Dear Mouthy Housewives,
How can I lose 20 pounds before my high school reunion?
Class reunions, like high school itself, are never easy. You spend hours in front of the mirror getting ready, desperately hoping that everyone will finally recognize how happy, pretty and successful you really are, then boom, two seconds after you walk into the decorated gymnasium, an aging cheerleader asks if your dress is from Wal-Mart and a balding jock gives you an atomic wedgie and recklessly shoves you ass-first into a cold metal locker. Or maybe that’s just how the Jamestown High class of ’86 does it. (Go Bluejays!)
Anyway, if you want to lose weight before the big event, there are a couple of things you need to do ASAP. Number one: only eat food that ends in “occoli.” And number two: Crank up your VCR and start sweatin’ to the oldies, man! A few minutes spent staring at a glossy Richard Simmons in a tank top and Dolphin shorts, and not only will you immediately hurl up the contents of your stomach, you’ll also lose your appetite for upwards of 36 hours. Those pounds are just gonna MELT away!
Of course, you may also want to check out WeightWatchers, too. From what I hear, they have some amazing healthy eating/exercise plans that really work and don’t cost a lot. Or at least that’s what my neighbor Nancy says when she’s prancing around our neighborhood pool in a bikini that makes the rest of us wish we hadn’t spent the past few months sprawled on the couch eating butter straight from the tub.
So, good luck, Beverly. I wish you the best. And remember what I said: reunions are just like high school. Meaning, even if you’re not the skinniest bitch at the party, you can always be the sluttiest.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
On Monday night I watched a very special episode of Jon & Kate Plus Eight and heard the devastating news that Jon and Kate are ending their marriage. Although many people saw this coming, I was very upset about their marriage falling apart so publicly. And as an avid viewer of the show, and reader of the tabloids, I felt at least somewhat responsible. I mean, I know that I didn’t cause their separation, but aren’t I sort of part of the problem?
You are not part of the problem, you are part of the solution. Because with their marriage on their rocks, if you stop watching now, how will they support those kids?
As Americans, we have a lot on our collective conscience so let me lighten your moral load by reassuring you that your enjoyment of Jon & Kate Plus Eight has in no way contributed to their marital woes. If the fans had that kind of power, I would enjoy Brangelina a lot more.
Jon and Kate are, I assume, adults. With free will and decision making powers. They chose to live their life in the limelight of reality television, to reap its reward$ and face the consequences. In the wise words of Kate Gosselin, they did this show “for the children.” And she has a point. As parents, we all walk the tightrope of spending time with our children, domestic chores, work in and out of the home and other responsibilities. Add to that our desire for and Kodak’s insistence that we capture precious childhood memories on film and you see many of us praying for a safety net.
Jon and Kate found that safety net in TLC. Because for absolutely no charge, TLC films the Gosselin children so that Jon and Kate don’t have to. If you don’t watch, why would they film? And if they stopped filming, how could Jon and Kate do all that they do and still record the kids’ antics for posterity? Do you know how much film it would take for eight kids? Why would you wish that on Jon and Kate, who are already going through so much?
Although you certainly are not responsible for their marital discord, if you do feel very upset about their lifechanging news, perhaps you should sit out the next few episodes. Repeat episodes of Real Housewives of New Jersey can be especially soothing during this difficult time.
To make housecleaning more fun, why not get dressed in a costume? It’s amazing how the little tykes will help you along when you’re resembling Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest.
Each week The Mouthy Housewives give out our Seal of Approval to our favorite post of the week!
This week, we are present the TMH Seal of Approval to Laura from Piece of Cake for her excellent post, Loss, a poignant telling of how it feels to know that your child is growing up and one day soon will truly be his own person.
The other day, my 12 year old daughter was upset and wouldn’t tell me what was bothering her. Later that night, I saw her writing away in her diary. Do I read it? I know that privacy is important, but as her mother, shouldn’t I know if something’s wrong?
Should I Take a Peek?
Dear Should I Take a Peek?,
The answer is no. Respecting a child’s privacy is incredibly important and in doing so, you’ll teach her to respect the privacy of others. Hey are you listening to me? Please stop reading that diary. I’m trying to teach you something important here about respecting your child.
Trying not to read your daughter’s diary will take a lot of self control. Take it from someone who never hesitated to comb through my boyfriend’s apartment, the moment he left for work. And when I say “boyfriend,” I mean, random guy I’d been dating a couple weeks.
Of course, I’d find a bunch of snapshots of him with some super cute girl with shiny, bouncy hair and I’d be seething about the details of their relationship. But I couldn’t talk to him about the chick because how do casually bring up, “So I was ransacking your apartment the other day, sifting through all your personal pictures and I’m just wondering who the hell is the whore with the awesome hair?”
So my point is – it would be better to not read the diary. Instead, give your daughter a couple days and then approach her again and ask, “Honey, what were you so upset about the other day?” Maybe she’ll be more ready to open up.
But in the end, you need to trust your own instincts. If you feel like something is really bothering your daughter and she could be in trouble, then maybe it’s worth violating her privacy to find out. Just realize, that if she discovers that you read her journal, she might just invest in one with a lock.