31 May
How To Prepare Your Home For Guests

When expecting dinner guests, you of course want to present a clean, spacious home. So 20 minutes before your guests arrive, hide all your junk in the following spots: dresser drawers, the laundry basket, the dryer and under the beds.

Never hide your clutter in your bathroom cabinet because every guest will take a peek in there.

And when your cable TV gets shut off later this month, let me just remind you that the unpaid bill is shoved in your laundry basket.

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29 May
Battery Operated Love Triangle

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

After nine years of marriage, my husband and I have recently decided to loosen up in the bedroom and experiment a little. Good for us, right? Well, one of the purchases we made was a certain…..er….”toy”….that I’ve lovingly named B.O.B. Perhaps you’re familiar with the acronym?

Anyhow, Bob has been great. Fantastic, even! And for a while, he was a wonderful third to our horizontal polka. But somewhere along the line, Bob has become my only partner. And why not? Not only is he readily available and incredibly skilled, but he only has my pleasure in mind! He keeps me company during my long and tedious days at home…he understands me!The problem is, my hubby is starting to get understandably jealous. Sure, he still joins on occasion but things just aren’t like they were before Bob came along. Not even close, really. We’ve tried leaving Bob in another room for the evening, but I can’t stop myself from thinking about him the entire time! It’s to the point where not much can happen for me without Bob around and this has put a serious dent in what used to be a pretty decent love life.

So my question is this: How do I ditch Bob?

I’m not sure I have the will-power to just throw him out and the odds of him leaving on his own are slim. I’ve tried asking my husband to hide him from me during the day, but I ended up calling him by noon to beg for the location. There’s always the chance that Bob will get sick and die eventually, but he seems so healthy! What can I do?

Please help!

Sincerely,

Bad Vibrations in Phoenix

__________________________

Dear Bad Vibrations,

Yes, I absolutely understand your love for BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend).   It’s a vibrator, people. I mean, BOB doesn’t leave laundry on the floor or forget to pick up the dry cleaning or put off mowing the lawn like a typical husband might do. BOB just exists to serve your every sexual need. Hell, BOB is probably a great listener too.

When I read your question, I knew I had to turn the experts. So I contacted the good folks at Eden Fantasys. You know, home of the Hello Kitty Pocket Rocket. Who says vibrators can’t be cute? Apparently when it comes to sex toys in the bedroom, each couple needs to find the right balance. So basically, I think that means you need to Feng Shui your sex life.

Your BOB can bring additional pleasure and excitement to your love life, but it should not replace your partner. It may be time to give BOB a break for a bit and focus on communicating and reconnecting with your husband. Not just in the bedroom but in other areas of your life too. Because honestly, can BOB really cuddle with you on the couch while you watch “The Real Housewives of New Jersey?” Or join you for a romantic dinner out? I once saw a woman dining with her vibrator and I’m telling you, the conversation was very one sided.

My vibrator source at Eden Fantasys suggests that once you and your husband are reconnected, bring BOB in for foreplay or when one one of you is craving more and the other is spent. But perhaps save the main event for just you and your husband. BOB will totally understand. He’s not the jealous type.

Wishing you many positive vibrations.

Love,

Kelcey, TMH

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28 May
Is that you making that noise or did a meteor just crash onto our lawn?

Dear TMH:

I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been having some, um, sleeping troubles with my fiance. We live together, but sleeping together has been a problem. He snores… all the time! Even when he’s awake! (I know, WTF?!?). And it gets much, much worse during sex. I’ve heard this “problem” is supposed to get better AFTER we’re married. But, please help! I don’t think I can wait that long!

Signed:

Damsel in Distress wondering whether Prince is really the Dragon

____________________________________________________

Dear Damsel:

First of all, not to burst your bubble of pre baby, pre menapause, pre college bill “bliss”, but nothing gets better after you’re married. Your relationship is pretty much at its peak right now, so as long as we get that straight, I think you two have a long, and apparently loud, future ahead of you.

I’m not familiar with people who snore while still awake, but I’m gathering that whether it happens while standing up or in bed,   the problem is still the same.   My research on the subject basically tells me that your husband probably has a deviated septum in his nose, a term I am very familiar with as many people, a majority of   whom live right here in Southern California, have suffered from a similar fate and therefore had no choice but to   have this deviation straightened, something which conveniently makes their nose smaller and perkier and better able to smell a fifty percent markdown at Saks Fifth Avenue.   You see,   and I’m sure this is pure coincidence,   insurance companies won’t cover any work on one’s nose if it is for “non medical” reasons, ie: a chance to get a lead role in a film.   But as I said, luckily for them and your fiance, that is not the case.

