30 Jun
The Window Treatment

If your kids won’t stop fighting with each other and it’s driving you crazy, here’s a simple way to get them to be friends again:

1. Have one child clean a window from the outside

2. Have the other child clean the same window-at the same time- from the outside

In no time flat, they’ll be laughing, playing and having a great time looking at each other and you’ll be free to get back to your busy schedule of magazine reading!

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30 Jun
I’m a New Dad! When Can I Get Back to the Gym?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My wife is a stay at home mom, and she is eight months pregnant with our second child. I work full time, and fight at the gym twice a week.

My wife is getting a little nervous now that she is getting close to the due date, and I completely understand. She asked me to take some time off from the gym starting this last month, so I agreed and told her that I would take one month off.

She got very angry at me, stating that she wants me to take three months off because of how stressful the first two months of having a newborn will be. To this, I object.

I am aware that she will need some extra help when I am not working, and I intend to help in any way I can. However, I believe that it is asking a little much for me to quit the gym for three months. I only go twice a week and with 30 minute travel time both there and back, I am gone for about 2 hours each day.

Am I right to be a little annoyed that she would want me to quit what I enjoy for three months? Whenever she asks to go out on the weekends, I never say a peep. In fact, I encourage her to go out, because I know she must be stir crazy from spending all day with our 3 year old.

And I am completely fine taking off during her 9th month because she may need me when she goes into labor, but I don’t feel that it is wrong for me to want to get back to the gym a week or two after the baby is born. It’s only four hours a week that I spend away because of the gym.

So I ask you, is she being unreasonable for being so stubborn about this? Right now she is giving me the cold shoulder and is ignoring me.

Signed, A Lover and Also a Fighter

_____________________________________________________

Dear Lover and Fighter,

So, your wife wants you to stop going to the gym for three months and you’re willing to forgo two weeks. We could just split the difference, but since that involves math, let’s explore some other alternatives.

It’s not the gym.   It’s that you have your own life outside of a screaming newborn and all the terrors that it entails and she doesn’t.   You say that you are happy when she goes out on the weekends, but let’s face it, the weekend is a long way away when you are up all night with the baby, exhausted and staring at the wrong end of the witching hour, that, ironically enough, lasts an hour and a half and kicks in at approximately the same time as you pull into your gym parking lot.

She needs help and she needs it now.   It may well be unfair to you, but she is the mother of your children, soon to be filled with postpartum hormones.   No one in the history of civilization has won an argument with one of those.

If possible, schedule at least one of your gym sessions for the weekend, when your absence will be less acute.   And see if there is someone in your neighborhood who can watch the kids for a couple of hours every once in a while.   You and your wife both deserve some time away from the kids. With each other.

Congratulations,

Marinka, TMH

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29 Jun
Holy Catch Phrase, Batman!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m considering coining my own catch phrase–not only for use as an electronic signature, but also to make a lasting impression in social situations. Paris Hilton had “That’s HOT.” I, however, had a failed attempt at incorporating a new version of Dang–“DZANG” into the lexicon of Ebonics, and this time I’d like some professional guidance. Any suggestions?

Signed,

What You Talkin’ Bout, Willis?

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Dear What You Talkin’ Bout,

As you obviously realize, having your own catch phrase is a wonderful thing. In fact, it’s a trend as American as steroid-ridden baseball and genetically-modified apple pie. For example, The Donald has “You’re fired!”  Emeril has “Bam!” and Bret Michaels has “I’m sorry for giving you a raging case of herpes; I hope this won’t affect your pole dancing career.”   I know, we’re talkin’ Dy-No-Mite, right?

But while your own signature expression is a great way to make people remember who you are, it’s important to have the right one. For example, last year I thought it’d be a good idea to walk into my PTO meetings and scream, “Yo, where my bitches at?!” It was only later that I found out–via various e-mails, phone calls and notarized legal documents-that this was not, in fact, an appropriate catch phrase for me, and one better suited to those members of our society currently residing at Chino State Prison. Honestly, some people are just so narrow-minded.

