which, I might add, make up a large portion of my vocabulary which probably the reason they have yet to seek out my advice. Well, I guess, not everyone is as clever as you are. Obviously.
Good Luck.
Love,
Jessica, TMH
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Neighbor Repellent Comes in Small Packages
Dear TMH,
About a year and a half ago, we started hanging out with our neighbor – a young, childless couple like us. It was fun at first, but pretty soon I realized the unfortunate situation that is having close friends who are neighbors. That is, they can stop by WHENEVER they want, and they know when you are or are not home.
Neighbor Girl has respected the boundaries and given us our space, but Neighbor Boy (and I suspect this is desperate attempt to escape the nagging that is Neighbor Girl) is constantly at our house. So much so that I actually have to schedule time with my man, and we have to leave our house in order to have privacy. Otherwise, he’s here and they are hanging out. What is the politically correct way to address this with him (oh, and the matter that he NEVER brings beer but ALWAYS drinks ours)?
Sincerely,
I’m really not that into threesomes….
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Dear Not That Into Threesomes,
You’re in luck today. Not that I have a politically correct answer for you because, come one, who did you write to? Not Emily Post, that’s for sure. But nonetheless, I have a solution that will solve every aspect of this problem.
Have or adopt a baby.
You may think that answer is ridiculous, but don’t underestimate the friend-repellent power a baby can have. Listen up as I tell you how to exploit a baby to get rid of an over-visiting neighbor.
A baby makes you practically incompatible with childless people who have no interest in the fact little Susie made a brand new coo noise today or hasn’t gone poo in 2 days. Talk about every meaningless milestone your baby meets or concerns over her bowel movements and you’ll bore you neighbor away in less time than it takes him to ring the doorbell.
Assign him diaper duty when he visits. This is very useful in the newborn stage when babies have explosive poop that shoots up the back of their diaper and all over their clothes. One gag and he’ll head home.
You won’t have to worry over scheduling time with your man since you won’t have any anyway. And if you do, all you’ll want to do is sleep.
Park your garbage can on the side of your house closest to theirs. The smell from all the rotten dirty diapers will deter them from coming over.
Your neighbor drinks your beer? Who can afford beer when raising a baby? Besides, Neighbor Boy won’t enjoy coming over to see people who haven’t showered in days or cleaned their house in a month.
This perfect solution can be yours, all for only $300,000, possibly more if you send the kid to an Ivy League college.
Heather, TMH
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How Ret- err.. How Retro
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I recently learned that it is not politically correct to use the word “retarded” in a pejorative sense. I must be some kind of neanderthal because I still use that word. Is that so wrong?
Signed,
Politically Correct Me If I’m Wrong
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Dear Politically Correct,
Here at The Mouthy Domestic Engineers, we are extremely sensitive to language, and therefore must report that using the word “retard” as synonymous for “stupid” is indeed frowned upon.
But I see your dilemma. Is political correctness taking over and where do you draw the line? If you can’t say someone is “retarded,” why is it be OK to call that person a “moron”, a “cretin” or even an “imbecile?” After all, those terms were all used medically in the past, so by using them as slang, aren’t we still perpetuating stereotypes? Or something? The point is that when we need to alert that person about his substandard intelligence, we may be at a loss of words.
However, consider it good training. Get creative. Read “King Lear”, the Bard’s best hurler of insults with nary a reference to retardation. (By the way, I hope “nary” means “not one.” As in “I’ve had nary a drink tonight, but two”.)
Besides, you can still totally think it. Because certainly the mental midget can’t read minds, right?
Love,
Marinka, TMH
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If you give your 11 year old nephew five singles for his birthday instead of just a five, he’ll still think you’re cheap, it’ll just take him a whole two seconds longer to realize it.
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Is Kate Gosselin A Bad Mother?
Dear TMH,
Recently Kate Gosselin from “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ was called a bitch by the gossip blogs because she was filmed denying her daughter water, but then she drank some herself. But is that really wrong? Aren’t we always hearing how moms have to take care of themselves first in order to be better parents? Where do you draw the line?
Love,
Dehydrated
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Dear Dehydrated,
First, let me say that I am not a regular viewer of Jon & Kate Plus 8 because I’m not that interested in watching my own children, much less tuning in each week to enjoy the latest escapades of Ms. Reverse Mullet and her own personal football team. (And seriously, what’s up with that lump of a husband Jon? How can he be having a torrid affair if he has no pulse? Doesn’t all that cheating take energy?)
Regarding the incident you describe above, it’s hard to say if Kate was being selfish or not because there may have been extenuating circumstances. Like maybe that particular child is a notorious Pee Pants who isn’t allowed drinks after 3 p.m. Who knows. But to answer the bigger question–is Kate a “bitch” for taking care of herself?-well, yes and no. I firmly believe that all mothers need to have time to themselves to stay both physically and mentally healthy for their kids. For example, each week I renew and refresh myself by sitting in the closet with a bottle of pinot gris, a case of Oreos and a vintage Jackie Collins novel. (However, if that’s not your style, this list from Babycenter.com has some other ways to unwind.)
Now is Kate putting herself first a little too much? Well, any mother who spends the majority of her day working out and getting highlights, mani/pedis, plastic surgery and fake tanning may, in fact, be overdoing it on the “me-time” a bit. After all, she’s the one responsible for putting her kids in the limelight in the first place, so shouldn’t she be working overtime to make sure they’re happy, they’re content and they’re not thirsty when they’re being interviewed by Access Hollywood? So let’s hope Kate gets the hint and changes her ways. Because if she doesn’t, once that pack of kids turns 13 and starts watching some of their old clips on Youtube, the woman’s going to be in for a world of hurt.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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