So go ahead and find your fiance a good plastic surgeon, or at the very least an Ear Nose and Throat doctor and remember, if you decide to forgo the surgery, you can always use the deductible to buy a better couch.

Jessica TMH

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27 May
Hi, Aren’t You My Nemesis?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My 3 year old has a best friend at school and was SO excited when her friend’s parents invited the whole class over for a BBQ – we arrived and I soon found out that her best friend’s mother was my biggest enemy in high school. You know, the petty gal that never got over the fact that I took her spot on the cheer squad, the gal that hated that guys liked me better than her, the girls that spread nasty rumors just because… I know, let bygones be bygones, grow up – etc. BUT come on…can’t I encourage my 3 year to pick a new friend?

Love, Bygones

_____________________________________

Dear Bygones,

I assume that this downturn in the economy that the rest of us are enjoying is not affecting you and this is why you are happy to let this perfectly good opportunity of free entertainment slide.   Because certainly you realize that your nemesis’ secrets will be yours for the price of a store bought cookie.   Of course your daughter is likely to spill the dirt on you, as well, so I recommend keeping her fully stuffed on sweets.   What I am trying to say, is that  you reconsider the bygones and remember that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And just for my own curiosity–am I correct that while this woman was spreading rumors about you, you were working with lepers and orphans, and on occasion with orphaned lepers? Because I know that’s what I spent my high school years doing.

I asked my mother for her input on this issue and she recommended fine tuning your daughter’s friendship, because, according to her, “it’s easier for kids to make new friends than for adults to forget old enemies.”   And while she certainly has   an embroidable-on-a- throw pillow point, it may not be the message that you want to impart to your young, impressionable daughter.   Because although you can encourage your three year old to pick a new friend,   and I’m hard pressed to think of any  relationship that couldn’t be  enhanced by a mother’s loving meddling, I beg you think this through.    What if her new best friend has a totally dull mother, the kind that doesn’t serve cocktails on playdates or worse, refuses to gossip?   Shudder.

Love,

Marinka, TMH

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26 May
Yo Mama Mama

Hi, TMH,

I hate to admit this, but I think I like the Noggin show, Yo Gabba Gabba, more than my 4-year-old son. I’m not to the point of taping it and watching in the evening after the kids are in bed, but I make sure it’s on while my son is eating lunch. Am I losing it?

Signed,

Nogginized
yogabba
___________

Dear Nogginized,

After receiving your letter, I immediately sat down on my couch to watch my first episode of the TV show that’s causing you so much concern. And, now that I’ve experienced 20 minutes of Yo Gabba Gabba, I feel comfortable enough to put my years and years of psychology training to use and ask you two crucial, probing questions:

1. Dude, what are you smoking?

2. Can you pass some over here?

But seriously, baby, are you making regular visits to Willie Nelson’s tour bus? Because after seeing a bunch of big, fuzzy guys dance around and sing songs like “There’s a Party in My Tummy,” I wanted nothing more than to start scratching off my skin with a dull butter knife just to make the pain in my head subside a little. I mean, you must be straight trippin’, boo. (Note: I don’t know what that means, but it sounded good when I heard a teenager at the carwash say it.)

Anyway, becoming obsessed with a children’s TV show is fairly common among the mom crowd. In fact, a few years ago, my friend Tracy found herself enraptured with the guy from Blue’s Clues and, not only did she start watching it alone at night with a box of wine, she even gave her husband a striped rugby shirt and a handy-dandy notebook for his birthday. Later, they sat on down and figured it out: she was effin’ nuts.

Anyway, I don’t think you’ve quite reached that stage yet, because it sounds like all you’re doing is enjoying a little escapism during the day. I would chalk this up to nothing more than a guilty pleasure. (Albeit a guilty pleasure you probably share with Snoop Dogg and the entire editorial staff of High Times magazine.) However, please make sure that you enjoy Yo Gabba in moderation, because it’s what we in the half-assed advice business consider to be a “gateway show.” And trust me, nobody wants to see you move on to the real hardcore stuff, like Sponge Bob Square Pants, because then you’ll be in real trouble.

Love,

Wendi, TMH

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