Now, what you need to do to come up with a new, hip saying is easy. Simply find a random gaggle of toddlers, hand them each a giant bag of jellybeans, then just sit back, relax and write down every cra-zay-zee thing that pops out of their little, sticky mouths. Bing, bang, boom–new catch phrase! (Rumor has it that’s how the legendary “Kiss My Grits” was discovered.)

And if that still doesn’t work, I wouldn’t worry about it. Something tells me you’re already funny, quirky and interesting enough to be remembered no matter what you say.

Yours truly,

Wendi, TMH

And congratulations to MommyTime! Her hilarious “Secret Recipe for Driving Mama Crazy” was chosen by Nava Atlas as the winner of our first book giveway.

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26 Jun
Girl Gone Wild

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Recently my older sister and I  went on a little weekend  trip with a few girlfriends, and a whole lot of tequila was imbibed.   My sister got completely wasted and we were kicked out of the bar because she a) took off her shirt b) mooned the DJ c) grabbed random guys’ asses while they danced with their girlfriends d) took off her shoes and threw them and e) fell down on the dance floor.

Being the least drunk, I got her the hell out of there and back to our hotel room where she passed out.   She doesn’t remember anything about her drunken behavior.   Should I tell her or just laugh at her behind her back?

Sincerely,

Party Pooper

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Dear Party Pooper,

As a woman who spent four years living in New Orleans (and yes, I STILL miss that city), I certainly can appreciate a party girl. And as I once said back in college, “When you’ve lost your shoes, it’s definitely time to go home.” So clearly, I’m no stranger to some tequila-fueled nights.

But in my opinion, while it was very kind of you to take care of her that night, there really is no extra fun in making fun of your own sister behind her back.   In fact, I’m wondering if this is the first time your sister has displayed this kind of drunken behavior because it could absolutely signal an alcohol problem. Taking off one’s shirt, mooning DJ’s and falling on the floor goes a bit beyond just a “fun night out with the girls.” If this is the case, you should give her all the embarrassing details of that evening and express your concerns about how she handles her alcohol.

But if I’m wrong and your sister was just letting off a little steam, then by all means laugh at her drunken antics. Just do it with her, not behind her back. And heck, if they start auditions for “The Hangover Part 2,” your sister should be a shoe-in.

Oh, and don’t forget to invite me on the next girls’ weekend. It’s been ages since I grabbed some random guy’s ass.

Love,

Kelcey, TMH

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25 Jun
Are We Having a Good Time Yet?

Dear TMH:

I’m leaving for a 5-day “vacation” with my two boys and their grandmother soon. We will be visiting at least two theme parks (and probably not any yarn stores). Any words of wisdom?

Signed:

Leaving but not loving it

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Dear Leaving:

I’m glad you put “vacation” in quotation marks, as you are correct there is no vacation happening here at all.

My words of wisdom would be RUN FOR YOUR LIFE but I guess that probably isn’t exactly what you’re looking for so I’ll try to work with what it is you’ve given me. I’m not clear as to how old your children are or whether or not “grandma” is your mother or your mother -in-law (not that it makes a difference. Hell is hell, right? We’re just talking about a few degrees difference, at best, at least in my world.

But I digress.   The key here is to find time to spend on your own to recharge and remind yourself that you do in fact love both your kids and grandma and why it is you decided to take this trip in the first place.

If you like rides, then by all means, go with them to the parks. Perhaps you could spend half the day there and then ask grandma to put down the Mickey Mouse Margarita or whatever the house special is that day and take over while you grab a nap or at least take the time to just sit on a bench and judge people watch (something which I happen to love doing).

You also mentioned yarn stores, so I’m going to assume you’re a knitter. If that is true, then the worst case scenario, if you just can’t take it anymore and want to cut your trip short by say…four days,   insist that for every minute you spend doing something the boys want to do, they have to spend that same amount of time watching you knit one, pearl two or at the very least carry grandma to bed because all the alcohol sunshine made her dizzy.

Then again, you could always bring a bunch of board games or play cards, something my daughter and I love to do.   Lately Trouble   and Sorry! and this 300 piece puzzle we’ve been working on forever, have all been big hits over here. I’m sure your kids have some of their favorites, maybe they could pick a couple and bring them along.   Nothing wrong with taking a piece of home on the road with you.

Have fun.

Love,

Jessica TMH

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